Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sadly, it’s too late for you but when I was dating my DH I really got to know his large family. His parents were very loving and happy, his siblings were all smart and heading in good directions. It really helped that I was quickly embraced by the family and that really helped me know that he was the one. Looking at the broader gene pool can be very helpful.

I had the same impression of DH's family when I met them also. All very smart, successful, nice, down to earth. DH had only very vaguely mentioned that one of his siblings went through a tough time in high school years, but never divulged the full story. I didn't start seeing the layers come off until we got engaged. Then, I got to see MIL's issues, front and center who tried to get me really enmeshed with her. And then the wheels really started coming off right around the time DH and I were expecting our first child. His one sibling filed for divorce, had an emotional breakdown, attempted suicide, and then was admitted into an inpatient unit, and I was asked to attend family counseling with them when everything started being revealed. Shortly after, the other sibling almost died while drinking, was sent to rehab, and then a few years after, attempted suicide.

To add more context - we still have good relations with everyone in DH's family and see them. One of the siblings was estranged for a while from the rest of the family, except us. And now is only estranged from the other sibling. Otherwise, we all still see each other during the holidays, and have good relationships. DH's 2 siblings are in a good place right now. Just a rough road to get there.

Get out rocky asap

Anonymous wrote:Sadly, it’s too late for you but when I was dating my DH I really got to know his large family. His parents were very loving and happy, his siblings were all smart and heading in good directions. It really helped that I was quickly embraced by the family and that really helped me know that he was the one. Looking at the broader gene pool can be very helpful.

I had the same impression of DH's family when I met them also. All very smart, successful, nice, down to earth. DH had only very vaguely mentioned that one of his siblings went through a tough time in high school years, but never divulged the full story. I didn't start seeing the layers come off until we got engaged. Then, I got to see MIL's issues, front and center who tried to get me really enmeshed with her. And then the wheels really started coming off right around the time DH and I were expecting our first child. His one sibling filed for divorce, had an emotional breakdown, attempted suicide, and then was admitted into an inpatient unit, and I was asked to attend family counseling with them when everything started being revealed. Shortly after, the other sibling almost died while drinking, was sent to rehab, and then a few years after, attempted suicide.

Sadly, it’s too late for you but when I was dating my DH I really got to know his large family. His parents were very loving and happy, his siblings were all smart and heading in good directions. It really helped that I was quickly embraced by the family and that really helped me know that he was the one. Looking at the broader gene pool can be very helpful.

OP, I'd consider that your DH is as mentally ill as sibs but presents differently. So I would not give him 100% veto power. His sibs could all be manifesting damage from abuse but I suspect there may also be other mood issues in play.

Right now neither of you is emotionally regulated and it has not been taught to the kids. He rages, you withdraw. Both are frightening to kids.

I'd try teaching the kids some CBT and DBT techniques to help them regulate. Going off alone to cope with big feelings doesn't work for everyone. Some need to feel secure attachment and co-regulate, like you would help an infant soothe by picking up, cuddling, etc. Right now, because of your own PTSD you can't do that. I would look into EMDR and see if it is helpful, it can be beneficial very quickly. I'd think of it as their emotional IQ being years behind because they have not been taught or had it modeled. Think about how you would teach a preschooler. Think what worked for them as babies and see if you can build out from there in self regulation skills.

My volatile kid really dysregulated me until I worked on childhood trauma. I made sure to consciously do a lot of putting positive deposits in the bank doing things that were unlikely to lead to outbursts, cuddling on the couch reading aloud, going for walks, talking about the day sitting on their bed at bedtime, etc. so there was something to balance conflict and what felt like me pulling away, shutting down, dissociating.

Lots of naming feelings, talking about ways to handle them, talking about characters in books and movies and how they handled feelings, talking about the perspectives of friends, etc.

DH's family has a history of bipolar and mood disorders. Trying to work on self regulation as much as I can with all the kids not knowing what the future may hold.

