Reply to How do I minimize how often I end up harping on my kid?

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[quote=Anonymous]Here are my suggestions for avoiding harping on your kid.

1. Invite your husband or kid to spend a day/week harping on you. Ask them to respond to everything you do with a little suggestion for improvement or a criticism. See how the relentless accumulation of little remarks and comments makes you feel about yourself, about them.

2. Every time you find yourself compelled to harp on your kid or say some thing that is a criticism or suggestions or an order, Substitute a positive comment about some thing you really like about your child or some thing you notice them doing well. It has to be a sincere appreciation, not some criticism disguised as a complement. Instead of “pick up your socks” say “Have I mentioned that I love you today” etc.

3. Every time you are compelled to criticize your child or harp on some thing they are doing, switch the focus to yourself and ask yourself what little thing you could do to improve yourself at that moment. For example, perhaps you were drinking too much caffeine. Perhaps you should do some task you have been putting off. Perhaps you should go for a walk instead of sitting and reading a magazine and not getting exercise. Whatever. I find that adults often focus on improving their children, when really it’s their *own* lives that need some work. What’s more, this way you lead through example, which is much more convincing than mere words. If you were not thinking about all the ways your kid could act better, what would you be thinking about?

4. Substitute silliness. If you find yourself compelled to make some little remark or criticism, instead do something ridiculous. Grab your kid and ask them to dance with you to Safety Dance. Make up an opera about your child and start singing it. They will think you are ridiculous but you will be discharging your urge to say/do something related to them without harping on them.

5. Focus on what you want in the long term, which is presumably a close supportive relationship with your child. There are many ways your child can learn to properly use a fork. It is very likely that if you refrain from making a comment, your child will nonetheless be influenced by society and reform their slovenly childish ways over time and observe how other people use forks, etc. Many times we make comments out of anxiety and/or fear and/or desire to control. Take responsibility for managing your own anxiety. Your kid is basically fine. Shut your mouth.

6. If you say less, your child will listen more. By providing a steady stream of minor comments about things that don’t really matter, you are teaching your child to stop listening to you. They have to stop, for their own preservation, because who can go through life with someone harping on them all the time? Choose your words carefully and only speak about things you really care about. Most of what you say should be serving the purpose of fostering a loving connection.[/quote]

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