Reply to Looking for Advice on Building Empathy and Kindness in a Teen

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I’m going to sit on my hands otherwise but you have a mean girl and you have contributed to her materialism and her likely mistreatment of other girls without Alo leggings and Stanley cups.

You’ll never fix it or her by being the kind of woman who produced that for years. [/quote]

You realize posting this kind of thing means you are a mean girl, right? [/quote]

You’re offended. Unlike OP, and you, my husband and I inculcated empathy into our tween DD. She is as “accomplished” as what OP has described and is very well-liked. She is not cold, mean, or instrumentalist. Because it mattered to us and because of who we are.

You’re a little on edge because you and OP failed in this as mothers. Failed, and now are lurking here faux-fretting about what can be done when that trait has been refined for years and years now by your parenting and communication. Parents who are troubled by their neurotypical tweens and teens who are cold and lack empathy are the culprits. We both know that.

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Wow good point you sound so kind! [/quote]
So kind, and offered such great advice too! [/quote]

The solution has been discussed here and it isn’t a class, book or podcast - it’s the modeling and myriad shifts in how they function as a family and what they show DD. They won’t do it because this has happened because of an ingrained decade of parenting patterns. This is seen repeatedly in families where empathy was simply not valued. It’s not one talk or one summer.

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If your middle schooler never ever does anything that’s immature or you’re not entirely proud of you’re either a liar or you’ve been too controlling.

Op didn’t describe mean behavior she described a middle schooler being more materialistic than mom would like-if you think that means mom (who is trying to work on this!) and daughter (who probably believed in Santa like 2 years ago) are irredeemable that makes you an unkind jerk.

And in my experience it’s moms like you who are so sure their kids are perfect who are in for a rude awakening about what kind of person they have raised, not moms like op who are grappling with their kid (like all of us!) having room for growth. [/quote]

Flinty, flinty. I’ve never held the belief that my DC are “perfect.” They are as human and flawed as each of us. That is also distinct from what the topic allegedly is: failing to help DC develop empathy in pursuit of “achievement.” You’ll never ever learn, but that’s certainly a you problem.[/quote]

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