Reply to S/O is anyone not bothered by the “mental load”?

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Reply to "S/O is anyone not bothered by the “mental load”?"

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[quote=Anonymous]I appreciate your willingness acknowledge your blind spots.  I would like to point out that there is a huge range of contributions - it's not that you have either a useless spouse or an equal partner.  My DH is a great person.  We've been married 25+ years, have 3 kids and I've always made more money than him (but we are still 'poors' by DCUM standards).  I grew up with a lot of DV/addiction/etc. and DH is the opposite of all that.  He really is the right person to help me break that generational cycle.

Yet, DH also suffers from ADHD/depression.  I'm pretty much the opposite. It's not that he doesn't want to be a better partner but what comes so easily/thoughtlessly to me is hard for him.  When his depression isn't well controlled, it's even worse.  To top things off, two of our kids have ADHD/anxiety - of of which has other significant challenges.  We have one NT kid.  DH is also an only child so there wasn't anyone to share the load with when his parents were in failing health.

In the short run, I'm more than capable of handling a huge mental load on top of carrying all the other loads.  Yet, even I have my limits and having operated well beyond those for a couple years, I find I no longer have the resiliency/capacity that I did before.  Yes, it's easier now that the kids are older teens/young adults and we don't have 3-5 appointments each week.  But, that doesn't mean I can bounce back to the person I used to be.

I will also note that if we had more disposable HHI, things would be a lot different.  I'd LOVE to plan a vacation, especially one where I'm not also the cruise director.  Financially, we continue to be stretched too tightly. We deferred fully contributing to our retirement to pay for medical services and now 2 of our kids are in college.  We've saved enough to pay for 2 years of college for each of them and they work PT but who doesn't want to give there kids some $$ every now and then?  Disposable income could make a huge difference. [/quote]

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