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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]His bachelor pad in the city sounds great, but I think you’re 100% wrong in not meeting each other’s kids. Keeping this relationship hidden and secret does nothing to help your kids other than erode their trust in you when they eventually find out. This is what my mother did and it nearly destroyed our relationship, I could not believe she got so serious with someone before I even knew he existed. Very similar fact pattern in that she had basically moved in with him and was only staying in our family home when she had the kids. It made my childhood seem like a lie, I felt like she was embarrassed about us, and like we didn’t even know her…seriously do not do that to your kids, it makes me ragey just to think about it.

Meanwhile, I met all of my dad’s girlfriends and it was fine. He and my step mom dated for 14 years and didn’t get married/move in together until all of the kids were out of college. But she spent lots of nights at our house when her kids were with their dad, and vice versa. [/quote]
I never understand folks like you talking about your childhood “feeling like a lie” bc they didn’t know everything going on between their parents or their parents’ romantic or sexual lives.

It’s so childish! You’re an adult now - surely you understand that your parents are entitled to some level of privacy, right? I don’t have girls and am not divorced but if I did and I were, I would not be bringing new men around my daughters. Even beyond that, though, parents don’t have to tell their kids who their romantic partners are until they feel ready (guess what, as an adult, you don’t have to tell your parents who you’re sleeping with either!). And to think that you would let it mar your relationship when you have said nothing about her being a poor parent. Just get over yourself already. [/quote]
I don’t know how serious this poster’s mom was with someone before the poster found out about him, but if you only find out your mom has been seeing someone one month before you find out they’re getting married, I imagine that would rock your world. Parents don’t have to introduce everyone they date and their kids don’t need to know about their sex lives, but kids feel like there’s no stability in their lives if their parent suddenly springs a major life decision on them, seemingly out of nowhere.[/quote]
Are you talking about kids or actual adults? Kids would feel like there’s no stability in their lives when major life decisions are thrust upon them, but I was responding to an adult talking about their “entire childhood being a lie” bc they didn’t know their mom had a boyfriend. Sounds to me like the mom was trying to provide stability, maybe especially because their dad was introducing the kids to all his  girlfriends! And that poster was furious at the mom! What kind of sense does that make?[/quote]

DP, but the poster's anger makes perfect sense to me. Her mom was living a second, separate life away from her kids. She was basically two people -- (1) a single, divorced mom who presented herself that way to her kids, their friends, their schools, etc., and (2) a childfree woman with a boyfriend.

This isn't about telling your kids everything. I have kids and they don't know anything about my sex life, for instance. But they know I'm married and who my husband is. This is basic info about a person. It's not intimate or private. My neighbors also know my relationships status. So do my coworkers. Which is part of the problem here -- in order to keep a secret like this from your kids, you either also have to keep it from a lot of other people OR you have to set up your life so your kids will never find out from any of the many other people who know. Like for instance, if you had a boyfriend for years, you'd probably tell your sister or your best friend, right? Well if you don't want your kids to know, now you have to swear your sister and friend to secrecy and make sure they know never to bring up this major relationship in front of your kids. Or you have to keep your kids away from your sister and your friend. Does that sound healthy or normal? It doesn't to me.[/quote]

I am the PP who was upset with my mom about the secret relationship, and it was this exactly. She had been moved into his house in the next town for 2+ years before I had any idea she was even dating anyone. When I was with my dad, I assumed she was going on dates and such. But to find out she had an entire other house, a dog (!!), a whole new group of friends, a different pool membership…it was really horrible. She only eventually told me when I called and left messages on her answering machine (pre cell phone) crying about a fight with a friend. I was 12ish and just wanted to talk to my mom, but she didn’t get the messages because she was at her other house. A few days later, she picked me up all cheerful and I was upset she had never called me back. She probably could have spun a lie about a broken answering machine, but she finally told me. Walking into her other house, seeing some of my art projects on the wall, things I recognized from our house, pictures of she and I displayed, so many pictures of her and the boyfriend, just an entire other life that I knew nothing about, it was traumatic for a 12 year old!! Meeting him right after learning of his existence when he had been seeing pictures and hearing stories about me for years? Not a fun experience. They have been married for a long time now and I a love my step dad and have a good relationship with my mom, but the way she went about things was horrible.

As for my dad, it wasn’t like I met every woman he went on a date with. If they decided to be exclusive, he would introduce me and we would occasionally hang out. When he met my step mom and things got more serious, we had dinner at her house with her kids maybe twice a year and that was about all the family blending we did until all the kids were adults. Maybe we would go to an occasional event together. But my step mom spent time at our house and we got to know each other, and I knew who her kids were even though we rarely saw them.

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