Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like every 13 year old boy I know.

Not mine.

He's learned that there are basic rules to be followed in the house, and they are for the benefit of the whole family. His bed gets made every morning. His laundry gets put always. And he sits & eats dinner with us as a family.

When he was younger, it was more difficult, but that is when we imposed the consequences for things like bed not made, or laundry put on the floor.

Stop enabling these young men to be disrespectful. Dinner is the time to eat a proper meal. Not the time to ignore the food in front of you and then go raid the pantry.

Someone give this lady a gold medal for being the perfect momager

Whar are the consequences of bed not made? I dont make mine every day. Id love for the kids to do it but there are other hills. We have few snacks and kids are little. But even DH wont have enough dinner for whatever reason some days (late lunch, bot his fave meal) and then eat a peanutbhtter sandwich at 9 pm. Drives me nuts and upsets me that we have leftovers because not enough dinner was consumed. But i cant nag a grown man about it.

It is just so neurotic. The consequence of a bed not made? What even is that? I dunno its a messy bed? Why does there need to be a consequesnce? A consequence of not doing laundry? I dunno, having dirty clothes?

I'm definitly not going to be micromanaging food. I try to cook food that everyone likes, if they don't like it sure just make a sandwich. Not my problem. However I normally make good dinner that does not send someone running to the pantry.

The consequences were things like: no football practice that day. Or no wrestling practice.

Or when they were smaller, no nintendo. or no screens for 24 hours.

Make the bed, because I, as the parent, have instructed you to make the bed every day.

You guys may think I'm neurotic, but I'm not. My kids RARELY have a consequence anymore, bc I did not do everything for them when they were younger and they now understand that when I ask them to do something, it will behoove them to do.

And I'm sure someone will chime in with what a horrible environment my house must be. But its not. It's full of love and kindness and mutual respect. Bc the kids pull their weight and they understand roles in the family.

Assert yourself as the parent. It is what a child (an yes, 13/14/15 are children) need

I parent nothing like that and my kids also don't need consequences from me. Their consequences are a natural result of their own 'mistakes'.

And OP said the kids eat snacks after dinner, not that they refuse to eat dinner. And if they do, big whoop. I don't parent my teens like I did when they were 8.

Op said they barely eat dinner and then go immediately for snacks right after dinner. That shouldn't fly.

I agree that they should be helping to cook. That's a pretty good natural consequence.

Helping cook is not a natural consequence. Helping cook is part of being in the family. Cooking is not a punishment.

Are you the neurotic one? Or just another kook on here?

Right, cooking is not a punishment. Consequences are not necessarily punishments. Even though some people use those terms interchangeably, they're not the same.

In this case or could be both a natural consequence and an important contribution to the household to build up the child's self esteem (which may be a little trodden if they're frequently being nagged and corrected.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

3. Every time you are compelled to criticize your child or harp on some thing they are doing, switch the focus to yourself and ask yourself what little thing you could do to improve yourself at that moment. For example, perhaps you were drinking too much caffeine. Perhaps you should do some task you have been putting off. Perhaps you should go for a walk instead of sitting and reading a magazine and not getting exercise. Whatever. I find that adults often focus on improving their children, when really it’s their *own* lives that need some work. What’s more, this way you lead through example, which is much more convincing than mere words. If you were not thinking about all the ways your kid could act better, what would you be thinking about?

What? I mean, I am not a perfect person, but I turn in work (for my job) when it is due, and don't leave a giant pile of my dirty underwear and clothes for other family members to pick up. I'm not asking for perfection, just to have school work completed and turned in, and not to impose on other members of the household by leaving the place a mess.

So maybe you should reflect on how to teach your kid to do those things without criticizing or harping on them. If your boss wanted you to do something differently, what would be most effective? Criticizing and harping on you until you do it, or approaching you in a different way?

Well, everyone gets the benefit of the doubt.

For example, your boss will ask you to do something.

