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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Only to share that Larlo will be absent, or arrange to pick up make up work, that kind of thing. I have never emailed about conflicts with other kids or someone being mean to Larlo, or Larlo being nervous about X project. I am giving him space to film figure those things out, though I do talk with him at home about them. Trying not to be a smothering parent and it is hard. [/quote]

It's hard to know when the conflicts between kids escalate to needing to loop the teacher in. I tend to take a hands off approach generally because (1) I trust the teachers, generally, and (2) I do want my kid to develop skills for handling these things on their own.

But sometimes things get more serious and it can be hard to know where the line is. Like I don't want to be dragging the teacher into some playground skirmish that the kids can resolve on their own, but I also don't want to ignore a problem the kids are NOT resolving until it gets really bad. It's easy to know when an academic concern needs attention (grades dip, scores are concerning, kid is clearly struggling with homework or keeping up in class). It's much, much harder to know when social or behavioral issues merit a conversation with the teacher and I wish there were better guidelines.[/quote]

This is so kid dependent and there are so many different scenarios that I’m not sure we can make any guidelines. My kid shares a lot with me so I am able to keep track of things that way, and then I generally wait until the fall conference in October. I ask “How is Sam doing socially? Do you notice he has been particularly close with any kids or…” and that’s the time the teacher usually comes and shares any concerns. Usually our info aligns, but if I have additional concerns I share them and ask the teacher to keep an eye.

Starting in 1st or 2nd we also talked about kid sized problems vs things you bring to a teacher. As the kids get older I think there are certain things you need to encourage kid to let roll of his back rather than be labeled a tattletale. Sad but true. There are always full grown adults who are jerks, and our kids will have to deal with them when they become adults too. [/quote]

It really is kid dependent because my kid's problem is that she won't go to a teacher with issues even when that is clearly what needs to happen. That is one reason why I might reach out to a teacher about an issue where another parent might not, because I know my kid won't be vocal about issues. We've had issues previously where my kid has been persistently targeted in an aggressive way by another student and we will tell her explicitly "please tell the teacher when this happens, it's important they know," and my kid just cannot bring herself to do so. I'll reach out and tell the teacher it's happening and they'll be like "we had no idea, we thought your child enjoyed playing with that child."

I have also had the problem of not being able to have productive conversations with teachers because they are clearly nervous about "discussing other students" with me. So in the scenario above, it was challenging because the teacher can't give you any info about the other student or even use the other student's name. So the conversation is like

Me: Hi, Larla has been having issues with Marla at recess -- Marla keeps pressuring Larla to play a physical game that Larla doesn't want to play and Larla has asked many times for Marla to leaver her out of it but Marla isn't getting the message. Can you check on them and just make sure Marla understands that if Larla says no, she needs to observe that boundary?

Teacher: I haven't noticed Larla having any issues at recess. I will reiterate to the class that boundaries should be respected and no means no. Anything else?

Me: Yes, can you just keep an eye on Larla and Marla and let me know if they are interacting a lot? If they stay apart no need to contact me but it would be useful to know if Larla is spending a lot of time with Marla so I can keep talking to her about setting boundaries or when to escalate to the teacher.

Teacher: I cant' really discuss what specific children are doing at school with a parent who is not their parent. I can let you know if Larla comes to me with any issues.

Me: Okay but what if she doesn't come to you? The issue is that she's been upset by this behavior and is sharing that with me at home but when I tell her to let the teacher know when his happens, she says she's too embarrassed to do so. I think it would be helpful if a teacher paid closer attention to this specific pair of students for a while so that we know boundaries between them are being respected.

Teacher: I'll remind Larla that she's always welcome to tell me or another teacher if she has a problem with ANY student. Anything else?

And round and round. It's frustrating. I don't think the teachers are doing it on purpose, this is clearly a school or district directive likely to avoid liability, but it's exhausting. Especially in situations where the other kids' parent might not be responsive or interested in addressing the issue so you are really stuck.

I hate this aspect of parenting.[/quote]

I’m a teacher. I’m not nervous about discussing another student with you; this isn’t about nerves. I simply won’t do it out of respect for my students. That, and it’s against school policy.

Change the perspective. If another parent asked specifically about your child, would you be comfortable with me sharing my thoughts with them?

No teacher is going to risk disciplinary action. And beyond that, it’s simply wrong to gossip with parents about students. [/quote]

What about the sample conversation indicates a parent attempting to gossip about students? The parent was not asking for the teacher to share their opinion on the other child, and certainly not to "gossip" about them. The parent was asking the teacher to acknowledge that the children in question exist and to agree to keep an eye on a specific dynamic between two specific kids to prevent it from escalating and to help the parent support their own kid at home.

