Reply to Husband on his 4th DUI, worried about losing child in divorce.

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, my mother stayed married to my father who was an alcoholic. She did it in the best interest of us. Now, I am an adult and I despise my mother for allowing us to be around this man and I also despise my father for being an alcoholic instead of a father. It was a toxic household and I am screwed as an adult because of both of them, just not my father. I talk to neither one of them now, I have trust issues with people, I have extreme daddy issues and sleep with every man for comfort. You staying is for yourself, not your children. [/quote]

PP's description of her childhood is exactly why I ended my marriage, and my exDH wasn't nearly as far along in his alcoholism, but it was already beginning to cause problems.  My exDH's mother was a lifelong alcoholic, went to rehab multiple times, etc., and once I spent time with his side of the family (after our marriage), I could see how growing up as the child of an alcoholic really screwed him up mentally.

My kids may be damaged from the divorce and lack of care he showed them after, but they did not grow up to be substance abusers, so I feel like I have broken that chain.  I offered him 50/50 custody, but he never took it, nor did he take full advantage of the visitation he was offered, which had a negative impact on the kids.  But, they view themselves as having grown up with a neglectful and un-empathetic dad and a reliable mom, rather than two parents who were untrustworthy.  It was the lesser of two evils, IMO.

PP, I hope you do some therapy and find some grace for your parents.  IME, the alcoholism is a combination of biology and traumatic life experiences, so while I ended my relationship with their dad, I didn't demonize him nor his mom.  They may have made what you view as the wrong choices, but you are responsible for parenting and re-parenting yourself after the age of 18.  You can change your patterns.  [/quote]

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