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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]There is a division of the cooler prettier girls during the teen years.

I remember going to middle school and I had a good friend drop me for the cool popular crowd. I made new friends who were equally pretty and nice but we didn’t hang out with boys. The friend who acted like she no longer knew me was basically recruited by the cool boys. I never thought of my friend as mean. [/quote]

Parents who present the kids who go off with popular friends or find a new group as "mean" are genuinely missing an opportunity.  Friendships shift.  People grow apart.  Sometimes we might like it and sometimes we might not.  It's part of life.  Do teen girls always handle it the best way they could?  Nope.  So talk about that.  But really it is normal for friendships to change so teach your kids to be resilient and move on with as much grace as possible.[/quote]

Please. Giggling and whispering while looking at a former best friend, w[b]hom you suddenly completely ignore for no good reason[/b], is not "people growing apart" and "friendship changing". It is bullying. And with so many mothers unable to see it for it is, no wonder it's rampant.
[/quote]

Did anyone read this part...

Do teen girls always handle it the best way they could?  Nope.  So talk about that.

They are not suddenly ignoring them for no good reason TO THEM.  In their middle school brain, being cool is really important.  Don't shame them for it.  Talk to them about it.  Is being popular "real"?  Not really.  Does it feel good in the moment?  Sure and why.  Is it going to last?  Probably not.  What is actually important in a friendship?  What are you willing to do to be or stay popular?  How does that feel?  Are you even having any fun?

I still think a lot of you are just missing an opportunity for conversation and have black and white thinking.  Most of our kids are going to be both on the receiving and giving end of this type of crap.[/quote]

There is no good reason to completely ignore someone you know very well, much less giggle at them. There is something called kindness, and if that's not your thing, politeness. When you grow apart, regardless of whether the reason is a good or a stupid one (to you, or to someone else) you say hello and make some small talk on occasion. You don't laugh at them. You don' ridicule them.

The problem here is not the friendship group changed, or that teens grew apart - this happens all the time, as it should. [b]It's the bullying[/b]. You keep trivializing bullying because "nobody is perfect" and let's not do "black and white thinking". But in your oh so sophisticated gray world, there are a lot of shades of gray. And bullying is a pretty dark one.[/quote]

Agreed.

PP who keeps talking about the opportunity to talk - of course it is.  You talk to them about how it IS natural that friendships shift at this age and throughout life AND you emphasize how to do that while still being a kind person. You talk to your kids about NOT being a bully.  You don't justify their teen BS reasons (i.e. being cool).  You emphasize that treating others poorly to be cool is, well, NOT cool.

And if your kid is the target of mean behavior, you talk to them about that, too.  Standing up for themselves, finding kinder people to be around,  what real friendship looks like, etc.  And mostly you listen, so that they have a safe place to discuss how they feel.

And that comment about don't shame them for it or don't call it "mean".  Hell, no to that.  They should feel some shame if they are mistreating an old friend simply based on some middle school ideas about being cool.  Shame serves a purpose when you are growing and developing.  If you mistreat someone, you should be called out on it, the word "mean" can be applied, and you should feel shame.  [/quote]

Reading comprehension.

It said don’t shame them for being interested in being popular.  Which I agree with.  Yes be firm about being kind and sure it’s bullying.  It’s not trivializing bullying to help a kid think about what they’re doing and why.  Both things can happen.  Firm boundaries for kid and a conversation.

Point is try to have actual convos.[/quote]

There is nothing wrong with my reading comprehension.  You are splitting hairs.  Striving to be "popular" in MS, with all that goes with that, is never positive behavior and never leads to being a better person.  There is always mean, exclusionary nonsense going on. That's the whole point  of that immature dynamic.  You don't want to foster that.[/quote]

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