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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I try to do this with our family and always feel on edge because I never know if they are going to get the best version of DH or the worst. So either happy and charming, or drinking and over the top. Anyone else feel like this? I need to accept that I cannot control the behavior of others but it is hard. [/quote]

Yes. But my spouse is in the spectrum so runs out of gas to socialize more than two days. Then he turns to work, to hide, and waking up super early / going to bed late, and just popping in for chosen meal or one hour with his family or the other.

Needless to say, the conversations are lacking too. And we don’t get invited back. Meanwhile I’m running around cooking, tidying, and doing kid stuff solo. [/quote]

This.

DH pops in and out when he is feeling up to it. He picks and chooses and only does the fun stuff. Meanwhile, when things don’t go perfectly, DH has his autistic meltdowns/ tantrums. I take care of all the hard grunt work… meals, organization, cleaning, etc. Our kids are not easy… They are Neurodiverse too, so it can be tough for them to just blend in with other kids. This is before you take into account that I’m packing days before because I have to pack for all three kids, and DH just worries about himself and throws a bunch of stuff in the suitcase a few hours before we leave. Then, when we get home, I am organizing again, doing laundry all day, while his unpacking is just putting away his toiletries. So, DH has this memory of a fun vacation where he did fun stuff and relaxed.  My memories are very different. Which is why I don’t love vacations, despite loving travel myself, whether or not they are with other families. Come to think of it, this is not just on vacation, it’s our whole life. But it is magnified on vacations.[/quote]
I hear you. I do the same.

I married into an aspergers family. They never took vacations or did organized sports or went out for dinner or had any family holiday traditions beyond a meal with others (ie no bday cakes, few presents if any for Xmas).  It was all a “waste of money”. I also know now it’s because they could not handle it. None of them could plan, pack, order off a menu, or conversate.

I mainly take our kids and asd husband on trips with other families, because everything is more normal. My asd spouse hides and then pops in to preform at a bbq or boat ride. The kids are starting to get older and you’ve dads split personalities - unengaged when with us, performative when with others in short spurts.[/quote]

I am pp from above and all of this resonates. Celebrating a holiday is a “waste of money” and, I’d never thought of it like this, but it’s true my DH is performative in spurts. [/quote]

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