Reply to If you're a saver married to a spender

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. For those of you going on about Starbucks or even $1000 purses, our problem is much bigger than that.  I could bury my head in the sand if it were a couple of thousand dollars of discretionary spending.  My spouse is taking out significant debt to finance non-essential things I don't value.  My need for financial security directly conflicts with their need to spend (finance) big-ticket items I don't value.   They believe things will work out, income will continue to grow, and illiquid investments will pay off.   I am holding them back, and they are causing me anxiety.   [/quote]

YOu need marriage therapy STAT.  And separate your finances if they don't make changes.  And quite frankly, I would consider separating, as I couldn't live with someone who differed so greatly on such a major issue in our lives.

[/quote]

We're already in therapy. It has resulted in some empathetic conversations, which have helped us better understand each other's positions, but it has not solved our conflict. Separate finances will be complicated and require compromise upfront rather than just giving an ultimatum, as we have a large mortgage in both our names that I could not afford to pay alone, so if they stop contributing in retaliation, I'm toast. [/quote]

Separate finances won't help you, because your spender spouse will keep accumulating debt anyway, and if you are married you could be still legally bound to pay it off. You need to stop contributing your income and let that account go negative. It doesn't matter that you earn less.  Whatever you earn gives safety net to your spending spouse.  It's because in spender's minds their earnings are their own to do as they please, but family needs this money, except they don't realize this until the other spouse stops contributing and suddenly they literally cannot make the ends meet.  In that case the only way is to start cutting spending and changing habits.  Most people aren't too far gone to keep accumulating debt knowing they are in the red every month. [/quote]

I know.  Is it crazy to ask for a divorce, sell the house (joint debt), and rent something where we can live together as a family until the kids are launched and come up with some cost-sharing agreement related to them?  I think I could be reasonably happy if I weren't in a financial partnership with my spouse.  They would be free to spend and incur debt on whatever they want (which they already do). In theory, since they have a higher income, this should be something they'd like. [/quote]

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