Reply to I want to get away from friend groups/communities with this specific type of woman: where to go?

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Reply to "I want to get away from friend groups/communities with this specific type of woman: where to go?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I avoid those women like the plague, because I'm 45 and can't stand that particular personality.

BUT

A lot of these women, OP, are actually kind-hearted and tolerant. It's not their fault they were born to have lots of energy and leadership and social aspirations. Would you judge a man for being like that? Don't treat women differently.

ALSO

Like attracts like. Are YOU like this, or do you aspire to be that way, and are you jealous of these women? Because none of my friends are like this.[/quote]

OP here. I agree that many of them are actually decent people and that it is not their fault they are like this. I can tell that they cannot help it and that some of their negative behaviors are caused by either being oblivious to the fact that other people lack their resources (including energy and social skills) or that it may be driven by anxiety or ADHD or some other issue that causes them to push and push even when people are saying, directly, please stop.

I know I am passing judgment on them but I'm genuinely trying not to. The problem is that their specific personality involves crossing boundaries, pushing for change, and trying to control situations, which means that their behavior impacts me.

I have soul searched and been to therapy and I truly am not like this. I think they are drawn to me because of a specific kind of passivity I developed growing up with parents who have some of these qualities, that attracts them. I work to not have this passivity and not attract them, and I am better at it than I used to be. Step one was actually becoming aware of these dynamics, which I'm now good at. But there is only so much I can do to change myself and my tendencies, and the truth is that people like this trigger survival instincts in me that can be hard to control. The pushier they are, the more my "freeze" and "fawn" instincts kick in, because I'm basically afraid of these people. That's why I'm looking for venues where I just don't have to deal with them at all, so I can get a break. I know it's inevitable I will have to deal with them in some settings, but I just want some corners of my life where I am unlikely to come across someone like this and I can let my guard down and be myself, which is something I struggle to do around people like this.

I am absolutely jealous of certain things these women possess, but that doesn't change the fact that their personality does not mesh well with mine and that being around people like this a lot is not great for me. It is what it is. Women like this are often extremely well resourced in ways I will never be and of course I sometimes envy that. I do not envy their positions of authority or their personalities though.[/quote]

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