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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Do you both have kids that you plan to leave your assets to?

This is something that needs to be tackled head on.  If you are really permanent, you either need a joint budget that covers everything and agree how to fund it (maybe with exceptions for birthday/christmas/anniversary) or you set some limits and live within them.  If she decides she wants someone with more money to “keep up” that’s on her.  [/quote]

We both have kids and no intention or need to leave money/assets to each other or each other’s kids.  We don’t need a joint budget for everything; we maintain separate households.  We just need to solve our T&E budget/funding.

I think it upsets my partner and makes them feel bad about themself whenever they find themselves wishing I could 100% keep up with them.  Because no two people are exact equals in this regard, and married people don’t struggle this way.  [/quote]

I asked about kids because ultimately, they are affected by this. Your partner may feel like if they overspend on you that is money taken from their kids. And their kids might also have feelings about that. Conversely, if you overspend, you will have less to leave your kids.

There is no easy way around this. You both need to talk about how much you are willing to spend and what you are willing to forgo.  If something isn’t in your budget and is important to them, they can treat you or enjoy it alone, or maybe your relationship isn’t meant to go the distance.  And conversely, if they think you are being cheap on something you can actually afford, you need to consider that - is it worth the extra money to maintain this relationship?[/quote]

OP here:  This is so true.  The stress I feel keeping up with my partner’s spending is largely about the erosion of my estate, which will go to my kids.  My partner’s kids are all loaded, but they feel an obligation to never touch their capital (a very old-money hangup, where you are supposed to be rich while only spending the interest on your interest ;) )[/quote]

You seem to be resentful and jealous of her kids position vs yours, her lawn care vs yours etc. This relationship has a deep resentment and unhealthy it’s doomed [/quote]

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