Reply to I filed for divorce today and feel awful

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote]This.[b] OP, my kids seem to have internalized their dad leaving us [/b](midlife crisis) as they weren't worth caring about. Ex thinks thousands of dollars of therapy will "fix" it but it's not the same thing as a dad who dug deep, realized happiness comes from within and from being a good person, and who built a good childhood for them. Kids from single parent homes do not do as well, there isn't enough to go around - time, attention, $, and the kids have to make adjustments that they don't have the resources to navigate. My ex was so into the nesting idea/kids stay put and parents move in and out, if we ever split, then decided it was "too much" for him to live like that, better to foist it on preschoolers. [/quote]

This makes me nuts, and I've seen it all over this thread, starting on the first page.  (Sorry, PP, this is just the straw that broke the camel's back.)  While it's possible that it's true in your case (the rest of your post is tl;dr), most divorced women I know misuse this phrase.  He didn't leave "us," he left you, the spouse, the individual.  There's a big, big difference.  I know there are men who really leave their families - don't see the kids anymore, don't appear to care about them - and they suck beyond words.  But more often, I think, men (and women) leave their spouse, and still are parents to the kids, and involved with them.  Saying "he left us" is a combination of victimization, pity party, and attempting to mate the leaving spouse appear to worse than s/he really is.  I know it comes from a place of hurt, but that doesn;t make it accurate, or healthy.  I really hope you don't pass on that narrative to your kids.    [/quote]

I don't know, PP.  The generic dad in this situation really is leaving "the family," not just the mom.  He is looking at being an intact family unit and he's saying no, I don't want that, I'd rather be on my own.  I don't doubt that he still gets them on weekends or whatever, but still, like the dad in this example, he is saying that he'd rather be on his own and play tennis and volunteer than keep his family together.  I don't think the OP was very clear, but let's say the main issue here was that he wanted to be free to work long hours (ambitious) and travel half the year.  Mom couldn't put up with that and all that went along with it (particularly after she was constantly being accused of being a prison guard when she tried to discipline the few times he was actually around).  Dad chooses his image as an ambitious, lofty thinking businessman over staying with his wife and kids.

I'm totally extrapolating from OP's post, but let's assume that's just a generic example.  In that case, I would definitely say that dad left "us."  Because when you start a family and you choose to leave, you leave the family.  I think in general terms that any dad insisting that he left the wife and not the kids is just trying to make HIMself feel better about what he did.[/quote]

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