Reply to If you're a saver married to a spender

Forum Index » Money and Finances

Reply to "If you're a saver married to a spender"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. For those of you going on about Starbucks or even $1000 purses, our problem is much bigger than that.  I could bury my head in the sand if it were a couple of thousand dollars of discretionary spending.  My spouse is taking out significant debt to finance non-essential things I don't value.  My need for financial security directly conflicts with their need to spend (finance) big-ticket items I don't value.   They believe things will work out, income will continue to grow, and illiquid investments will pay off.   I am holding them back, and they are causing me anxiety.   [/quote]

That sucks, OP. You need to keep finances 100% separate (which could be tough depending on who is the bigger breadwinner). No co-signing. No exceptions. If you can't do that while married... then you're next decision is a tough one. This is bigger than saver vs spender. This is a difference in values and willingness to compromise. [/quote]

We're already in therapy.  We have some degree of separation and shared accounts.   We have an irresolvable, zero-sum conflict that has created so much resentment. I've tried and failed to find a middle ground.  Staying married means (i) forcing my will on my spouse and living with their resentment over not being able to take out debt and spend freely, or (ii) allowing them to force their will on me, and living with the anxiety I feel every month as our checking account goes to zero. Unfortunately, as the lower-earning and spending spouse, I can't make and save enough separate money to compensate for the debt they can incur.   But I do make enough money to support myself if we divorce.  [/quote]

Get a postnup.[/quote]

That is making a major assumption that OP would be able to save more with a post nup or separate accounts. It sounds like OP is demanding extreme enough savings that 1/2 of what they earn collectively (and there is no guarantee that OP would get 1/2) would not meet their individual expenses and savings needs.OP has yet to say anything about their actual finances or what their partner spends on. Makes me think OP is a crazy saver.[/quote]

OP here. I don't want to give away personal details.  I am a saver and prefer to retire relatively early, as my job is a grind.  DH is a spender, and he takes out debt to spend.  You might describe me as a crazy saver and him as a crazy spender because we are both on opposite ends of the spectrum.  Our mortgage is already 3x our combined annual income, and he wants to buy something else right now that would be financed entirely by debt, including a HELOC for the down payment that would bring our total debt-to-income ratio to 45%. It would mean there isn't a glide path to retirement for either of us for a very long time, and put us at significant risk if either of us loses a job or there is a recession.  [/quote]
So... don't sign for the HELOC. He's asking you to incur debt that uses your residence as collateral to finance what, a boat? A fancy car? A depreciating asset. Heck no, I would not sign that. I would not use a HELOC to fund home upgrades, let alone anything else. If y'all can't afford it any other way, y'all can't afford it.[/quote]

Definitely not signing a HELOC, and as far as I can tell, my spouse can't unilaterally take one out because we're both on the deed.  I want to be able to accommodate the thing they want, but we would have to finance the whole thing with debt because we already have almost no liquidity, and it would bring our total debt-to-income ratio of our combined income up to 45%, and that doesn't even include any additional debt he has, which, off the top of my head, puts us well above a 50% DTI on our combined income. We also have a lot of expenses related to owning a stupidly large house, and likely, some upcoming expenses associated with aging in-laws.  It's just gotten so absolutely crazy making at the moment that I keep coming back to feeling like the only way out is divorce.  It's that or lose my mind.  [/quote]

OP, divorce may not be a terrible idea, especially if things are trending into the resentment category. You have both grown and changed since you've gotten married. Priorities have changed. It happens, it's no one's fault. You're just not compatible as a couple anymore.

If your DH desperately needs the house to fund whatever plan he has, he can buy out your portion. Once you've disentangled yourself and your finances, go ahead and try to repair the relationship or co-parent in whatever way you find is best. But it doesn't sound like there is a way to resolve things from what you've described.

I'm glad to hear you can support yourself with your salary. Good luck OP, I wish you peace and an early retirement. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics