Anonymous
11/27/2023 21:28
Subject: Just need to vent - discovery of affair
Anonymous wrote:OP again. I’ve decided I’m under control enough to post a little more information. Just because I used to be the curious reader, it only seems fair to give more information when I’m on the other side.
We each have fair share blame in the situation we’ve made. It’s not been great, it’s not been terrible. A lot of it is just a phase of life thing. We’re really busy, kids are busy, we’re not getting tons of quality time together, etc. I always thought that after all this time with someone that I kind of used to think of as a best friend, this is the path he’s chosen to take. It just seems so gutless. Why not just say, this isn’t working for me, we should move on…
If you’d asked me a week ago, what I wanted to happen with our marriage, I probably would have been had a coin toss with divorce versus try (again? Harder) to work on things. The 50% that didn’t think we were going to make it was still hanging onto the idea that maybe we could stay friends. The way in which we have not been getting along, are all around the emotion of the marriage, but we get along fine on a superficial basis. There’s not a lot of fighting, we usually agree on how to parent, how to support our kids, etc. I was imagining us being the kind of exes who just grew apart with, but still have Thanksgiving together with the kids. But that all changed in one moment. And I’m pretty angry about it.
I have not been deliriously happy, but I’m not out banging someone else. And if that’s what I wanted to do (and maybe I kind of do?) I would with the relationship at hand first, because that is the mature, adult, kind thing to do.
Right now I’m just kind of feeling the loss of maybe the person I thought he was? I’m going to do my best to keep this all as neat and clean as possible for the kids sake but I do feel like he has made it so much harder. And he knows me, and he knows this is a huge trigger for me, so apparently this woman was worth that to him.
It sounds like you already have so much distance from the marriage, which may just be the stage of grief you are experiencing with this. It also sounds like you are not upset so much about the betrayal as the nature of the betrayal, which is totally valid but seems unusual. Almost like in your mind only a**holes cheat and your husband cheated so now you're married to an a**hole and you're peeved about that because you did the nona**hole thing and didn't cheat even though you knew the marriage was crappy. Totally valid but it doesn't sound like the marriage was going well.
Anonymous
11/27/2023 21:09
Subject: Re:Just need to vent - discovery of affair
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:In Europe married women with children just accept that their husband will has a side girlfriend to take care of his needs.
Yeah OP sounds incredibly naive and short sighted. I mean she said their marriage has been rocky and distant for a while … and since YOU aren’t having sex with him, what other explanation could there be? What makes his (completely obvious!) affair suddenly divorce worthy, when otherwise you’ve been just fine staying in a rocky distant sexless marriage?
Ignore these bozos.
The bozo kind of has a point, though. Posters frequently describe how surprised they are at an affair despite their marriage being distant, troubled, sexless, or some combination for months or years at a time. And I get it, you feel your vows should preclude this behavior, but people are also human and the attention and affection of another human being in the midst of a miserable marriage just makes you feel alive again.
Oh stop. Many who have posted prior were having regular sex with their spouses. We had a very active sex life. Lots of wives are pregnant too and it wasn’t immaculate conception.
I know that- but that’s not OP. She describes her marriage as rocky for awhile. That’s not an excuse for her husband, that’s just the unfortunate reality that a lot of people feel entitled to step outside the marriage when things aren’t working for a long period of time.
DP, but what makes you think rocky translates to sexless? It’s possible, sure, but not certain. Emotional distance isn’t the same thing.
I don't think people necessarily have affairs because their marriages are sexless. But if the marriage is bad on some level, it's more likely.
Anonymous
11/27/2023 20:50
Subject: Just need to vent - discovery of affair
OP again. I’ve decided I’m under control enough to post a little more information. Just because I used to be the curious reader, it only seems fair to give more information when I’m on the other side.
We each have fair share blame in the situation we’ve made. It’s not been great, it’s not been terrible. A lot of it is just a phase of life thing. We’re really busy, kids are busy, we’re not getting tons of quality time together, etc. I always thought that after all this time with someone that I kind of used to think of as a best friend, this is the path he’s chosen to take. It just seems so gutless. Why not just say, this isn’t working for me, we should move on…
If you’d asked me a week ago, what I wanted to happen with our marriage, I probably would have been had a coin toss with divorce versus try (again? Harder) to work on things. The 50% that didn’t think we were going to make it was still hanging onto the idea that maybe we could stay friends. The way in which we have not been getting along, are all around the emotion of the marriage, but we get along fine on a superficial basis. There’s not a lot of fighting, we usually agree on how to parent, how to support our kids, etc. I was imagining us being the kind of exes who just grew apart with, but still have Thanksgiving together with the kids. But that all changed in one moment. And I’m pretty angry about it.
I have not been deliriously happy, but I’m not out banging someone else. And if that’s what I wanted to do (and maybe I kind of do?) I would with the relationship at hand first, because that is the mature, adult, kind thing to do.
