Anonymous wrote:If someone can’t manage their autism and alcoholism enough to act as a husband, a father and do occasional trips with friends and family, they need to step up with whatever is needed to make it work, therapy, medication, rehabilitation or whatever to achieve self discipline of an average adult.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I try to do this with our family and always feel on edge because I never know if they are going to get the best version of DH or the worst. So either happy and charming, or drinking and over the top. Anyone else feel like this? I need to accept that I cannot control the behavior of others but it is hard.

Yes. But my spouse is in the spectrum so runs out of gas to socialize more than two days. Then he turns to work, to hide, and waking up super early / going to bed late, and just popping in for chosen meal or one hour with his family or the other.

Needless to say, the conversations are lacking too. And we don’t get invited back. Meanwhile I’m running around cooking, tidying, and doing kid stuff solo.

This.

DH pops in and out when he is feeling up to it. He picks and chooses and only does the fun stuff. Meanwhile, when things don’t go perfectly, DH has his autistic meltdowns/ tantrums. I take care of all the hard grunt work… meals, organization, cleaning, etc. Our kids are not easy… They are Neurodiverse too, so it can be tough for them to just blend in with other kids. This is before you take into account that I’m packing days before because I have to pack for all three kids, and DH just worries about himself and throws a bunch of stuff in the suitcase a few hours before we leave. Then, when we get home, I am organizing again, doing laundry all day, while his unpacking is just putting away his toiletries. So, DH has this memory of a fun vacation where he did fun stuff and relaxed. My memories are very different. Which is why I don’t love vacations, despite loving travel myself, whether or not they are with other families. Come to think of it, this is not just on vacation, it’s our whole life. But it is magnified on vacations.

I hear you. I do the same.

I married into an aspergers family. They never took vacations or did organized sports or went out for dinner or had any family holiday traditions beyond a meal with others (ie no bday cakes, few presents if any for Xmas). It was all a “waste of money”. I also know now it’s because they could not handle it. None of them could plan, pack, order off a menu, or conversate.

I mainly take our kids and asd husband on trips with other families, because everything is more normal. My asd spouse hides and then pops in to preform at a bbq or boat ride. The kids are starting to get older and you’ve dads split personalities - unengaged when with us, performative when with others in short spurts.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sucks being too poor to afford to go on vacation just with your own family.

In my experience, a vacation with another family is just as expensive.

Then why on Earth would anyone ever do it? It sounds like the stupidest thing in the world to me. Unless of course it's used as a cover by people who are cheating or something. But that's even worse.

Do yo not have close friends? Do your kids not have close friends?

I guess we (and our friends) are the outliers (on this thread, at least), but we have gone about 20 trips with friends over the past 2 decades. Sometimes couples, sometimes entire families. The beach, Iceland, Italy, Argentina, Napa Valley, and a dozen or so ski trips. Sometimes just 2 families, sometimes 3 or 4. The kids love it, as do the parents. It helps that we've known all the families involved for 20-30 years, and everyone pulls their weight.

I also am an introvert, and I have no qualms about going off by myself to recharge. Everyone does it. And not that the kids are all older - at least middle school - it's even easier, when they don't need constant attention.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sucks being too poor to afford to go on vacation just with your own family.

In my experience, a vacation with another family is just as expensive.

Then why on Earth would anyone ever do it? It sounds like the stupidest thing in the world to me. Unless of course it's used as a cover by people who are cheating or something. But that's even worse.