Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who’s paying?

Him. He makes almost 40x what I do.

Oh gosh, I just saw this, I'm the PP. Then you need to remember that "we" aren't buying anything. HE is buying a place. And you can hang out there a lot. Maybe he'll even give you a key. But it's HIS house, not "our" house. Be CRYSTAL clear about that. Do not put forward one penny of money and do not make decisions about it.

PP to add - there can be a month to month rental agreement between the two of you if he wants you to chip in, but that also needs to be in writing and clear it's a rental. You have no stake in this place.

Ummmm no. Assert that this is a gift to you and you own it

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His bachelor pad in the city sounds great, but I think you’re 100% wrong in not meeting each other’s kids. Keeping this relationship hidden and secret does nothing to help your kids other than erode their trust in you when they eventually find out. This is what my mother did and it nearly destroyed our relationship, I could not believe she got so serious with someone before I even knew he existed. Very similar fact pattern in that she had basically moved in with him and was only staying in our family home when she had the kids. It made my childhood seem like a lie, I felt like she was embarrassed about us, and like we didn’t even know her…seriously do not do that to your kids, it makes me ragey just to think about it.

Meanwhile, I met all of my dad’s girlfriends and it was fine. He and my step mom dated for 14 years and didn’t get married/move in together until all of the kids were out of college. But she spent lots of nights at our house when her kids were with their dad, and vice versa.

I never understand folks like you talking about your childhood “feeling like a lie” bc they didn’t know everything going on between their parents or their parents’ romantic or sexual lives.

It’s so childish! You’re an adult now - surely you understand that your parents are entitled to some level of privacy, right? I don’t have girls and am not divorced but if I did and I were, I would not be bringing new men around my daughters. Even beyond that, though, parents don’t have to tell their kids who their romantic partners are until they feel ready (guess what, as an adult, you don’t have to tell your parents who you’re sleeping with either!). And to think that you would let it mar your relationship when you have said nothing about her being a poor parent. Just get over yourself already.

I don’t know how serious this poster’s mom was with someone before the poster found out about him, but if you only find out your mom has been seeing someone one month before you find out they’re getting married, I imagine that would rock your world. Parents don’t have to introduce everyone they date and their kids don’t need to know about their sex lives, but kids feel like there’s no stability in their lives if their parent suddenly springs a major life decision on them, seemingly out of nowhere.

Are you talking about kids or actual adults? Kids would feel like there’s no stability in their lives when major life decisions are thrust upon them, but I was responding to an adult talking about their “entire childhood being a lie” bc they didn’t know their mom had a boyfriend. Sounds to me like the mom was trying to provide stability, maybe especially because their dad was introducing the kids to all his girlfriends! And that poster was furious at the mom! What kind of sense does that make?

Agree with this.
I didn't get what that poster was all worked up about either. That the parents didn't want to introduce their dating partners to their kids? Oh the sheer horror of trying to give your child the undivided attention and domestic stability they need!

This sounds amazing. Go for it! But get a handle on the ground rules first.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His bachelor pad in the city sounds great, but I think you’re 100% wrong in not meeting each other’s kids. Keeping this relationship hidden and secret does nothing to help your kids other than erode their trust in you when they eventually find out. This is what my mother did and it nearly destroyed our relationship, I could not believe she got so serious with someone before I even knew he existed. Very similar fact pattern in that she had basically moved in with him and was only staying in our family home when she had the kids. It made my childhood seem like a lie, I felt like she was embarrassed about us, and like we didn’t even know her…seriously do not do that to your kids, it makes me ragey just to think about it.

Meanwhile, I met all of my dad’s girlfriends and it was fine. He and my step mom dated for 14 years and didn’t get married/move in together until all of the kids were out of college. But she spent lots of nights at our house when her kids were with their dad, and vice versa.

I never understand folks like you talking about your childhood “feeling like a lie” bc they didn’t know everything going on between their parents or their parents’ romantic or sexual lives.