I get why teachers talk like this, and yes it is because they are afraid of disciplinary action and they are in fact nervous to even mention the name of another child to the parent. But can you at least acknowledge that it makes it very hard to discuss behavioral issues? Like a parent should be able to say "my kid is having trouble getting along with [other kid] -- can you keep an eye on them and let me know if there's anything I can do to help my kid handle this better?" That's totally unproblematic.[/quote]

You are welcome to tell me that and I will look out for it in the classroom. But I will not be sharing any information about the other child with you. It’s that simple. And I will show you the same respect by not talking to other parents about your child.

Trust that your concern is being handled behind the scenes, but you aren’t going to hear the specifics about classroom discipline if another child is involved. That’s out of respect for all, and teachers must thread that needle. [/quote]

It is impossible to trust that my concern is being handled if the response to me saying "My kid is having issues with another kid in the classroom, can you keep an eye on that dynamic" is responded to with "I will remind all students to be respectful to each other, anything else?"

Look, I'm not even blaming the teacher here. But when every conversation with a teacher is weird in this way where the teacher can't really say anything and you can tell their response is being dictated by a policy that won't allow them to even acknowledge the exististance of other children, it absolutely undermines trust and makes parents feel like the teacher may not know what is happening or that if something bad happens to their kid, they won't even be informed. It's not a good system.

It also didn't used to be this way. When I was a kid my mom could call the school and say "hey Laura and Jenny had a falling out and we're hearing about it constantly at home, just letting you know if it's helpful in assigning groups or seats because I don't know if they are behaving any better around each other at school," and the teacher would say "Got it, Laura and Jenny are on the outs -- I noticed some conflict between them but didn't know it was a friendship issue. I'll keep an eye on it and let you know if I see anything concerning with Laura." It's a two minute conversation in which both people acknowledge the situation and are understood by the other. No gossip, nothing inappropriate. And yet we are not allowed to do that anymore for stupid reasons.[/quote]

You can tell the teacher that Larla and Jenny are on the outs and the teacher will keep an eye on it. What more do you want? Detailed disciplinary reports? A dossier on the other kid?

The teacher isn’t going to give you additional information. And that’s the way it should be.

Would you be upset to find out that the teacher disclosed information about your child to another parent? I’m guessing yes.

So give the teacher a break. 
[/quote]

The teacher will not even say "I will keep an eye on the dynamic between Larla and Jenny" because the teacher is not allowed to acknowledge that Jenny exists. The teacher may not say Jenny's name or confirm that Larla and Jenny interact. And if the teacher sees something concerning going on between Larla and Jenny (which they may or may not, since they can't confirm for you that the girls even interact, and cannot acknowledge that Jenny exists, there's no way to expect the teacher to pay any attention to them at all), the teacher cannot tell you about it because doing so would require referencing Jenny and the teacher isn't allowed to do that.

I would personally not be upset if a teacher disclosed to another teacher that their child was having positive or negative interactions with my kid. I would expect the teacher to keep it professional and stick to neutral facts, not gossip. So "Jenny and Larla are struggling to play effectively together" would be more than fine with me (I would love if teachers spoke this way about kids) but "wow that Larla is a real pill, I think it's because she's a middle child and her parents ignore her."

It's nuts that teachers cannot apparently be trusted to understand the difference between the above comments and thus schools will not allow teachers to even mention other kids when talking to parents. It's ridiculous.[/quote]

I really don’t understand what you want. You want to be able to tell teachers about student interactions / concerns. You can do so, and then teachers will adjust or accommodate. Do you really need the teacher to say, “I confirm that Jenny exists”? You both know she does, so why put the teacher in the position to break policy?

It seems that you really want the teacher to speak openly and candidly to you about other students. That isn’t going to happen because we aren’t supposed to do so. And, quite frankly, that’s a very understandable policy.

I’m a teacher and a parent. If I were to tell my own children’s teachers about an issue, I would do so clearly: “Larla is having difficulty with Jenny right now. It seems from something that happened on the playground, as I understand it…” I would expect the teacher to say, “thank you for letting me know” and then I would drop it. The teacher now has the information she needs for seating charts, group work, etc., and therefore I don’t need to grill her for anything else. She can do her job and I can go about my business knowing that I alerted her to the problem. I don’t need her to risk disciplinary action to tell me all about Jenny. What would I do with that info anyway?
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