Reply to Discipline and your spouse - if one person is much more strict...

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op here. Wish. I really mid-spoke when I said force-feeding; I did not mean that he put food in her mouth (nor did my mother mean that). She meants that her forced her to finish her 4 nuggets before getting up from the table even though she said she was full. Right before I left, I saw him holding a ketchup-dipped nugget in front of her while he was seated right beside her (so couldnt see her face) and say "take a bite now."
I was in a bad mood and snarled (in front of my mother) "her mouth is full, in case you didn't notice"

He does have anger issues. We completed a year of couples therapy some time back. He doesn't wish to continue.

Thank you very much the posters who empathized and were honest. To read dcum, I would think I was the only mother who ever lost her cool, so it's nice to read that there are other human parents out there and that they are working on their issues.

To whit, I have tried beginning a discussion on discipline and parenting.[/quote]

Not respecting her self reporting of hunger and forcing her to eat regardless is disrespectful and may in fact set her up for an eating disorder.

You qualify pointing out that her mouth was full (a safety issue and again an issue of respecting her self reported hunger cues) by saying that you were "in a bad mood and snarled (in front of my mother)..."

That isn't really addressing the situation OP. You could have said calmly, she said that she is not hungry. Or "why don't you go work since my folks are here" or "telling her to 'take a bite now'" when her mouth is full is a choking hazzard. I'd love to have heard the intonation on the word "now". Your behavior is that of a disempowered snarky teen appealing to mom to intervene. You and your husband have a really messed up power dynamic and it's playing out at the expense of the kids. The lack of mutual respect probably stems from his own childhood. People I've known like him were never treated with respect so they don't give it to others. They also have a LOT of grief work to do, either after leaving their family of origen or when they become parents. Controlling the kids is a place to put the feelings that come up when he sees you and your parents giving love, fun, empathy, stuff he didn't get.

You know that there are problems in your marriage which is why you did a year of therapy. That he won't continue may mean that the feelings from his childhood that are coming up are too painful to deal with. Your kids will hate your for not protecting them OP.

If I were you I'd set up a nanny cam or two, esp near the table. If he is doing stuff like that in front of people the stuff you aren't aware of is way worse.  Document it and you will get sole custody. If he is willing, he needs to see someone who specializes in adults who were abused as children. He has a lot of anxiety that is coming out as control. This is fundamentally changing who the kids were meant to be. Your mom it trying to awaken your protective instincts OP. I'd document and talk to a lawyer. [/quote]

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