Reply to Looking for Advice on Building Empathy and Kindness in a Teen

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[quote=Anonymous]I don't know, OP. I think your kid made a good decision. As uncomfortable as that situation must have been for the kid it happened to, I don't know that engaging with her directly and offering money would have made the situation better. It may have made the kid embarrassed and given those feelings a "target"--your DD.

I also think that it is asking a lot for a teenager to think through carpooling logistics and prioritize efficiency over social time/her own comfort zone.

The fact that she wanted to process the cafeteria incident is a really good thing, imo. That might have been an opportunity for you to ask some questions and make it more of a discussion rather than reinforcing the idea that there is only one way to handle this kind of situation. Like - how do you think the kid felt? What would your daughter want someone to do if she were in that situation? Would she be open to help from a friend more so than an acquaintance (or someone she actively dislikes) and why? Would there be a way for the cafeteria worker to have handled it better? What constraints might the worker be operating within (e.g. maybe she is fined for items that are not allowed to be counted under the free lunch program)? And ... philosophically ... why is there stigma for a kid to be getting a free lunch when it's certainly not their choices that put them in the position of qualifying for that program? (Even more philosophically, is poverty really about "choices" or other factors? haha but maybe that's getting a little far from the original topic.)

Obviously don't go down the list like an interrogation but it's just a few things that came to mind as a way that you could approach your daughter with curiosity and maybe get to know her and even learn a little from her--it doesn't have to be a one-way street.

Regarding carpool ... not to pry, but is there a chance that your daughter is the youngest in your family? The simple fact is that they have not had the amount of practice that older/middle sibs have in putting their own needs to the side. I actually don't think this is a bad thing OR a good thing, but kind of a neutral thing. Or maybe I should say there are good and bad things that go along with it--like for instance, I think it's more than ok to have boundaries and not feel the need to answer every text message, I think it's ok to want to be with friends during carpool, I do *not* think it is ok to have a temper tantrum or make someone feel bad because they act like they are being forced to carpool with a non-preferred friend (not saying your daughter did this, just an example)

I appreciate your approach and attempt to engage with your kid, none of us is perfect but all we can do is ask questions, reflect, and try to do our best. I would never think that someone who is asking these questions is mean or a bad parent, in fact I think the opposite is true. [/quote]

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