Reply to If you're a saver married to a spender

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. For those of you going on about Starbucks or even $1000 purses, our problem is much bigger than that.  I could bury my head in the sand if it were a couple of thousand dollars of discretionary spending.  My spouse is taking out significant debt to finance non-essential things I don't value.  My need for financial security directly conflicts with their need to spend (finance) big-ticket items I don't value.   They believe things will work out, income will continue to grow, and illiquid investments will pay off.   I am holding them back, and they are causing me anxiety.   [/quote]

That sucks, OP. You need to keep finances 100% separate (which could be tough depending on who is the bigger breadwinner). No co-signing. No exceptions. If you can't do that while married... then you're next decision is a tough one. This is bigger than saver vs spender. This is a difference in values and willingness to compromise. [/quote]

We're already in therapy.  We have some degree of separation and shared accounts.   We have an irresolvable, zero-sum conflict that has created so much resentment. I've tried and failed to find a middle ground.  Staying married means (i) forcing my will on my spouse and living with their resentment over not being able to take out debt and spend freely, or (ii) allowing them to force their will on me, and living with the anxiety I feel every month as our checking account goes to zero. Unfortunately, as the lower-earning and spending spouse, I can't make and save enough separate money to compensate for the debt they can incur.   But I do make enough money to support myself if we divorce.  [/quote]

Get a postnup.[/quote]

That is making a major assumption that OP would be able to save more with a post nup or separate accounts. It sounds like OP is demanding extreme enough savings that 1/2 of what they earn collectively (and there is no guarantee that OP would get 1/2) would not meet their individual expenses and savings needs.OP has yet to say anything about their actual finances or what their partner spends on. Makes me think OP is a crazy saver.[/quote]

OP here. I don't want to give away personal details.  I am a saver and prefer to retire relatively early, as my job is a grind.  DH is a spender, and he takes out debt to spend.  You might describe me as a crazy saver and him as a crazy spender because we are both on opposite ends of the spectrum.  Our mortgage is already 3x our combined annual income, and he wants to buy something else right now that would be financed entirely by debt, including a HELOC for the down payment that would bring our total debt-to-income ratio to 45%. It would mean there isn't a glide path to retirement for either of us for a very long time, and put us at significant risk if either of us loses a job or there is a recession.  [/quote]

Yes he has issues!! I'm sorry!

We always bought places that we could afford mostly with one salary--and saved the 2nd salary (about 50%) and the rest was used for extras, so we could still afford basic life without two jobs.  Takes a lot of stress out of a relationship[/quote]

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