Anonymous wrote:OP, my mother stayed married to my father who was an alcoholic. She did it in the best interest of us. Now, I am an adult and I despise my mother for allowing us to be around this man and I also despise my father for being an alcoholic instead of a father. It was a toxic household and I am screwed as an adult because of both of them, just not my father. I talk to neither one of them now, I have trust issues with people, I have extreme daddy issues and sleep with every man for comfort. You staying is for yourself, not your children.

PP's description of her childhood is exactly why I ended my marriage, and my exDH wasn't nearly as far along in his alcoholism, but it was already beginning to cause problems. My exDH's mother was a lifelong alcoholic, went to rehab multiple times, etc., and once I spent time with his side of the family (after our marriage), I could see how growing up as the child of an alcoholic really screwed him up mentally.

My kids may be damaged from the divorce and lack of care he showed them after, but they did not grow up to be substance abusers, so I feel like I have broken that chain. I offered him 50/50 custody, but he never took it, nor did he take full advantage of the visitation he was offered, which had a negative impact on the kids. But, they view themselves as having grown up with a neglectful and un-empathetic dad and a reliable mom, rather than two parents who were untrustworthy. It was the lesser of two evils, IMO.

PP, I hope you do some therapy and find some grace for your parents. IME, the alcoholism is a combination of biology and traumatic life experiences, so while I ended my relationship with their dad, I didn't demonize him nor his mom. They may have made what you view as the wrong choices, but you are responsible for parenting and re-parenting yourself after the age of 18. You can change your patterns.

Divorce. It’s the best option for you and your kid. My ex instilled fear in me and I did not want to stay without my kids. He only fought for two years because he did not want to pay. Those two years were hell but we are out of that toxic household. Get some consults with good attorneys in your area asap.

So you're not worried about your husband murdering your child by driving drunk with them in the car, just about not seeing them after school?

Your priorities are so f***ed here. Your childs safety needs to come first. Staying married to a dangerous, careless alcoholic who puts your childs life in danger is not the better option. Divorce and go for more custody. 4th DUI Dad isn't going to want to give up drinking time for custody time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So this is his second DUI. He could do serious time or weekend time depending on the jurisdiction. His next DUI could be a felony

Reading the heading. It’s his 4th!!!!

Reading the original post, he has ZERO dui convictions to date!!!!

Can we just agree that it’s too many ?

You may overthink this. He may actually let you have 99%/1% custody of that's all you are concerned about.

And don't ask for child support that will make the process even faster.

Anonymous wrote:Its in your and the kids best interest for this one to be a conviction.

.217 is likely blacked out and vomiting levels of drunk. I know this because my exhusband got one a few months ago at .22 and he does have the kids half the time.

Not even close for an alcoholic. .217 could be walking around seeming normal with a huge tolerance build.

Anonymous wrote:he will kill someone one of these days. he should be in jail

This is probable. You need to get out. You will be financially liable.

You're worried about how things might be in the future but have you considered the possibility that he might kill someone or just go to jail for his next DUI? The man is a menace. You need to get away from him.

What if he goes to prison? I would rather my kids saw me leave this person before it happens than live with this. This is not at all outside the realm of possibility!!!

You need Al-Anon today and you should divorce. Your kids will be so much better not living with him.

he will kill someone one of these days. he should be in jail

OP, my mother stayed married to my father who was an alcoholic. She did it in the best interest of us. Now, I am an adult and I despise my mother for allowing us to be around this man and I also despise my father for being an alcoholic instead of a father. It was a toxic household and I am screwed as an adult because of both of them, just not my father. I talk to neither one of them now, I have trust issues with people, I have extreme daddy issues and sleep with every man for comfort. You staying is for yourself, not your children.

Sending you love, op. Read the empowered wife or listen to her podcasts (book first would be best). She has helped a lot of women in your situation.

OP here. I'm still married to him because I love our child more than anything and don't want to miss out on his life or be able to protect him from his Dad.

I am going to call an attorney to discuss the possibility of a 90/10 arrangement. However, I'm due for a raise in August, and I could likely keep the house with my new salary, so I am going to start planning but not take immediate action. I'm not planning on relying on any child support from him.

Why are you still married to this man?

Since your husband has a history of DUI’s, this may help you out if you request supervised visitation.

Four DUI’s is a lot - - pretty excessive.

I’d hire a PI to put together a lot of evidence and then report him to CPS.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So this is his second DUI. He could do serious time or weekend time depending on the jurisdiction. His next DUI could be a felony

Reading the heading. It’s his 4th!!!!

Reading the original post, he has ZERO dui convictions to date!!!!