Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone else find this joint entertainment account weird? I mean, it's not a horrible idea or anything, but I have never heard of anyone doing this.

So I want to know how this came about. Was there tension over who was paying for dates?

OP here. This should answer a number of questions. The joint entertainment account arose because the previous arrangement — my partner occasionally picking up checks — was clearly creating tension — are they going to pick up this check? So I advocated the joint approach: since we’re together forever, why shouldn't picking up restaurant checks be the same as married couples with one-pot finances — it matters not whose card is used to pay the bill.

But my partner, while seeing the (irrefutable) logic of this, was not a fan I think. They were in a mindset of wanting to be taken out for dinner.

Anonymous wrote:I am in a long term committed relationship (3 years so far); we love each other very much (as in ‘til death do is part). Each of us are in only our second serious relationship, after tragically losing our spouses of multiple decades.

In our marriages, finances were joint, and it never mattered a whit who paid a restaurant bill, from inexpensive to lavish, because everything was from one pot. Now in this relationship we have separate finances but a joint account to pay for hotels and restaurants. However, my partner, despite significantly out earning me and with a higher net worth, doesn’t like it when an expensive meal goes on the joint card — they want to be treated.

This is a source of sporadic tension. I like things to be as fair and equitable as possible. They just like to be treated. Well doesn’t everybody? I’m not sure how to prevent these flair-ups, but consistently picking up big checks for my richer partner is not sustainable. And talking about it is unpleasant and ruins the mood.

Has anyone out there successfully navigated this kind of situation?

Anonymous wrote:OP here: my partner was raised on perhaps the largest estate on the most prominent point of the richest island in the USA. But they say they are by no means to the manor born. Go figure.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you both have kids that you plan to leave your assets to?

This is something that needs to be tackled head on. If you are really permanent, you either need a joint budget that covers everything and agree how to fund it (maybe with exceptions for birthday/christmas/anniversary) or you set some limits and live within them. If she decides she wants someone with more money to “keep up” that’s on her.

We both have kids and no intention or need to leave money/assets to each other or each other’s kids. We don’t need a joint budget for everything; we maintain separate households. We just need to solve our T&E budget/funding.

I think it upsets my partner and makes them feel bad about themself whenever they find themselves wishing I could 100% keep up with them. Because no two people are exact equals in this regard, and married people don’t struggle this way.

I asked about kids because ultimately, they are affected by this. Your partner may feel like if they overspend on you that is money taken from their kids. And their kids might also have feelings about that. Conversely, if you overspend, you will have less to leave your kids.

There is no easy way around this. You both need to talk about how much you are willing to spend and what you are willing to forgo. If something isn’t in your budget and is important to them, they can treat you or enjoy it alone, or maybe your relationship isn’t meant to go the distance. And conversely, if they think you are being cheap on something you can actually afford, you need to consider that - is it worth the extra money to maintain this relationship?

OP here: This is so true. The stress I feel keeping up with my partner’s spending is largely about the erosion of my estate, which will go to my kids. My partner’s kids are all loaded, but they feel an obligation to never touch their capital (a very old-money hangup, where you are supposed to be rich while only spending the interest on your interest )

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you both have kids that you plan to leave your assets to?

This is something that needs to be tackled head on. If you are really permanent, you either need a joint budget that covers everything and agree how to fund it (maybe with exceptions for birthday/christmas/anniversary) or you set some limits and live within them. If she decides she wants someone with more money to “keep up” that’s on her.

We both have kids and no intention or need to leave money/assets to each other or each other’s kids. We don’t need a joint budget for everything; we maintain separate households. We just need to solve our T&E budget/funding.

I think it upsets my partner and makes them feel bad about themself whenever they find themselves wishing I could 100% keep up with them. Because no two people are exact equals in this regard, and married people don’t struggle this way.

I asked about kids because ultimately, they are affected by this. Your partner may feel like if they overspend on you that is money taken from their kids. And their kids might also have feelings about that. Conversely, if you overspend, you will have less to leave your kids.

There is no easy way around this. You both need to talk about how much you are willing to spend and what you are willing to forgo. If something isn’t in your budget and is important to them, they can treat you or enjoy it alone, or maybe your relationship isn’t meant to go the distance. And conversely, if they think you are being cheap on something you can actually afford, you need to consider that - is it worth the extra money to maintain this relationship?

OP here: This is so true. The stress I feel keeping up with my partner’s spending is largely about the erosion of my estate, which will go to my kids. My partner’s kids are all loaded, but they feel an obligation to never touch their capital (a very old-money hangup, where you are supposed to be rich while only spending the interest on your interest )

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: my partner was raised on perhaps the largest estate on the most prominent point of the richest island in the USA. But they say they are by no means to the manor born. Go figure.

Like I said prima donna. If the man was the higher income one he would not care one bit. Women keep score like this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you both have kids that you plan to leave your assets to?

This is something that needs to be tackled head on. If you are really permanent, you either need a joint budget that covers everything and agree how to fund it (maybe with exceptions for birthday/christmas/anniversary) or you set some limits and live within them. If she decides she wants someone with more money to “keep up” that’s on her.

We both have kids and no intention or need to leave money/assets to each other or each other’s kids. We don’t need a joint budget for everything; we maintain separate households. We just need to solve our T&E budget/funding.

I think it upsets my partner and makes them feel bad about themself whenever they find themselves wishing I could 100% keep up with them. Because no two people are exact equals in this regard, and married people don’t struggle this way.

I asked about kids because ultimately, they are affected by this. Your partner may feel like if they overspend on you that is money taken from their kids. And their kids might also have feelings about that. Conversely, if you overspend, you will have less to leave your kids.

There is no easy way around this. You both need to talk about how much you are willing to spend and what you are willing to forgo. If something isn’t in your budget and is important to them, they can treat you or enjoy it alone, or maybe your relationship isn’t meant to go the distance. And conversely, if they think you are being cheap on something you can actually afford, you need to consider that - is it worth the extra money to maintain this relationship?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you both have kids that you plan to leave your assets to?

This is something that needs to be tackled head on. If you are really permanent, you either need a joint budget that covers everything and agree how to fund it (maybe with exceptions for birthday/christmas/anniversary) or you set some limits and live within them. If she decides she wants someone with more money to “keep up” that’s on her.

We both have kids and no intention or need to leave money/assets to each other or each other’s kids. We don’t need a joint budget for everything; we maintain separate households. We just need to solve our T&E budget/funding.

I think it upsets my partner and makes them feel bad about themself whenever they find themselves wishing I could 100% keep up with them. Because no two people are exact equals in this regard, and married people don’t struggle this way.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: my partner was raised on perhaps the largest estate on the most prominent point of the richest island in the USA. But they say they are by no means to the manor born. Go figure.

[/b]So you are definitely a man and she’s the woman[b]. You mentioning your love language being taking care of the repairs and cars also reveals you are a man.

Why are you dating the heiress ? Date a fellow teacher take her to McDonalds and be happy

Anonymous wrote:OP here: my partner was raised on perhaps the largest estate on the most prominent point of the richest island in the USA. But they say they are by no means to the manor born. Go figure.

Anonymous wrote:OP here: my partner was raised on perhaps the largest estate on the most prominent point of the richest island in the USA. But they say they are by no means to the manor born. Go figure.