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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I think he actually sounds like a good guy with a traumatic history and you should talk with him about what he was thinking.  I don’t think breaks are useful.

If you want to get married, you need to have that conversation with him about whether he thinks there is a time, down the road, where he could picture that with you.  I wouldn’t push a timeline, but make him aware that if you want kids you do have some valid time concerns.  I would hold the line on moving in together.  Doesn’t matter when exactly, but no co-living until he’s ready to commit.[/quote]

I agree with this advice.

I don't think the relationship is unsalvageable.

I don't think you need therapy or a psychologist if you find it that unhelpful.

The concept of a break seems ill-defined and slightly risky to your relationship.

I think it seems logical according to your needs that you get engaged before he moves in.

I lived with my husband for several summers (he joined me at my place, during the school year he was in grad student shared housing).  When it got to another decision point, I said we had been dating for years, and he had provisionally lived with me several times on a temporary basis, and it was time to decide to get engaged or break up.  This was in our late 20s, with him being about a year out of grad school.

It seems to me that you are at a decision point and he is not.  I suggest you give him a few more months to clarify his feelings.  You are not responsible for the crazy ex situation and he needs to decide whether he wants to marry you enough to move forward with an engagement.  That's a big, serious step.  So a little more time is warranted.  But in early 30s, it's unwise to allow living together for 1-2 more years and then just end up facing the same decisions.

I am of the mind that engagements can be broken if trouble crops up.  It's the decision to get engaged that is the key point.  Do not overinvest in rings and wedding planning fripperies.  View it as a firm step towards a permanent bond.

For those who are unsympathetic about OP's view of psychologists, I'm team OP.  Some people are capable of handling their adult emotional business themselves.  Also the middle school psychologist in my school district has actually worsened my child's life by butting into what in earlier times would have been a bunch of privately-handled preteen relationship drama and playground nonsense (no crimes or sex involved, just kids, feelings, and pre-teen stupidity like tattletaling).[/quote]

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