Reply to Just need to vent - discovery of affair

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP again. I’ve decided I’m under control enough to post a little more information. Just because I used to be the curious reader, it only seems fair to give more information when I’m on the other side.

We each have fair share blame in the situation we’ve made. It’s not been great, it’s not been terrible. A lot of it is just a phase of life thing. We’re really busy, kids are busy, we’re not getting tons of quality time together, etc. I always thought that after all this time with someone that I kind of used to think of as a best friend, this is the path he’s chosen to take. It just seems so gutless. Why not just say, this isn’t working for me, we should move on…

If you’d asked me a week ago, what I wanted to happen with our marriage, I probably would have been had a coin toss with divorce versus try (again? Harder) to work on things.  The 50% that didn’t think we were going to make it was still hanging onto the idea that maybe we could stay friends. The way in which we have not been getting along, are all around the emotion of the marriage, but we get along fine on a superficial basis. There’s not a lot of fighting, we usually agree on how to parent, how to support our kids, etc.  I was imagining us being the kind of exes who just grew apart with, but still have Thanksgiving together with the kids. But that all changed in one moment. And I’m pretty angry about it.

I have not been deliriously happy, but I’m not out banging someone else. And if that’s what I wanted to do (and maybe I kind of do?) I would with the relationship at hand first, because that is the mature, adult, kind thing to do.

Right now I’m just kind of feeling the loss of maybe the person I thought he was?  I’m going to do my best to keep this all as neat and clean as possible for the kids sake but I do feel like he has made it so much harder. And he knows me, and he knows this is a huge trigger for me, so apparently this woman was worth that to him. [/quote]

It sounds like you already have so much distance from the marriage, which may just be the stage of grief you are experiencing with this.  It also sounds like you are not upset so much about the betrayal as the nature of the betrayal, which is totally valid but seems unusual.  Almost like in your mind only a**holes cheat and your husband cheated so now you're married to an a**hole and you're peeved about that because you did the nona**hole thing and didn't cheat even though you knew the marriage was crappy.  Totally valid but it doesn't sound like the marriage was going well.[/quote]

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