Let's be real. No "fidelity oriented" man is 35-45 and single and wants to spend 6 months in a dry courtship. These men got married at age 20.

Maybe you can catch a devasted divorcee or widower just getting back in the market, but you have very little time to lock it down before he's tired of being celibate

OP doesn't seem to be asking about what keeps husbands faithful. She seems more like a single woman looking for a man who will commit to embarking on a monogamous relationship with her that could lead to wedding bells. The comments about holding on to a man after 10 years of marriage seem to not fit in this discussion.

My advice is to very quickly assess whether he's poised to commit and if not, moving on. Do not waste a minute on a guy who isn't able to articulate that he's looking for a LTR. His willingness and readiness to commit has absolutely NOTHING to do with you.

Character.

Anonymous wrote:Single (35/F). I’ve noticed many of the men I meet aren’t interested in being in a faithful/committed relationship.

Of course, I’m looking for marriage with the right person and before we can be monogamous of course it starts with baseline of being in a relationship.

what am I missing? Do some men just not want to commit? Or what does it take for single men to settle down? I hate to think all men cheat.

Not all men cheat, not all women cheat. I have never unfaithful to my wife ever since I met her 40+ years ago. The thought of hurting her stops all temptations.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Too many whores out there. So many women will bang first meet, look for it online, don’t care if the for is married or already in a relationship. When free sex is everywhere- it’s a tough road.

You must be one of them yourself, if you are tearing down women so easily. I do not know of a single woman like that.

DP. They are all over the apps. They throw themselves at other women’s husbands. I see it all of the time.

If other women's husbands are on the apps, it's kind of like they are the ones cheating, no? Just because a woman throws herself at you doesn't mean you need to take your pants off and F her.

We can’t hold men accountable for anything apparently.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Too many whores out there. So many women will bang first meet, look for it online, don’t care if the for is married or already in a relationship. When free sex is everywhere- it’s a tough road.

You must be one of them yourself, if you are tearing down women so easily. I do not know of a single woman like that.

DP. They are all over the apps. They throw themselves at other women’s husbands. I see it all of the time.

If other women's husbands are on the apps, it's kind of like they are the ones cheating, no? Just because a woman throws herself at you doesn't mean you need to take your pants off and F her.

Anonymous wrote:Too many whores out there. So many women will bang first meet, look for it online, don’t care if the for is married or already in a relationship. When free sex is everywhere- it’s a tough road.

I love how she is asking about what makes a man committ and you immediately spew “women are whores” nonsense. Can you get more misogynistic ?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You give him lots of sexytime, it’s about that simple for the majority of guys.

Nope. Not sufficient and you'll get the wrong kind of guy.

Yes. Sufficient for at least 90% of guys. You will get a guy who will adore you forever.

Nope.
Men still cheat while getting it at home.

Men still cheat on super models.

Men still cheat on millionaire breadwinner wives.

Men still cheat submissive SAHW/Ms.

This comes down to the man. A quality man will not cheat. Not if he doesnt get sex, not if his wife gains weight, not if she works or doesnt work.

Cheating is simply a character flaw within that person. Being a blowup sex doll does not guarantee loyalty.

I think it comes down to a few things. First, stay away from guys who grew up with trauma or with a family that covered up real issues and didn’t deal with them. These are generally men who have maladaptive coping mechanisms unless they have done a lot of work on themselves before meeting you.

Second, don’t have sex with men that you aren’t exclusive with. At least they agree on “let’s pause on the dating apps and on sleeping with others for a few months while we see where this goes.” These are men of character. I met my husband online and he was actually the first to say “hey, are you still active on apps?” and opened the conversation.

Third, make sure you are evaluating for character and whether your values systems align more than just superficial stuff. Don’t worry about “sparks flying” on the first or second date. See if you have a good time and good conversations. See if they seem to be interested in having a good time more than getting in your pants immediately. My husband and I are dismayed by his friends who remain focused on the hotness of the woman as they age, and frankly, these men are going to die alone.

Fourth, try to get a sense of what their dads were like. This is their greatest role model for how to grow up and age. A majority of men expect their lives to look like their dad’s life even if it is unconscious and they claim “they want to be nothing like him” — unless they have worked a lot on themselves, they don’t know any other way to be.

Interestingly, I married a man whom I met when he was 38 and never married. He was a religious Republican, which was not my style at all (this was 20 years ago so not the republican party of today). I kept going out with him because we we’d just having so much fun. After a couple of months, I realized that I really thought our values systems were the same. He was pretty clear that he always wanted to be a husband and dad — his father was a great role model for this. We quickly talked marriage about five months in.

Over 20 years, he has done nothing but live up to my expectations. Our values have aligned more over the years. He is an amazing dad to a child with significant disabilities, when many men bail in this situation. Ultimately, I don’t think he will cheat on me for a number of reasons. First, he is a man of character who values family and commitment. Second, he doesn’t have maladaptive coping mechanisms where he needs female affirmation when times are tough. Third, he and I still have a good time together. Fourth, he 100% knows I would never tolerate this and he would never want to see his kids 50% of the time. He is fully aware that devastating our family would be his greatest regret.

Could I be wrong? Maybe. You can never be 100% certain. But, I think I have used my best judgment about his character in deciding to marry him.

A man needs to have been raised to have morals and integrity and to have learned right from wrong.

A man needs to be raised to value loyalty and have morals. I don’t think a woman can “make” a man commit to being faithful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The only thing you should try to change is to be attracted to / go after good men (the nice guy) instead of terrible ones. The rest of it — doesn’t matter what you do or how you try to change yourself, it’s not about you. It’s their mindset.

Unfortunately, there are also “nice guys” who cheat. My XH was one. He came up with a hundred reasons to justify it that would keep his nice guy reputation intact. In fact, when caught, he really acted like it was evidence that he was “too nice”, the knight in shining armor who rescued the damsel in distress.

Same. Mine spun it as he was so nice, and I was soooo mean, that he had no choice but to cheat. She yelled at me! She was angry all the time! No duh, of course I was angry because you were cheating.

Anonymous wrote:The only thing you should try to change is to be attracted to / go after good men (the nice guy) instead of terrible ones. The rest of it — doesn’t matter what you do or how you try to change yourself, it’s not about you. It’s their mindset.

Unfortunately, there are also “nice guys” who cheat. My XH was one. He came up with a hundred reasons to justify it that would keep his nice guy reputation intact. In fact, when caught, he really acted like it was evidence that he was “too nice”, the knight in shining armor who rescued the damsel in distress.

Anonymous wrote:Single (35/F). I’ve noticed many of the men I meet aren’t interested in being in a faithful/committed relationship.

Of course, I’m looking for marriage with the right person and before we can be monogamous of course it starts with baseline of being in a relationship.

what am I missing? Do some men just not want to commit? Or what does it take for single men to settle down? I hate to think all men cheat.

Fidelity has to be a personal value for him. This isn’t about religion necessarily. It’s about what he thinks is important for whatever reason.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Too many whores out there. So many women will bang first meet, look for it online, don’t care if the for is married or already in a relationship. When free sex is everywhere- it’s a tough road.

You must be one of them yourself, if you are tearing down women so easily. I do not know of a single woman like that.

DP. They are all over the apps. They throw themselves at other women’s husbands. I see it all of the time.