Right now I’m just kind of feeling the loss of maybe the person I thought he was? I’m going to do my best to keep this all as neat and clean as possible for the kids sake but I do feel like he has made it so much harder. And he knows me, and he knows this is a huge trigger for me, so apparently this woman was worth that to him.
We each have fair share blame in the situation we’ve made. It’s not been great, it’s not been terrible. A lot of it is just a phase of life thing. We’re really busy, kids are busy, we’re not getting tons of quality time together, etc. I always thought that after all this time with someone that I kind of used to think of as a best friend, this is the path he’s chosen to take. It just seems so gutless. Why not just say, this isn’t working for me, we should move on…
If you’d asked me a week ago, what I wanted to happen with our marriage, I probably would have been had a coin toss with divorce versus try (again? Harder) to work on things. The 50% that didn’t think we were going to make it was still hanging onto the idea that maybe we could stay friends. The way in which we have not been getting along, are all around the emotion of the marriage, but we get along fine on a superficial basis. There’s not a lot of fighting, we usually agree on how to parent, how to support our kids, etc. I was imagining us being the kind of exes who just grew apart with, but still have Thanksgiving together with the kids. But that all changed in one moment. And I’m pretty angry about it.
I have not been deliriously happy, but I’m not out banging someone else. And if that’s what I wanted to do (and maybe I kind of do?) I would with the relationship at hand first, because that is the mature, adult, kind thing to do.
Right now I’m just kind of feeling the loss of maybe the person I thought he was? I’m going to do my best to keep this all as neat and clean as possible for the kids sake but I do feel like he has made it so much harder. And he knows me, and he knows this is a huge trigger for me, so apparently this woman was worth that to him.
Anonymous
11/27/2023 20:49
Subject: Re:Just need to vent - discovery of affair
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:In Europe married women with children just accept that their husband will has a side girlfriend to take care of his needs.
Yeah OP sounds incredibly naive and short sighted. I mean she said their marriage has been rocky and distant for a while … and since YOU aren’t having sex with him, what other explanation could there be? What makes his (completely obvious!) affair suddenly divorce worthy, when otherwise you’ve been just fine staying in a rocky distant sexless marriage?
Ignore these bozos.
The bozo kind of has a point, though. Posters frequently describe how surprised they are at an affair despite their marriage being distant, troubled, sexless, or some combination for months or years at a time. And I get it, you feel your vows should preclude this behavior, but people are also human and the attention and affection of another human being in the midst of a miserable marriage just makes you feel alive again.
Oh stop. Many who have posted prior were having regular sex with their spouses. We had a very active sex life. Lots of wives are pregnant too and it wasn’t immaculate conception.
I know that- but that’s not OP. She describes her marriage as rocky for awhile. That’s not an excuse for her husband, that’s just the unfortunate reality that a lot of people feel entitled to step outside the marriage when things aren’t working for a long period of time.
DP, but what makes you think rocky translates to sexless? It’s possible, sure, but not certain. Emotional distance isn’t the same thing.
Anonymous
11/27/2023 20:49
Subject: Just need to vent - discovery of affair
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:“Daddy loves other women.” Even young kids will understand: It’s not your fault, it’s his, and his behavior is marriage-ending.
That’s a lot more civilized than what I would have said.
You’re not supposed to say that are you? I mean involve the kids.
Anonymous
11/27/2023 20:32
Subject: Re:Just need to vent - discovery of affair
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:In Europe married women with children just accept that their husband will has a side girlfriend to take care of his needs.
Yeah OP sounds incredibly naive and short sighted. I mean she said their marriage has been rocky and distant for a while … and since YOU aren’t having sex with him, what other explanation could there be? What makes his (completely obvious!) affair suddenly divorce worthy, when otherwise you’ve been just fine staying in a rocky distant sexless marriage?
Ignore these bozos.
The bozo kind of has a point, though. Posters frequently describe how surprised they are at an affair despite their marriage being distant, troubled, sexless, or some combination for months or years at a time. And I get it, you feel your vows should preclude this behavior, but people are also human and the attention and affection of another human being in the midst of a miserable marriage just makes you feel alive again.
Oh stop. Many who have posted prior were having regular sex with their spouses. We had a very active sex life. Lots of wives are pregnant too and it wasn’t immaculate conception.
I know that- but that’s not OP. She describes her marriage as rocky for awhile. That’s not an excuse for her husband, that’s just the unfortunate reality that a lot of people feel entitled to step outside the marriage when things aren’t working for a long period of time.
Anonymous
11/27/2023 20:25
Subject: Just need to vent - discovery of affair
Anonymous wrote:Oh man, what is it about November? I discovered my ex's affair in late Nov 2019. He was also traveling for "work." I booked a lawyer consultation immediately and started getting my ducks in a row. I may have had a mental breakdown... a brief psychosis. I was unhinged. It makes me laugh even now. I did not immediately take the high road - zero regrets. It's gonna be effing terrible, painful, dark for a while. You will make it through. Lean on your female friends. If you just need a friend, I'd take you out for dinner. You can do this. You'll make it through.
