Any tips for how I find a woman like this? I'm a woman with major mommy issues (mine was extremely emotionally distant and hateful towards me and either tried to set me up to fail or ignored me, according to her whim). I'm not even kidding. I actually love overbearing women who take me under their wing and I feel a deep lack of one in my life right now.

OP is envious of the queen B because she wants to be the queen B but can't hack it.

Try not being a B.

Prattle man/woman has been here forever.

Anonymous wrote:I avoid those women like the plague, because I'm 45 and can't stand that particular personality.

BUT

A lot of these women, OP, are actually kind-hearted and tolerant. It's not their fault they were born to have lots of energy and leadership and social aspirations. Would you judge a man for being like that? Don't treat women differently.

ALSO

Like attracts like. Are YOU like this, or do you aspire to be that way, and are you jealous of these women? Because none of my friends are like this.

OP here. I agree that many of them are actually decent people and that it is not their fault they are like this. I can tell that they cannot help it and that some of their negative behaviors are caused by either being oblivious to the fact that other people lack their resources (including energy and social skills) or that it may be driven by anxiety or ADHD or some other issue that causes them to push and push even when people are saying, directly, please stop.

I know I am passing judgment on them but I'm genuinely trying not to. The problem is that their specific personality involves crossing boundaries, pushing for change, and trying to control situations, which means that their behavior impacts me.

I have soul searched and been to therapy and I truly am not like this. I think they are drawn to me because of a specific kind of passivity I developed growing up with parents who have some of these qualities, that attracts them. I work to not have this passivity and not attract them, and I am better at it than I used to be. Step one was actually becoming aware of these dynamics, which I'm now good at. But there is only so much I can do to change myself and my tendencies, and the truth is that people like this trigger survival instincts in me that can be hard to control. The pushier they are, the more my "freeze" and "fawn" instincts kick in, because I'm basically afraid of these people. That's why I'm looking for venues where I just don't have to deal with them at all, so I can get a break. I know it's inevitable I will have to deal with them in some settings, but I just want some corners of my life where I am unlikely to come across someone like this and I can let my guard down and be myself, which is something I struggle to do around people like this.

I am absolutely jealous of certain things these women possess, but that doesn't change the fact that their personality does not mesh well with mine and that being around people like this a lot is not great for me. It is what it is. Women like this are often extremely well resourced in ways I will never be and of course I sometimes envy that. I do not envy their positions of authority or their personalities though.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t actually know anyone like that. But we’re kind of middle class.

OP here. We are not "kind of" middle class. We are middle class. We own a tiny home we bought for under 500k when rates were really low and cannot afford to fix it up or to move. We have extremely normal jobs with no power or prestige. Public schools, modest backgrounds. I work in a field with a lot of jobs in the DC area due to the federal government and all the universities, which is how we wound up here, but it's not a glamorous field at all.

My perception is that a lot of the people I encounter like this only make slightly more than we do, but either have a spouse making a lot or have money from family. We don't live in NW DC or one of the pricy suburbs. I assume this issue is even worse in those communities, but I'll never find out because we could never afford to live there, nor will we ever send our kids to any of these elite privates (or any private school) or get them involved in any super expensive EC. But even in our very middle class existence, I encounter people like this a lot.

It must be you. I posted upthread and live in CCDC and haven't encountered this dynamic in any friendships or relationships.

It’s not just your neighbors though. It’s also professional and activity driven. For example, I meet this type of woman preparing for her triathlon as she trains at Wilson pool.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People don't think about you nearly as much as you seem to think they do, OP. What an odd, unrelatable post. What on EARTH are you prattling on about?

Oh honey. Stop trying so hard. It’s unbecoming.

Oh my sweet, summer child. Sit down and be quiet. Grownups are speaking.

To both previous posters, is this the "bless your heart" attitude mentioned previously in the thread on display? Are you both trying to out-"bless your heart" each other?

Let's see if it works!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ah, yes, the competitive DC sanctimommy. Always first to kiss an ass if there are social points involved, will humblebrag you to death, and frequently "helpful" in ways that are nothing but condescending twattery.

How to avoid: Go somewhere volunteers are expected to perform a meaningful service, not just show off. The PTA is obviously out (PTAs are known mommymartyr showcases). Try sorting clothes at A Wider Circle or serving food at SOME (So Others Might Eat). Don't go anywhere the volunteers are there to specifically help those in leadership/power positions (again, think of the PTA and whose asses are getting kissed). Avoid anywhere that's a photo op, or somewhere volunteers get recognition beyond a simple "thank you".

