Anonymous wrote:They are NOT my family. I am friendly and kind but would not force more interaction with hem than DH wants and definitely will NOT take over holiday gifts buying, schedule negotiation and all correspondence. No way in hell

Just like kids get married. I don't plan to deal with my son and daughter-in-law.... I plan to deal with my children. I also don't plan to bring me in-laws and relationship I have with my children.

Perfect example of why ILs don't get along.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is pretty open about the fact that she doesn’t like me and would prefer for DH to leave me and take the kids to live with her. I try to be civil, but she’s not interested in a relationship with me. She says pretty horrible things about me and my family to other people (like a mom friend of mine at my kids bday party) and then complains to DH that she feels like we don’t want to invite her to things.

I feel that my MIL is hoping I die so that she can move in and be with her only son and the grandkids. My mom was so disturbed by her behavior during a recent visit, she warned me not to eat or drink anything MIL tries to give me.

YIKES.

I think part of it is that the family of origin does not really except that they lose primacy of importance to a spouse, who is an “outsider.” And the spouse views the family of marriage (spouse and kids) as the persons of primary importance. It is made worse and cases where the family of origin of use the children as part of their group, because of the blood relationship, but still does not see the spouse as an equal and important member of the group.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are NOT my family. I am friendly and kind but would not force more interaction with hem than DH wants and definitely will NOT take over holiday gifts buying, schedule negotiation and all correspondence. No way in hell

Just like kids get married. I don't plan to deal with my son and daughter-in-law.... I plan to deal with my children. I also don't plan to bring me in-laws and relationship I have with my children.

DP here. I find that sad, because I have been part of families that treat significant others as family - everyone is included, not just those who want to be only children (or MIL/FIL favorites).

DP. I don't want to be treated as 'family' by my ILs. They are emotionally manipulative, have internalized misogyny, are judgmental and don't recogize what great people their kids are. If they were members of my family of origin, I would call them out and be very explicit about behaviors that I had issues with. I have, however, deferrred to DH's wishes not to do that. I keep them at arms length.

Is that 'sad'? Sure. True 'family' is supportive and healthy. When we're adults, we get to choose who our families are.

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is pretty open about the fact that she doesn’t like me and would prefer for DH to leave me and take the kids to live with her. I try to be civil, but she’s not interested in a relationship with me. She says pretty horrible things about me and my family to other people (like a mom friend of mine at my kids bday party) and then complains to DH that she feels like we don’t want to invite her to things.

I feel that my MIL is hoping I die so that she can move in and be with her only son and the grandkids. My mom was so disturbed by her behavior during a recent visit, she warned me not to eat or drink anything MIL tries to give me.

It took my in-laws a very long time to learn that they are not in charge of their adult children. Now in our 40’s, they seem to get it but it was a very bumpy road. I’ll never forget when I was hosting my SIL’s baby shower in my small house and my own mom was coming to town to help with my own baby while I hosted. My in-laws were irate (like screaming into the phone at DH that I could hear across the room) that we were not willing to also host other out of town relatives and they kept saying “but we already told Aunt Emily she could stay at your house!!” Like boiling spitting mad over this. I will never forget it.

My FIL lives in our coach house and is fully integrated. My late MIL saw me as competition, an outsider, you name it. DH is an only child. It was hard, I tried. She was actually an interesting person.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Often these relationships start off on the wrong foot. The first time I met my inlaws I was bright, smiley, knocked myself out to engage them in conversation, and they wouldn't even make eye contact with me. To them I was just some girl their son was "spending time" with, and I wasn't the first girlfriend he'd brought home. Eventually after a long time they realized I was sticking around and started to warm up but by then the die was cast.

That was their son’s fault for bringing home a bunch of floosies before you.

DP. It doesn't matter how many women the DS brought home before the PP.

It matters a little.

I get along fine for short periods of time. I never put DH through having to put up with my parents. They live abroad and have met only once.

I think many people do actually get along with their in laws, but “I like my mother in law” doesn’t make a great post.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why most people don't get along with their in laws(FIL, MIL, DIL, SIL, BIL)?

First off, it’s a forced relationship via marriage.

Second off, most people try to be civil and respectful.

Third off, everyone’s family and culture has their own norms. Some “norms” can be downright terrible and abusive, or driving by inherited mental disorders.

It takes a mature person to look at their family of origin’s “norms” and pick and choose what to keep, what to discard, what to change. And what’s downright wrong. But an adaptable, growing, mature person does just that everytime they meet someone.

You are your experiences.
You learn at home age 0-18 plus as school and from coach’s and from friends families. You realize there are other ways to doing things and are fine with that, adapt some as your own. You have roommates, significant others, coworkers, where you learn more and more.

The problem is the people set in their ways who never learn or grow or adapt. They are very difficult to live with or spend loads of time with.

Exactly! To the bolded, I'd add people who are not only set in their ways but expect others to conform to their norms and act out when others don't.