My kids also like going to a family mediation practice and doing kid yoga videos. Besides those physical techniques, my therapist explained that if I could provide a safe container for their big or intense feelings, not detach or amplify them, they could start to manage them over time. It took work on myself to get to that point.

I can't control DH who tends to rage but have gotten to where I can be present, connected and not triggered a lot of the time and that has seemed to help the kids.

I also minimize screens, sugar and try to keep everyone active with an earlyish bedtime, helps keep the dial of intensity more manageable.

It is really hard, hang in there!

Get your children on the right combination of meds asap!

Yes: autism and ADHD.

And no: giftedness.

So... jury is still out on how our teens will do later in life. We've expended a TON of effort in getting them supported and educated.

Go to parenting classes. He doesn't need to come. And also stop having kids.

Anonymous wrote:Try parent training classes.

Which ones?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sending you hugs OP. I could have written a similar post. Which county do you live in? Some counties have better family support than others. Places to reach out to re: behavior you see at home include your pediatrician and school social worker. Finding the right specialists can be so hard without a specific diagnosis, but there is a whole world of people who help kids. Its a hard a lonely road (I'm on it myself), but know you are NOT alone.

Again, my husband is vehemently against putting anything in their medical records or talking about this with their pediatrician. I don’t think it’s a barrier I can overcome to get professional help for them.

Unless he’s stepping up to take care of them, he doesn’t get to veto your plan. So do what you need to do!

He does take care of them. He's closer to them than I am to my own kids - in some way. I know more of what's going on in their lives, and take care of all their basic needs, meals, socialization, and spend more time with them, etc, but they still feel closer to him than they do to me because they are more similar in personality, and while the overall quantity of time is less, the quality is higher because of similar interests, and my husband also brings the fun.

Try parent training classes.

Anonymous wrote:So many red flags. You are in an abusive relationship and are now contributing to abuse of your children by not providing the environment they need. Start by getting help for yourself but ultimately your whole family will need therapy. That might feel to big to bite off now so just start with it for yourself.

I'm in therapy.

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to work on your mindset, OP. Your post is a little icky when talking about your own kids.

But also, the truth is parenting is a grind no matter who you make babies with.

And you can’t account for all contingencies. Stuff happens in life. I have a child with a severe disability that is due to a de novo (random) genetic mutation that didn’t come from me or DH.

I don't think my concerns are unreasonable. The thing is, with my one child, both my mom, and my husband's sibling, has said how similar they are to said sibling. I see it too, both in terms of appearance, personality, quirks, habits, interests, social difficulties, cynicism and oppositional behaviors. I don't think our child will follow the same path, but that sibling had the most struggles out of everyone. Multiple suicide attempts and hospitalizations, ran away from home at age 14 and lived with other people for many years, was in an in-patient program at least 4x, divorced.

Our other child has addictive tendencies and personality traits (sensitivity, competitiveness, obsessive anxiety) similar to my husband's other sibling, who suffered from addiction for most their adult lives, and also had multiple suicide attempts and divorced.

Our other child is similar in appearance and personality to my FIL, who is perfectionistic, high-strung, always angry, stubborn, very demanding, and while a bit shy and socially awkward, is popular.

All that said, I guess both my MIL and FIL are relatively stable in that they have stayed married, have not fallen to addiction, or ever actually attempted suicide. But I still worry, given the family history.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sending you hugs OP. I could have written a similar post. Which county do you live in? Some counties have better family support than others. Places to reach out to re: behavior you see at home include your pediatrician and school social worker. Finding the right specialists can be so hard without a specific diagnosis, but there is a whole world of people who help kids. Its a hard a lonely road (I'm on it myself), but know you are NOT alone.

Again, my husband is vehemently against putting anything in their medical records or talking about this with their pediatrician. I don’t think it’s a barrier I can overcome to get professional help for them.

Unless he’s stepping up to take care of them, he doesn’t get to veto your plan. So do what you need to do!

So many red flags. You are in an abusive relationship and are now contributing to abuse of your children by not providing the environment they need. Start by getting help for yourself but ultimately your whole family will need therapy. That might feel to big to bite off now so just start with it for yourself.