Reply to MIL confronted me and wasn’t ready for my response

Forum Index » Family Relationships

Reply to "MIL confronted me and wasn’t ready for my response"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP I thought it was great. I have spent my whole life being a people pleaser and thinking I am taking the high road every time I am polite to someone who is obnoxious. Now in middle age with so many stressors at once, I am polite at first, but if you F around, you will find out.

Her question was neither polite nor respectful in the words she chose. She was trying to put you on the defense. You answered the question. It doesn't matter that OP isn't perfect. She doesn't ask abrasive questions. If MIL said "I want you to feel more comfortable around me. Is there something I do that offends you?" Regardless, MIL asked a question and OP gave her honest answer.

Well done OP. She needs to learn if she is going to chose an abrasive way of communicating you will not cower and kiss as$.[/quote]

OP here. Thank you. This resonates with me so much. I am people pleaser, but as you say, life gets harder with my oldest in middle school, recent deaths in my family, recent death of a friend, and busy time at work. I have the capacity to manage myself and help my husband and kids, and my village when I can.

We go out of our way to attend this trip, and it’s a long drive and I make a lot of food and DH does tons of clean-up. It’s a busy time for both our works and school and frankly it’s much easier for all the retirees. [/quote]

I feel the same.  The fact that you're even participating in this given her poor treatment of you is something she should appreciate.  You might want to make less food and order more.  For me, when I go out of my way to work hard to help people who treat me poorly it makes me resentful.  You sound like you might be similar, so try and reduce your resentfulness by reducing how much you do.[/quote]

NP and I think your response was great too. I’m also a recovering people pleaser and played into my mil’s need for things to be a specific way (but in my case without actually asking for it but directing, and also overlooking or acknowledging peoples efforts ever for doing things the ways she wants).

Anyway, I’ve had versions of this conversation with my mil over the years as I came into being more direct. Ive taken a slightly softer approach with more I statements and acknowledging my set backs. She has never participated in the conversation likewise. Instead placing blame on me for hurting her feelings. It is really hard. I just think that generation wasn’t modeled or taught how to have tough conversations without placing blame. Whereas personal accountability is the first place I was taught to look when having an issue with someone.

I do something resembling safe, friendly sharing with a little directness (when she is gossipy and says outright mean things like mocking extended family I will say “that was a mean thing to say”), with grey rock when she says thing I don’t agree with but it’s not my place to unpack things with her as she is not asking my opinion. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics