Anonymous wrote:OP here. It’s crazy because I’ve known him for 3 years now and he is always the most calm and collected man I know. Our communication skills have been top notch until this. I know I hurt when I didn’t tell him I was looking for other jobs but I don’t what to say anything until I got a new job.

His ex did a number on him. They got engaged at her insistence and then she cheated and sold the engagement ring. He came home from a business trip and she had moved out and then blocked him. This was years ago but I think he’s still scarred by it.

This is interesting. They were engaged so he was probably feeling very comfortable with her. I wonder how many times he showed up drunk in the middle of the night and how many times she insisted this was “sooo out of character” before she wisened up and made a plan to leave.

I will say I’m 40 and I’ve only had one ex who did stuff like this. It doesn’t get change. The sooner you break it off completely the better.

Communicating during no contact is not no contact. And...it was only a week. If you want to be with him, work it out. If you don't, then let him go. It's all pretty simple.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think he actually sounds like a good guy with a traumatic history and you should talk with him about what he was thinking. I don’t think breaks are useful.

If you want to get married, you need to have that conversation with him about whether he thinks there is a time, down the road, where he could picture that with you. I wouldn’t push a timeline, but make him aware that if you want kids you do have some valid time concerns. I would hold the line on moving in together. Doesn’t matter when exactly, but no co-living until he’s ready to commit.

I agree with this advice.

I don't think the relationship is unsalvageable.

I don't think you need therapy or a psychologist if you find it that unhelpful.

The concept of a break seems ill-defined and slightly risky to your relationship.

I think it seems logical according to your needs that you get engaged before he moves in.

I lived with my husband for several summers (he joined me at my place, during the school year he was in grad student shared housing). When it got to another decision point, I said we had been dating for years, and he had provisionally lived with me several times on a temporary basis, and it was time to decide to get engaged or break up. This was in our late 20s, with him being about a year out of grad school.

It seems to me that you are at a decision point and he is not. I suggest you give him a few more months to clarify his feelings. You are not responsible for the crazy ex situation and he needs to decide whether he wants to marry you enough to move forward with an engagement. That's a big, serious step. So a little more time is warranted. But in early 30s, it's unwise to allow living together for 1-2 more years and then just end up facing the same decisions.

I am of the mind that engagements can be broken if trouble crops up. It's the decision to get engaged that is the key point. Do not overinvest in rings and wedding planning fripperies. View it as a firm step towards a permanent bond.

For those who are unsympathetic about OP's view of psychologists, I'm team OP. Some people are capable of handling their adult emotional business themselves. Also the middle school psychologist in my school district has actually worsened my child's life by butting into what in earlier times would have been a bunch of privately-handled preteen relationship drama and playground nonsense (no crimes or sex involved, just kids, feelings, and pre-teen stupidity like tattletaling).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It’s crazy because I’ve known him for 3 years now and he is always the most calm and collected man I know. Our communication skills have been top notch until this. I know I hurt when I didn’t tell him I was looking for other jobs but I don’t what to say anything until I got a new job.

His ex did a number on him. They got engaged at her insistence and then she cheated and sold the engagement ring. He came home from a business trip and she had moved out and then blocked him. This was years ago but I think he’s still scarred by it.

You're only hearing about the old relationship from one perspective. I wouldn't be so quick to assume that he was the blameless victim or to blame her for his behavior in your relationship.

OP here. I’ve met her and hung out with her several times in groups. She is crazy. Got pregnant by the guy she cheated with but is engaged to someone else. My ex never did anything wrong to warrant issues. She was also abusive to him many times.

OP you should question why he got engaged to someone like this?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand what you mean by a commitment.

Do you mean:

Monogamy/sexual exclusivity
Mingled finances
Engagement
Definite near-term wedding plans

No way I'd be living with someone who is still dating others...

OP here. I want to get engaged. We have been sexually exclusive from day 1. We were friends first before we started dating and I was the first and only woman he slept with a year after his breakup.

Hahahaha. If you believe that, you’re more than gullible. Seriously, this relationship has no redeeming qualities and neither of you is mature enough to be in a relationship at all.

OP here. I believe him. Not all men sleep around and hook up with random women. He’s not like that.

Anonymous wrote:Sorry sounds like a drunk dial booty call gone wrong and or he was too drunk to drive home and you were the closest to the bar and or the first one or only one to answer his call or text.

Just saying… give it a few weeks at least. Most men can’t be alone for very long, so if you broke it off with him, there’s a good chance he was out at the bar looking for your replacement.

Also even if you take him back his head will be on a swivel looking for a more reliable alternative to you so, while he keeps you around for convenience he will be developing other relationships “friendships” just in case he needs to call up a reserve.

See point above most men can’t be alone so he’s not getting caught high and dry the next time you decide to “break it off”.

Christ, dude. You have to be projecting, because the very first post is exactly the opposite.

Anonymous wrote:My “ ex” and I got into a pretty big fight last weekend and decided to take a break. We have gone almost full no contact except little messages here and there from him until late last night when he showed up at my door intoxicated saying he messed up and that he doesn’t want to breakup. It was late so he slept in the guest bedroom and then left early this morning. He initiated the break, not me. I’m perplexed and confused by his behavior. His once level headed composure seemed to go out the window last night. He also never drinks much. I’m in love with him but my friend said his behavior is a red flag and to not take him back. Is it or would I be stupid to mend things?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why is your self-respect so low that you tolerate this kind of behavior.

OP here. My self-respect isn’t low. He has been amazing partner thus far and I don’t feel like forgiving him for one bad night makes me lack self-respect.

OP, why did you start this thread? What do you want people to say?