It’s so childish! You’re an adult now - surely you understand that your parents are entitled to some level of privacy, right? I don’t have girls and am not divorced but if I did and I were, I would not be bringing new men around my daughters. Even beyond that, though, parents don’t have to tell their kids who their romantic partners are until they feel ready (guess what, as an adult, you don’t have to tell your parents who you’re sleeping with either!). And to think that you would let it mar your relationship when you have said nothing about her being a poor parent. Just get over yourself already.

I don’t know how serious this poster’s mom was with someone before the poster found out about him, but if you only find out your mom has been seeing someone one month before you find out they’re getting married, I imagine that would rock your world. Parents don’t have to introduce everyone they date and their kids don’t need to know about their sex lives, but kids feel like there’s no stability in their lives if their parent suddenly springs a major life decision on them, seemingly out of nowhere.

Are you talking about kids or actual adults? Kids would feel like there’s no stability in their lives when major life decisions are thrust upon them, but I was responding to an adult talking about their “entire childhood being a lie” bc they didn’t know their mom had a boyfriend. Sounds to me like the mom was trying to provide stability, maybe especially because their dad was introducing the kids to all his girlfriends! And that poster was furious at the mom! What kind of sense does that make?

DP, but the poster's anger makes perfect sense to me. Her mom was living a second, separate life away from her kids. She was basically two people -- (1) a single, divorced mom who presented herself that way to her kids, their friends, their schools, etc., and (2) a childfree woman with a boyfriend.

This isn't about telling your kids everything. I have kids and they don't know anything about my sex life, for instance. But they know I'm married and who my husband is. This is basic info about a person. It's not intimate or private. My neighbors also know my relationships status. So do my coworkers. Which is part of the problem here -- in order to keep a secret like this from your kids, you either also have to keep it from a lot of other people OR you have to set up your life so your kids will never find out from any of the many other people who know. Like for instance, if you had a boyfriend for years, you'd probably tell your sister or your best friend, right? Well if you don't want your kids to know, now you have to swear your sister and friend to secrecy and make sure they know never to bring up this major relationship in front of your kids. Or you have to keep your kids away from your sister and your friend. Does that sound healthy or normal? It doesn't to me.

I am the PP who was upset with my mom about the secret relationship, and it was this exactly. She had been moved into his house in the next town for 2+ years before I had any idea she was even dating anyone. When I was with my dad, I assumed she was going on dates and such. But to find out she had an entire other house, a dog (!!), a whole new group of friends, a different pool membership…it was really horrible. She only eventually told me when I called and left messages on her answering machine (pre cell phone) crying about a fight with a friend. I was 12ish and just wanted to talk to my mom, but she didn’t get the messages because she was at her other house. A few days later, she picked me up all cheerful and I was upset she had never called me back. She probably could have spun a lie about a broken answering machine, but she finally told me. Walking into her other house, seeing some of my art projects on the wall, things I recognized from our house, pictures of she and I displayed, so many pictures of her and the boyfriend, just an entire other life that I knew nothing about, it was traumatic for a 12 year old!! Meeting him right after learning of his existence when he had been seeing pictures and hearing stories about me for years? Not a fun experience. They have been married for a long time now and I a love my step dad and have a good relationship with my mom, but the way she went about things was horrible.

As for my dad, it wasn’t like I met every woman he went on a date with. If they decided to be exclusive, he would introduce me and we would occasionally hang out. When he met my step mom and things got more serious, we had dinner at her house with her kids maybe twice a year and that was about all the family blending we did until all the kids were adults. Maybe we would go to an occasional event together. But my step mom spent time at our house and we got to know each other, and I knew who her kids were even though we rarely saw them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His bachelor pad in the city sounds great, but I think you’re 100% wrong in not meeting each other’s kids. Keeping this relationship hidden and secret does nothing to help your kids other than erode their trust in you when they eventually find out. This is what my mother did and it nearly destroyed our relationship, I could not believe she got so serious with someone before I even knew he existed. Very similar fact pattern in that she had basically moved in with him and was only staying in our family home when she had the kids. It made my childhood seem like a lie, I felt like she was embarrassed about us, and like we didn’t even know her…seriously do not do that to your kids, it makes me ragey just to think about it.

