Reply to Why people don't get along with their in-laws?

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[quote=Anonymous]What an obtuse question. Consider yourself fortunate if you get along with your in laws.  There are all kinds of people out there.

DH had toxic parents and the only way we've been able to maintain a relationship and contact with them is through a lot of boundary setting.

I had never met anyone like my MIL before and I was like a sacrificial goat to her - naiive, fresh blood.  We actually have a pretty good relationship now, but it took a long time to get there and a lot of mental anguish on my part.

When DH and I got engaged, all of the craziness started coming out. A full on campaign by her to get me enmeshed with her and turn me into her therapist.  Daily phone calls, mulitple page long emails, and constant complaining to me about how DH didn't call her. I had to navigate all kinds of weirdness.  Her weird kissing of DH on the lips in front of me.  Her constant gaslighting of her own children - "that never happened".  The rants she would go into if her children didn't express the appropriate level of gratitude and praise for her efforts. The constant triangulation to keep all of her kids from speaking to each other and only speaking thru her.

And some of the weirdest and worst stuff was with her own daughter.  She tried to form closer relationships with her daughter's spouses and turn them against her daughter.  Tried to shame her daughter into not divorcing because it would bring shame upon the family, and because she didn't divorce even though she wanted to, so she should just suck it up like she did.  Meanwhile this was with a guy who was clearly a snake who was an alcoholic, gambling addict, emotionally abusive, controlling, and married the daughter when she was 18 and he was nearly 40, ended up committing financial fraud against her (opened up multiple accounts in her name, and racked up hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt without her knowing). Also MIL tried to befriend all of her daughter's friends, writing them long letters, eventually turning them against her daughter.  Because she would paint her as crazy and a liar who made up a lot of stories.

She started doing similar things with me.  And calling me the daughter she never had.  Also kept trying to overshare with me about everything, including sexual problems she was having with FIL.  I kept saying I didn't want to hear it. I'm really just scratching the surface, there was much more.

DCUM really helped me navigate this and ultimately allowed us to maintain a pretty good relationship.  Grey rock technique worked great.  Consistent, clear boundaries.  In other words, there are always reasons.[/quote]

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