But honestly? In this area, they're hard to avoid. Your best bet is to learn to ignore, but reserve an ice-cold burn or cut for when they pipe off. Understand that they're going to talk about you anyway and be willing to weaponize it. Calling them out just calls in their flying monkeys. You have to 'bless your heart' them, excessively, in public, in a way that points out what fake-ass nonsense they are full of. Do it right, and they'll start kissing YOUR ass, just to shut you up.

These women are not sanctimonious because they're not hypocritical. In order for there to be sanctimony one must be both pious and hypocritical. The word you want is "smug."

sanctimony /săngk′tə-mō″nē noun "Righteousness accompanied by an unwarranted attitude of moral or social superiority; smug or hypocritical righteousness." The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, 5th Edition

Smug is built into the sanctimony, and they are 100% hypocritical, "feigning what one is not", in that very little if any of their "service" is truly charitable or giving, most is simply an attempt to gain a platform for their own ego's gratification. Fake good deeds with an attitude of better-than-you righteousness... yeah, it's the right word.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People don't think about you nearly as much as you seem to think they do, OP. What an odd, unrelatable post. What on EARTH are you prattling on about?

Oh honey. Stop trying so hard. It’s unbecoming.

Oh my sweet, summer child. Sit down and be quiet. Grownups are speaking.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People don't think about you nearly as much as you seem to think they do, OP. What an odd, unrelatable post. What on EARTH are you prattling on about?

Only men use the word prattle. So you can leave the thread now.

We DC women know exactly what OP is talking about. It’s not what the archetype woman is “thinking” about, it’s how she acts. Toward everyone

I'm not leaving the thread. If you don't like the thread, YOU leave.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ah, yes, the competitive DC sanctimommy. Always first to kiss an ass if there are social points involved, will humblebrag you to death, and frequently "helpful" in ways that are nothing but condescending twattery.

How to avoid: Go somewhere volunteers are expected to perform a meaningful service, not just show off. The PTA is obviously out (PTAs are known mommymartyr showcases). Try sorting clothes at A Wider Circle or serving food at SOME (So Others Might Eat). Don't go anywhere the volunteers are there to specifically help those in leadership/power positions (again, think of the PTA and whose asses are getting kissed). Avoid anywhere that's a photo op, or somewhere volunteers get recognition beyond a simple "thank you".

But honestly? In this area, they're hard to avoid. Your best bet is to learn to ignore, but reserve an ice-cold burn or cut for when they pipe off. Understand that they're going to talk about you anyway and be willing to weaponize it. Calling them out just calls in their flying monkeys. You have to 'bless your heart' them, excessively, in public, in a way that points out what fake-ass nonsense they are full of. Do it right, and they'll start kissing YOUR ass, just to shut you up.

Great ideas. You write very well. Is that your profession? (Honest respect, not sarcastic.)

Aww, thanks! I used to write in legalese but now I just shitpost on DCUM.

Anonymous wrote:People don't think about you nearly as much as you seem to think they do, OP. What an odd, unrelatable post. What on EARTH are you prattling on about?

Oh honey. Stop trying so hard. It’s unbecoming.

Anonymous wrote:People don't think about you nearly as much as you seem to think they do, OP. What an odd, unrelatable post. What on EARTH are you prattling on about?

Only men use the word prattle. So you can leave the thread now.

We DC women know exactly what OP is talking about. It’s not what the archetype woman is “thinking” about, it’s how she acts. Toward everyone

I might be friends with you

I don’t mean to disparage your post but I had to scan it. I made that choice: Too long

That’s a very long post. It’s negative and critical. Are you intense?

So, what’s going on with u? i.e. are you working on your own stuff?

Anonymous wrote:haha +1 to the Unitarian Church (All Souls) and truly none of these women there

Where to NOT spend time: hanging out with lawyers, anyone who does PR, lobbyists or Hill types

Yes to nonprofits, making friends with former Peace Corps volunteers. Don't laugh, but I began to love living in DC when I escaped the Hill bubble I was in and made friends with a bunch of RPCVs. Career Feds, think tankers (but they have other obnoxious tendencies) or anyone in a mission-driven career are also all over DC in droves.

Can you say more about these?

Anonymous wrote:haha +1 to the Unitarian Church (All Souls) and truly none of these women there

Where to NOT spend time: hanging out with lawyers, anyone who does PR, lobbyists or Hill types

Yes to nonprofits, making friends with former Peace Corps volunteers. Don't laugh, but I began to love living in DC when I escaped the Hill bubble I was in and made friends with a bunch of RPCVs. Career Feds, think tankers (but they have other obnoxious tendencies) or anyone in a mission-driven career are also all over DC in droves.

Oh no. NO to nonprofits. This woman is all over the big national nonprofits based in DC. She’s often the #1,2 or 3 there. She can afford this because her amiable beta husband makes a ton if money due to his college athlete network