Meanwhile, I met all of my dad’s girlfriends and it was fine. He and my step mom dated for 14 years and didn’t get married/move in together until all of the kids were out of college. But she spent lots of nights at our house when her kids were with their dad, and vice versa.

I never understand folks like you talking about your childhood “feeling like a lie” bc they didn’t know everything going on between their parents or their parents’ romantic or sexual lives.

It’s so childish! You’re an adult now - surely you understand that your parents are entitled to some level of privacy, right? I don’t have girls and am not divorced but if I did and I were, I would not be bringing new men around my daughters. Even beyond that, though, parents don’t have to tell their kids who their romantic partners are until they feel ready (guess what, as an adult, you don’t have to tell your parents who you’re sleeping with either!). And to think that you would let it mar your relationship when you have said nothing about her being a poor parent. Just get over yourself already.

I don’t know how serious this poster’s mom was with someone before the poster found out about him, but if you only find out your mom has been seeing someone one month before you find out they’re getting married, I imagine that would rock your world. Parents don’t have to introduce everyone they date and their kids don’t need to know about their sex lives, but kids feel like there’s no stability in their lives if their parent suddenly springs a major life decision on them, seemingly out of nowhere.

Are you talking about kids or actual adults? Kids would feel like there’s no stability in their lives when major life decisions are thrust upon them, but I was responding to an adult talking about their “entire childhood being a lie” bc they didn’t know their mom had a boyfriend. Sounds to me like the mom was trying to provide stability, maybe especially because their dad was introducing the kids to all his girlfriends! And that poster was furious at the mom! What kind of sense does that make?

DP, but the poster's anger makes perfect sense to me. Her mom was living a second, separate life away from her kids. She was basically two people -- (1) a single, divorced mom who presented herself that way to her kids, their friends, their schools, etc., and (2) a childfree woman with a boyfriend.

This isn't about telling your kids everything. I have kids and they don't know anything about my sex life, for instance. But they know I'm married and who my husband is. This is basic info about a person. It's not intimate or private. My neighbors also know my relationships status. So do my coworkers. Which is part of the problem here -- in order to keep a secret like this from your kids, you either also have to keep it from a lot of other people OR you have to set up your life so your kids will never find out from any of the many other people who know. Like for instance, if you had a boyfriend for years, you'd probably tell your sister or your best friend, right? Well if you don't want your kids to know, now you have to swear your sister and friend to secrecy and make sure they know never to bring up this major relationship in front of your kids. Or you have to keep your kids away from your sister and your friend. Does that sound healthy or normal? It doesn't to me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His bachelor pad in the city sounds great, but I think you’re 100% wrong in not meeting each other’s kids. Keeping this relationship hidden and secret does nothing to help your kids other than erode their trust in you when they eventually find out. This is what my mother did and it nearly destroyed our relationship, I could not believe she got so serious with someone before I even knew he existed. Very similar fact pattern in that she had basically moved in with him and was only staying in our family home when she had the kids. It made my childhood seem like a lie, I felt like she was embarrassed about us, and like we didn’t even know her…seriously do not do that to your kids, it makes me ragey just to think about it.

Meanwhile, I met all of my dad’s girlfriends and it was fine. He and my step mom dated for 14 years and didn’t get married/move in together until all of the kids were out of college. But she spent lots of nights at our house when her kids were with their dad, and vice versa.

I never understand folks like you talking about your childhood “feeling like a lie” bc they didn’t know everything going on between their parents or their parents’ romantic or sexual lives.

It’s so childish! You’re an adult now - surely you understand that your parents are entitled to some level of privacy, right? I don’t have girls and am not divorced but if I did and I were, I would not be bringing new men around my daughters. Even beyond that, though, parents don’t have to tell their kids who their romantic partners are until they feel ready (guess what, as an adult, you don’t have to tell your parents who you’re sleeping with either!). And to think that you would let it mar your relationship when you have said nothing about her being a poor parent. Just get over yourself already.