+100 to all those feelings—and brief psychosis. Try finding out 1 week after Covid lockdown. I can laugh about it now—and I also don’t regret any of it.
Sorry, OP. You did not deserve any of this. It will be a roller coaster for some time.
Anonymous
11/27/2023 20:25
Subject: Just need to vent - discovery of affair
Anonymous wrote:Wow - winner for most positive DCUM thread in ages! Thank you all - this is all really welcome advice and support.
I spent all day yesterday trying to ensure i have the info i will need (there’s more I’m sure) and saving phone bills etc.
Next up (I’ll be starting a new post in a minute) is advice on what the heck to even ask in a consultation to make good use of my hour!
I’m so sorry OP you did not deserve this.
I know the phone records seem important, but unless you live in Virginia and can prove adultery it is unlikely to be much help. You really want all the financial account records. Because STBX is traveling you have the chance to scan them. Ensure that if he tries to hide assets you have the evidence.
Anonymous
11/27/2023 20:22
Subject: Re:Just need to vent - discovery of affair
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:In Europe married women with children just accept that their husband will has a side girlfriend to take care of his needs.
Yeah OP sounds incredibly naive and short sighted. I mean she said their marriage has been rocky and distant for a while … and since YOU aren’t having sex with him, what other explanation could there be? What makes his (completely obvious!) affair suddenly divorce worthy, when otherwise you’ve been just fine staying in a rocky distant sexless marriage?
Ignore these bozos.
The bozo kind of has a point, though. Posters frequently describe how surprised they are at an affair despite their marriage being distant, troubled, sexless, or some combination for months or years at a time. And I get it, you feel your vows should preclude this behavior, but people are also human and the attention and affection of another human being in the midst of a miserable marriage just makes you feel alive again.
Oh stop. Many who have posted prior were having regular sex with their spouses. We had a very active sex life. Lots of wives are pregnant too and it wasn’t immaculate conception.
Anonymous
11/27/2023 20:13
Subject: Re:Just need to vent - discovery of affair
Another person who didn’t tell my kids about their dad’s infidelity. Truthfully they were more concerned about themselves (where they were going to live, etc). They figured things out for themselves later on.
Hang in there, OP. These early days are tough. I also found a lot of information at chumplady.com
Hang in there, OP. These early days are tough. I also found a lot of information at chumplady.com
Anonymous
11/27/2023 19:16
Subject: Just need to vent - discovery of affair
Oh man, what is it about November? I discovered my ex's affair in late Nov 2019. He was also traveling for "work." I booked a lawyer consultation immediately and started getting my ducks in a row. I may have had a mental breakdown... a brief psychosis. I was unhinged. It makes me laugh even now. I did not immediately take the high road - zero regrets. It's gonna be effing terrible, painful, dark for a while. You will make it through. Lean on your female friends. If you just need a friend, I'd take you out for dinner. You can do this. You'll make it through.
Anonymous
11/27/2023 19:03
Subject: Re:Just need to vent - discovery of affair
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:In Europe married women with children just accept that their husband will has a side girlfriend to take care of his needs.
Yeah OP sounds incredibly naive and short sighted. I mean she said their marriage has been rocky and distant for a while … and since YOU aren’t having sex with him, what other explanation could there be? What makes his (completely obvious!) affair suddenly divorce worthy, when otherwise you’ve been just fine staying in a rocky distant sexless marriage?
Ignore these bozos.
The bozo kind of has a point, though. Posters frequently describe how surprised they are at an affair despite their marriage being distant, troubled, sexless, or some combination for months or years at a time. And I get it, you feel your vows should preclude this behavior, but people are also human and the attention and affection of another human being in the midst of a miserable marriage just makes you feel alive again.
Anonymous
11/27/2023 19:00
Subject: Just need to vent - discovery of affair
Anonymous wrote:Get tested for STDs stat!
Yes - done and thank you! This is a good reminder for anyone in this situation!
Anonymous
11/27/2023 17:50
Subject: Re:Just need to vent - discovery of affair
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:In Europe married women with children just accept that their husband will has a side girlfriend to take care of his needs.
Yeah OP sounds incredibly naive and short sighted. I mean she said their marriage has been rocky and distant for a while … and since YOU aren’t having sex with him, what other explanation could there be? What makes his (completely obvious!) affair suddenly divorce worthy, when otherwise you’ve been just fine staying in a rocky distant sexless marriage?
Ignore these bozos.
Anonymous
11/27/2023 17:22
Subject: Re:Just need to vent - discovery of affair
Anonymous wrote:In Europe married women with children just accept that their husband will has a side girlfriend to take care of his needs.
Yeah OP sounds incredibly naive and short sighted. I mean she said their marriage has been rocky and distant for a while … and since YOU aren’t having sex with him, what other explanation could there be? What makes his (completely obvious!) affair suddenly divorce worthy, when otherwise you’ve been just fine staying in a rocky distant sexless marriage?