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[quote=Anonymous]OP, I'd consider that your DH is as mentally ill as sibs but presents differently. So I would not give him 100% veto power. His sibs could all be manifesting damage from abuse but I suspect there may also be other mood issues in play.

Right now neither of you is emotionally regulated and it has not been taught to the kids. He rages, you withdraw. Both are frightening to kids.

I'd try teaching the kids some CBT and DBT techniques to help them regulate. Going off alone to cope with big feelings doesn't work for everyone. Some need to feel secure attachment and co-regulate, like you would help an infant soothe by picking up, cuddling, etc.  Right now, because of your own PTSD you can't do that. I would look into EMDR and see if it is helpful, it can be beneficial very quickly. I'd think of it as their emotional IQ being years behind because they have not been taught or had it modeled. Think about how you would teach a preschooler. Think what worked for them as babies and see if you can build out from there in self regulation skills.

My volatile kid really dysregulated me until I worked on childhood trauma. I made sure to consciously do a lot of putting positive deposits in the bank doing things that were unlikely to lead to outbursts, cuddling on the couch reading aloud, going for walks, talking about the day sitting on their bed at bedtime, etc. so there was something to balance conflict and what felt like me pulling away, shutting down, dissociating.

Lots of naming feelings, talking about ways to handle them, talking about characters in books and movies and how they handled feelings, talking about the perspectives of friends, etc.

DH's family has a history of bipolar and mood disorders. Trying to work on self regulation as much as I can with all the kids not knowing what the future may hold.

My kids also like going to a family mediation practice and doing kid yoga videos. Besides those physical techniques, my therapist explained that if I could provide a safe container for their big or intense feelings, not detach or amplify them, they could start to manage them over time. It took work on myself to get to that point.

I can't control DH who tends to rage but have gotten to where I can be present, connected and not triggered a lot of the time and that has seemed to help the kids.

I also minimize screens, sugar and try to keep everyone active with an earlyish bedtime, helps keep the dial of intensity more manageable.

It is really hard, hang in there!

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