I don’t know how serious this poster’s mom was with someone before the poster found out about him, but if you only find out your mom has been seeing someone one month before you find out they’re getting married, I imagine that would rock your world. Parents don’t have to introduce everyone they date and their kids don’t need to know about their sex lives, but kids feel like there’s no stability in their lives if their parent suddenly springs a major life decision on them, seemingly out of nowhere.

Are you talking about kids or actual adults? Kids would feel like there’s no stability in their lives when major life decisions are thrust upon them, but I was responding to an adult talking about their “entire childhood being a lie” bc they didn’t know their mom had a boyfriend. Sounds to me like the mom was trying to provide stability, maybe especially because their dad was introducing the kids to all his girlfriends! And that poster was furious at the mom! What kind of sense does that make?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who’s paying?

Him. He makes almost 40x what I do.

okay but who's paying?

What are you really asking? OP has made it abundantly clear that her bf wants to buy this property with his own funds. She’s not paying for it.

What's not clear is what OP is asking, since she's not paying. It's not her apartment. She would stay there sometimes.

People have brought up some good questions about whether this relationship makes sense, but that's not really what OP asked and those folks have been accused of being negative, so I don't know.

Seems like the goal of this thread is to congratulate OP on having a rich boyfriend? Congrats I guess!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:His bachelor pad in the city sounds great, but I think you’re 100% wrong in not meeting each other’s kids. Keeping this relationship hidden and secret does nothing to help your kids other than erode their trust in you when they eventually find out. This is what my mother did and it nearly destroyed our relationship, I could not believe she got so serious with someone before I even knew he existed. Very similar fact pattern in that she had basically moved in with him and was only staying in our family home when she had the kids. It made my childhood seem like a lie, I felt like she was embarrassed about us, and like we didn’t even know her…seriously do not do that to your kids, it makes me ragey just to think about it.

Meanwhile, I met all of my dad’s girlfriends and it was fine. He and my step mom dated for 14 years and didn’t get married/move in together until all of the kids were out of college. But she spent lots of nights at our house when her kids were with their dad, and vice versa.

I never understand folks like you talking about your childhood “feeling like a lie” bc they didn’t know everything going on between their parents or their parents’ romantic or sexual lives.

It’s so childish! You’re an adult now - surely you understand that your parents are entitled to some level of privacy, right? I don’t have girls and am not divorced but if I did and I were, I would not be bringing new men around my daughters. Even beyond that, though, parents don’t have to tell their kids who their romantic partners are until they feel ready (guess what, as an adult, you don’t have to tell your parents who you’re sleeping with either!). And to think that you would let it mar your relationship when you have said nothing about her being a poor parent. Just get over yourself already.

I don’t know how serious this poster’s mom was with someone before the poster found out about him, but if you only find out your mom has been seeing someone one month before you find out they’re getting married, I imagine that would rock your world. Parents don’t have to introduce everyone they date and their kids don’t need to know about their sex lives, but kids feel like there’s no stability in their lives if their parent suddenly springs a major life decision on them, seemingly out of nowhere.

OP, you and your bf sound like very thoughtful, caring parents who have approached this relationship with the intention of keeping your children’s lives as stable and conflict free as possible. I applaud that. I think you’ve made the right choices so far.

However, one of the tricky things about parenting post divorce is that while you don’t want to introduce every person you date to your kids, you and a serious partner can’t truly blend your own lives if your kids aren’t included. Yes, your kids will be spared living in a blended family household and its attendant challenges if you wait to cohabit full time or marry until you’re both empty nesters, but at that point, it will be very, very difficult to merge your two families. Trying to do so at that stage presents a different series of issues. Your children and your partner won’t be bonded. Who will you and your partner spend holidays with? When his child and yours have conflicting events, whose will you attend? If medical decisions have to be made for either of you, will the grown children accept their parent’s partner being the decision maker? If he comes into the marriage with 40x your income, will there be a huge disparity in spending on his children and grandchildren versus yours? If you end up marrying and having marital assets together, how will your estates divide your assets between all of your children?

