Reply to What makes a man commit to being faithful?

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[quote=Anonymous]I think it comes down to a few things. First, stay away from guys who grew up with trauma or with a family that covered up real issues and didn’t deal with them. These are generally men who have maladaptive coping mechanisms unless they have done a lot of work on themselves before meeting you.

Second, don’t have sex with men that you aren’t exclusive with. At least they agree on “let’s pause on the dating apps and on sleeping with others for a few months while we see where this goes.” These are men of character. I met my husband online and he was actually the first to say “hey, are you still active on apps?” and opened the conversation.

Third, make sure you are evaluating for character and whether your values systems align more than just superficial stuff. Don’t worry about “sparks flying” on the first or second date. See if you have a good time and good conversations. See if they seem to be interested in having a good time more than getting in your pants immediately. My husband and I are dismayed by his friends who remain focused on the hotness of the woman as they age, and frankly, these men are going to die alone.

Fourth, try to get a sense of what their dads were like. This is their greatest role model for how to grow up and age. A majority of men expect their lives to look like their dad’s life even if it is unconscious and they claim  “they want to be nothing like him” — unless they have worked a lot on themselves, they don’t know any other way to be.

Interestingly, I married a man whom I met when he was 38 and never married. He was a religious Republican, which was not my style at all (this was 20 years ago so not the republican party of today). I kept going out with him because we we’d just having so much fun. After a couple of months, I realized that I really thought our values systems were the same. He was pretty clear that he always wanted to be a husband and dad — his father was a great role model for this. We quickly talked marriage about five months in.

Over 20 years, he has done nothing but live up to my expectations. Our values have aligned more over the years. He is an amazing dad to a child with significant disabilities, when many men bail in this situation. Ultimately, I don’t think he will cheat on me for a number of reasons. First, he is a man of character who values family and commitment. Second, he doesn’t have maladaptive coping mechanisms where he needs female affirmation when times are tough. Third, he and I still have a good time together. Fourth, he 100% knows I would never tolerate this and he would never want to see his kids 50% of the time. He is fully aware that devastating our family would be his greatest regret.

Could I be wrong? Maybe. You can never be 100% certain. But, I think I have used my best judgment about his character in deciding to marry him.[/quote]

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