Reply to Do some parents just have bad luck in the kid department?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]both. But I have noticed it usually takes until 3 kids+ for parents to realize "for real" it's not them. Parents of 2 or 1 kid have an outblown sense of their impact esp. if they don't have a harder to parent kid. [/quote]

This.  Parenting does play a role, but some kids are just difficult and problematic.  Mothers with 3+ kids all know this.  If you have at least 3 kids, chances are high at least one of them is more difficult than the others.  While they may not be a total train wreck, it definitely enforces that how you kids behave and turn out isn’t all because of your parenting and influence.  [/quote]

You have this backwards. Parenting plays the biggest role in the kids who are "difficult and problematic." That's the difference between very good parents and mediocre or bad parents.

Most parents can raise an easy kid with few challenges. The key there is just not to screw it up (which even some parents can't manage). But you don't have to *work* that hard at it if the kid is just kind of naturally flexible and easy going with no special needs or learning challenges.

But some kids have real challenges and then parents have to work at it, and it's hard. And if you do it well, the kids with challenges can be great. If you do it poorly, it can in fact be a total train wreck. The job is harder and not everyone is up to the task. And this is what people are talking about when they say they thought they understood what it meant to be a good parent, and then had an additional kid who had more challenges. That's when you *really* find out what it is to be a good parent, when you realize the level of patience, emotional maturity, creativity, dedication, and faith it takes to to raise some kids to adulthood.

When I encounter a parent who says "oh parenting can only do so much, so kids are just problematic," that's when I know I've encountered a parent who just isn't up to the task.[/quote]

Some kids are difficult and problematic no matter how good the parenting is.  What you end up seeing is “the best” that kid can be.  It may seem pretty bad to you as an outsider, but it could be so much worse with poor parents.

One of my good friends has a very difficult kid.  They work so hard for him: therapy, parenting support, psychological treatment, on top of his school work.  He still gets in a lot of trouble and isn’t passing all his classes.  I have no doubt without such dedicated parents he would be a drug addict and in juvy or jail right now. [/quote]

Yes but this is proving my point. Without dedicated, hardworking parents, that kid would be much worse off. Instead he's just a troublemaker with some academic problems. Would his parents say "oh well, parenting really only impacts kids around the margins"? Or would they acknowledge that the work they put in is the difference between their kid being a functioning (if challenged) member of society, or a criminal? The work they are doing is essential and it's not easy.

It's both nature and nurture but parents can have an enormous impact on a child. Anyone who tells you otherwise is generally trying to justify their own ambivalence about parenting.[/quote]

Yes, but someone that doesn’t know the parent or kid well (like OP) assumes the kid is bad because their parents have poor parenting skills.  And their own kids are amazing because they are the best parents- when then it’s not exactly how it works. [/quote]

I mean, sure, that happens. As a parent, people are always going to judge you. My DH and I laugh because when our kid is great, people always attract bute that to her nature, and when she is challenging, people always want to blame that on parenting. But that's what happens.

But this thread isn't about what people think, or their inaccurate assumptions. It's about what is. And the truth is, it's a combo. Like with my kid, when she's well behaved, it's partly her nature and partly parenting. And when she's difficult, it's partly her nature and, I have to admit, partly parenting. It's just the reality. [/quote]

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