Reply to suicidal ideation- 9 yo DS

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[quote=Anonymous]I am a woman and I was suicidal at age 9 and 10. I also had a fear of losing control and stabbing myself with a kitchen knife. My other plan was to hang myself. I just remember feeling like life was too stressful to handle. But I also felt really sad about my fantasies and often cried thinking or talking about them. It's interesting that other people here are mentioning OCD, ASD, and ADHD. I am formally diagnosed with ADHD and bipolar II, but I have traits of OCD and ASD as well, even more so when I was a child.

For me, the causes of my suicidal ideation were a reflection of my mom's (even though I didn't consciously know that she wanted to die too). I was very anxious about lots of things, and that may have been a reflection of my dad, who has always been an anxious person. I am very sensitive to other peoples' moods. The overall vibration and health of my household was low at that time. My parents did not pay much attention to me because they were busy with their jobs and my mom's poor mental health.

I was put on prozac and abilify in 4th grade (abilify was added after a few weeks because prozac didn't help). Those meds made me waaay worse in terms of my suicidality and impulsivity. I tried to run in front of a moving car, banged my head on the wall, and drank out of a toilet. Wellbutrin, lithium, and olanzapine were helpful to me as a teen. I went off of all meds in my early 20s because of kidney and liver problems, but I am stable because I have been addressing my childhood trauma for years and living a healthy lifestyle. I love and respect myself much more than I did growing up. I don't take my life for granted anymore.

One thing that made me not want to kill myself was my mom telling me about how she wanted to have me, and she wanted a daughter. She cried telling me that the day before I was born, she saw me sucking my thumb on an ultrasound. I cried with her and said "that's beautiful." I was taken off the medications and my suicidal thougts became less and less. I went back to my old school the next year and saw my old friends who I had known for longer, and that helped too. (I went back on other medications at 14 because of unresolved depression from this, and I had developed anorexia and bulimia too. I fully recovered around age 20.)

My advice is to, of course, keep looking for good therapy and finding the root cause of these thoughts and feelings. HOWEVER, kids that young (and teens too) need their PARENTS' connection. I felt way more comfortable talking to my parents at that age than a therapist. Check up on how your family dynamic is. Are you doing fun things together and demonstrating lots of love? Is your child left alone a lot or actively involved? Is your child exposed to media telling him that the world is an awful, hopeless place? Eliminate those sources as much as you can. Don't argue or talk about your own stressors with your spouse in front of your child.

Try to give your child ideas of things to look forward to in life. I LOVE my life now. I am married to a wonderful man and living in a beautiful country and working a job that makes me feel super satisfied. I am so glad I didn't kill myself as a kid. I would have missed out on so much. But I didn't dream about what my adult life could be at all when I was suicidal. I also didn't realize how profoundly it would have impacted my friends and family for the rest of their lives. I thought they would be sad for a few weeks and then move on and forget about it. Nope! A child's death is a loss that family members never fully get over. I did not realize that with my state of frontal lobe development at age 9. Make sure your child hears that they are deeply loved and wanted.

Maybe introduce faith or spiritual-based teachings as well. I see my life as a precious gift now and I feel that it would be offensive to God to hurt the body he gave me. And not everyone's body can regenerate (I think of this regarding how I used to cut myself as a teen; some people have blood clotting disorders). I am blessed and priviledged to have a healthy, normal body. I do believe that God has kept me alive for this long for a purpose (I have had several near-death experiences, some of which I'm probably not even aware of). The book of Job has resonated with me lately, especially chapters 5 and 6, although idk if it would be comprehensible to a kid.

Also look into energetic cleaning and clearing in the house if you're open to that. Stuff like burning sage and palo santo with the windows open and praying for a happy and peaceful home. Burn a white, yellow, and/or pink candle with a glass of water next to it. Pray that all negative energy in the home will go into the glass of water as the candle burns, and then dump it down the sink once the candle burns out or when you extinguish it. I know lots of people think this stuff is nutty, but to me, I really do feel a positive difference in the atmosphere. Look up "smudging" if you want more info on the first part of this paragraph.

Please feel free to dm me on instagram @daintyandpainty. (I don't want to post my phone or email publically.) This topic is near and dear to me because of my past experiences, and I really hope that your son will find the light. You can read all or parts of this message to him. Tight hugs, Santana. [/quote]

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