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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]When I read these kinds of threads, I always wonder about the time when you first started dating. Were these guys living in their parent’s basement or on their own? If on their own, was their apartment relatively clean and were their bills paid? Once married, did you make their life too easy and now they are in lazy mode? How did your situation start?[/quote]

I’m confused by your confusion.  They mask.  All crappy partners “mask.”  Alcoholics, addicts, rage-aholics, sex addicts, and perennial losers.  They keep it together for as long as they need to and once they feel comfortable, the real them comes out.[/quote]
No one can “mask” being a loser. That would require high sociopathic intelligence and willful deception. If he’s a failure to launch bum, he is almost certainly not that smart or sophisticated.

The whole thing about failure to launch is it is immediately visible, ie. still living in mom’s basement, holding down menial jobs etc. (NOT being a GS 14, wth?)[/quote]

Simplistic POV. 
They don’t look like losers, that’s the point. This happens because their situation appears temporary — and it takes a long time in *any relationship* to see what is situational/circumstantial and what is a PATTERN.

My friend married a failure to launch. He went to Davidson. He works for his mom. He likes to spend the summer in Europe. The apartment was clean, the bills paid. All sounds fine, right?

And it is! … and it took her 5 years to realize while genuinely bright, he was totally propped up by family money and connections. Mom is actually the one who owned the apartment - which also can be explained and isnt a red flag until more context is added. He can’t hold down a job other than “working” for his mom. And he wouldn’t even want one - real jobs don’t let you take half the year off. He likes to spend the summers in Europe to just hang - and who wouldn’t - but not actually because it’s a break from his otherwise ambitious, intense life.

My friend became his mom of sorts: Told him when to buy a house, told him when to have kids, told him in his 40s that his financial habits were resulting in credit card debt, looks for jobs for him. Asked *me* to help find him a job. Again, a bright guy. And genuinely nice. But lacks the skills of a true independent adult. He’s now 50 and talking about becoming a history teacher - with no background in either area. Started a master’s degree, stopped. And this would be OK … if, again, it wasn’t for the pattern that took years to see. He suggests an unrelated random “new” career every few years and doesn’t do the work of achieving any of them.

But if you married a guy like this only two years in to dating - you can’t necessarily see how deep the issue is yet and that it will never change. [/quote]

But sounds like he can learn.

The mental disorder Failures to Launch it’s just in one ear out the other. [/quote]

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