Reply to Why can't we punish cheaters?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You really need to get help for this obsession. Therapy, not DCUM.

Sexual or emotional cheating is really not on the list on worst-case scenarios in this world, OP. Maybe if you had a more expansive view of love and friendship, you wouldn't be so agonized at the idea of straying from a monogamous relationship. [/quote]

OMFG, no. Maybe if YOU had an ethical idea of nonmonogamous relationships, you'd realize that forcing your monogamous partner to accept your one-sided use of poly terms to justify cheating isn't "a more expansive view of love and friendship" so much as manipulative abuse.

If you want to practice ethical nonmonogamy, all parties need to be informed. That's not cheating. Cheating, by definition, involves keeping your so-called "primary partner" in the dark about your "others" and it's a screwed up way for screwed up people to live. [/quote]

PP you replied. You are correct that ideally all parties should be informed. But I find that a lot of cheating comes after years of an unsatisfactory married life, where communication essentially breaks down. In these circumstances, it's hard to point to one partner and say definitively that it's their fault. I just can't be bothered to care that much about such marriages.

Of course people on DCUM people mostly want to talk about poor innocent spouses, mostly women, blindsided by their horrible spouses, mostly men, when they thought they had a lovely marriage. In the rare cases that's actually true, yes, the cheaters are nasty... for keeping up a charade of a happy marriage. Should they be punished? Eh. It's a waste of your emotions and will taint you, IMO. These people are not worth soiling your soul.

The best revenge is always to live well and be happy. This is why you need to look first to your financial well-being ;-)

[/quote]

Lot of words to say "I'm okay with cheating".

If things have gone on for years and you're unhappy, you don't cheat. You divorce. You don't claim "communication broke down" in a way that precluded you from saying "I'm going to sleep with other people" before you did it/them. It's not at all difficult to point to one partner and say definitively that it's their fault: if you cheated, you're the AH.

Like AHs, every cheater has their excuse(s). Still a cheater, still the AH. Very few things in life are simple, but this one really is. [/quote]

I will admit that I only skimmed this, but a lot of people care more about their kids than cheating. There are many reasons people would stay married if there is cheating. For some people finances matter or more for some people their kids having one home matters more, especially if one spouse can’t be reliable and they would be granted 50-50. Their huge reasons why people stay when there’s cheating and other people choose to divorce it really is up to them and what they can tolerate because quite frankly divorce does not change the fact that the cheating happened and it often makes things worse, so you’re basically just trading one set of problems for another so a person has to choose what they’re willing to deal with.[/quote]

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