You have good reason to want to avoid forcing your children to grow up in a blended family, but your best shot at blending, if it’s ever going to happen, is before any of your children is a teenager. Don’t just think long and hard about what is best for your children while they’re minors. You need to think about the coming decades as well and what is sustainable if you see a future with this man.

Anonymous wrote:His bachelor pad in the city sounds great, but I think you’re 100% wrong in not meeting each other’s kids. Keeping this relationship hidden and secret does nothing to help your kids other than erode their trust in you when they eventually find out. This is what my mother did and it nearly destroyed our relationship, I could not believe she got so serious with someone before I even knew he existed. Very similar fact pattern in that she had basically moved in with him and was only staying in our family home when she had the kids. It made my childhood seem like a lie, I felt like she was embarrassed about us, and like we didn’t even know her…seriously do not do that to your kids, it makes me ragey just to think about it.

Meanwhile, I met all of my dad’s girlfriends and it was fine. He and my step mom dated for 14 years and didn’t get married/move in together until all of the kids were out of college. But she spent lots of nights at our house when her kids were with their dad, and vice versa.

I never understand folks like you talking about your childhood “feeling like a lie” bc they didn’t know everything going on between their parents or their parents’ romantic or sexual lives.

It’s so childish! You’re an adult now - surely you understand that your parents are entitled to some level of privacy, right? I don’t have girls and am not divorced but if I did and I were, I would not be bringing new men around my daughters. Even beyond that, though, parents don’t have to tell their kids who their romantic partners are until they feel ready (guess what, as an adult, you don’t have to tell your parents who you’re sleeping with either!). And to think that you would let it mar your relationship when you have said nothing about her being a poor parent. Just get over yourself already.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who’s paying?

Him. He makes almost 40x what I do.

okay but who's paying?

What are you really asking? OP has made it abundantly clear that her bf wants to buy this property with his own funds. She’s not paying for it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who’s paying?

Him. He makes almost 40x what I do.

okay but who's paying?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't buy property with someone you're not married or engaged to. If he wants to buy an apartment that you also spend time at, he can do that. But you shouldn't really be involved in the decision making or the paperwork.

I realize OP isn’t buying with him, but I disagree here. You can do it with the right paperwork.

I remember my sister pointing out a house she loved that had come on the market a year earlier. It was shortly after her wedding. My dad - a real estate attorney - asked if it was out of their price range. She said she hadn’t looked into it since they weren’t engaged at the time. He said that people draw up agreements for that kind of scenario all the time and it shouldn’t prevent people from buying.


In terms of the OP’s question, I think a second home in the city that they can use sounds great unless she doesn’t see herself wanting to be there. Would it make you sad, op, not to be in your home? Is that the concern?

Why would op be involved in the paperwork? She’s not putting any money in the house. Do you think she’s somehow entitled to a financial stake in another grown adults asset into which she put nothing?

Anonymous wrote:Wow SO MANY bitter people.

Op, what are you actually concerned about?

-NP

-1

His bachelor pad in the city sounds great, but I think you’re 100% wrong in not meeting each other’s kids. Keeping this relationship hidden and secret does nothing to help your kids other than erode their trust in you when they eventually find out. This is what my mother did and it nearly destroyed our relationship, I could not believe she got so serious with someone before I even knew he existed. Very similar fact pattern in that she had basically moved in with him and was only staying in our family home when she had the kids. It made my childhood seem like a lie, I felt like she was embarrassed about us, and like we didn’t even know her…seriously do not do that to your kids, it makes me ragey just to think about it.

Meanwhile, I met all of my dad’s girlfriends and it was fine. He and my step mom dated for 14 years and didn’t get married/move in together until all of the kids were out of college. But she spent lots of nights at our house when her kids were with their dad, and vice versa.