What an obtuse question. Consider yourself fortunate if you get along with your in laws. There are all kinds of people out there.

DH had toxic parents and the only way we've been able to maintain a relationship and contact with them is through a lot of boundary setting.

I had never met anyone like my MIL before and I was like a sacrificial goat to her - naiive, fresh blood. We actually have a pretty good relationship now, but it took a long time to get there and a lot of mental anguish on my part.

When DH and I got engaged, all of the craziness started coming out. A full on campaign by her to get me enmeshed with her and turn me into her therapist. Daily phone calls, mulitple page long emails, and constant complaining to me about how DH didn't call her. I had to navigate all kinds of weirdness. Her weird kissing of DH on the lips in front of me. Her constant gaslighting of her own children - "that never happened". The rants she would go into if her children didn't express the appropriate level of gratitude and praise for her efforts. The constant triangulation to keep all of her kids from speaking to each other and only speaking thru her.

And some of the weirdest and worst stuff was with her own daughter. She tried to form closer relationships with her daughter's spouses and turn them against her daughter. Tried to shame her daughter into not divorcing because it would bring shame upon the family, and because she didn't divorce even though she wanted to, so she should just suck it up like she did. Meanwhile this was with a guy who was clearly a snake who was an alcoholic, gambling addict, emotionally abusive, controlling, and married the daughter when she was 18 and he was nearly 40, ended up committing financial fraud against her (opened up multiple accounts in her name, and racked up hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt without her knowing). Also MIL tried to befriend all of her daughter's friends, writing them long letters, eventually turning them against her daughter. Because she would paint her as crazy and a liar who made up a lot of stories.

She started doing similar things with me. And calling me the daughter she never had. Also kept trying to overshare with me about everything, including sexual problems she was having with FIL. I kept saying I didn't want to hear it. I'm really just scratching the surface, there was much more.

DCUM really helped me navigate this and ultimately allowed us to maintain a pretty good relationship. Grey rock technique worked great. Consistent, clear boundaries. In other words, there are always reasons.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Often these relationships start off on the wrong foot. The first time I met my inlaws I was bright, smiley, knocked myself out to engage them in conversation, and they wouldn't even make eye contact with me. To them I was just some girl their son was "spending time" with, and I wasn't the first girlfriend he'd brought home. Eventually after a long time they realized I was sticking around and started to warm up but by then the die was cast.

That was their son’s fault for bringing home a bunch of floosies before you.

DP. It doesn't matter how many women the DS brought home before the PP.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are NOT my family. I am friendly and kind but would not force more interaction with hem than DH wants and definitely will NOT take over holiday gifts buying, schedule negotiation and all correspondence. No way in hell

Just like kids get married. I don't plan to deal with my son and daughter-in-law.... I plan to deal with my children. I also don't plan to bring me in-laws and relationship I have with my children.

DP here. I find that sad, because I have been part of families that treat significant others as family - everyone is included, not just those who want to be only children (or MIL/FIL favorites).

Do you also find it sad that my DH is kind to my family but isn't in charge of my relationship with them?

DP. What I find sad isn’t how you or your husband “manage” your in law - it’s your angry and defensive tone. Is that how you go about life? It must be exhausting for you and unpleasant for others.

Anonymous wrote:Because it’s another group that has expectations/demands. As a working parent, you have to fulfill many people’s expectations/demands… from your kids, from work, from your own family, & from your in-laws. It is a lot.

I can deal with the demands & expectations from my own parents (as annoying as they can be right now), because I remember all of the things they did for me when I was growing up. So that makes it easier for me to do things for them, to visit when they want or take them to see great aunt Mary or whatever. Because they did all of that & more for me.

But I don’t have that store of good feelings with my in-laws, so their demands are just …demands. They didn’t pay into the pot, so to speak, so I don’t really feel a sense of obligation to them. I know my partner might, and so if he wants to visit and do stuff, I do too. But if they are not people I would enjoy talking to at a party, and I don’t have that feeling of obligation towards them that I have towards my own parents, and DH does not put in the effort to plan visits with them…then the relationship is not great.

My relationship is decent with the in-laws because DH does the “work” - he plans stuff with them, will take the kids to visit with me & also without me, buys them gifts. When we host, I am on duty for a lot of it like the cooking, but DH “handles” them. So we can have a nice relationship. I think when that is not the case, it makes it hard for the spouse to like the in-laws - it’s all demands & obligations, without that built- up feeling of love underneath it.

Thank you! You've really captured what I feel! But, my DH doesn't do the 'work'. The expectation in his family is that the women will do all that and more. I've always been the primary breadwinner, have a more demanding job than DH and manage the appointment/therapy/school load for the kids (2 of the kids have SN). I've got a lot on my plate and I never had the bandwidth to also take on the obligation of his family.

It's not enough that I'm an excellent partner and mother, treat DH and the kids with respect/love/kindness and am financially prudent. I don't meet their expectations of what a wife in their family should be and do.