If you don't do it:

- they should ask why
- they should ask if you don't understand
- they should repeat the instructions
- they should demonstrate how the task is completed (or ask someone else to demonstrate it)

BBBBUUUUTTT, if after all that, you still don't complete the task, it's perfectly normal for the boss to begin punitive measures, such as performance plans, formal feedback documented with HR, and ultimately, termination.

I'm quite sure OP didn't just immediately jump to harping. I'm sure she started with the benefit of the doubt, with gentle reminding, etc. But if that doesnt work, punitive measures are to be expected

Anonymous wrote:

3. Every time you are compelled to criticize your child or harp on some thing they are doing, switch the focus to yourself and ask yourself what little thing you could do to improve yourself at that moment. For example, perhaps you were drinking too much caffeine. Perhaps you should do some task you have been putting off. Perhaps you should go for a walk instead of sitting and reading a magazine and not getting exercise. Whatever. I find that adults often focus on improving their children, when really it’s their *own* lives that need some work. What’s more, this way you lead through example, which is much more convincing than mere words. If you were not thinking about all the ways your kid could act better, what would you be thinking about?

What? I mean, I am not a perfect person, but I turn in work (for my job) when it is due, and don't leave a giant pile of my dirty underwear and clothes for other family members to pick up. I'm not asking for perfection, just to have school work completed and turned in, and not to impose on other members of the household by leaving the place a mess.

So maybe you should reflect on how to teach your kid to do those things without criticizing or harping on them. If your boss wanted you to do something differently, what would be most effective? Criticizing and harping on you until you do it, or approaching you in a different way?

Anonymous wrote:

6. If you say less, your child will listen more. By providing a steady stream of minor comments about things that don’t really matter, you are teaching your child to stop listening to you. They have to stop, for their own preservation, because who can go through life with someone harping on them all the time? Choose your words carefully and only speak about things you really care about. Most of what you say should be serving the purpose of fostering a loving connection.

This I agree with.

You say to your 13 year old child (yes, a child) "There is no other food unless you eat dinner we have prepared"

12 words. That's all you need.

If he disobeys, no additional words are needed. The immediate (and natural!) consequence is that pantry snacks are no longer purchased.

Easy peasy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like every 13 year old boy I know.

Not mine.

He's learned that there are basic rules to be followed in the house, and they are for the benefit of the whole family. His bed gets made every morning. His laundry gets put always. And he sits & eats dinner with us as a family.

When he was younger, it was more difficult, but that is when we imposed the consequences for things like bed not made, or laundry put on the floor.

Stop enabling these young men to be disrespectful. Dinner is the time to eat a proper meal. Not the time to ignore the food in front of you and then go raid the pantry.

Someone give this lady a gold medal for being the perfect momager

Whar are the consequences of bed not made? I dont make mine every day. Id love for the kids to do it but there are other hills. We have few snacks and kids are little. But even DH wont have enough dinner for whatever reason some days (late lunch, bot his fave meal) and then eat a peanutbhtter sandwich at 9 pm. Drives me nuts and upsets me that we have leftovers because not enough dinner was consumed. But i cant nag a grown man about it.

It is just so neurotic. The consequence of a bed not made? What even is that? I dunno its a messy bed? Why does there need to be a consequesnce? A consequence of not doing laundry? I dunno, having dirty clothes?

I'm definitly not going to be micromanaging food. I try to cook food that everyone likes, if they don't like it sure just make a sandwich. Not my problem. However I normally make good dinner that does not send someone running to the pantry.

The consequences were things like: no football practice that day. Or no wrestling practice.

Or when they were smaller, no nintendo. or no screens for 24 hours.

Make the bed, because I, as the parent, have instructed you to make the bed every day.

You guys may think I'm neurotic, but I'm not. My kids RARELY have a consequence anymore, bc I did not do everything for them when they were younger and they now understand that when I ask them to do something, it will behoove them to do.

And I'm sure someone will chime in with what a horrible environment my house must be. But its not. It's full of love and kindness and mutual respect. Bc the kids pull their weight and they understand roles in the family.

Assert yourself as the parent. It is what a child (an yes, 13/14/15 are children) need

I parent nothing like that and my kids also don't need consequences from me. Their consequences are a natural result of their own 'mistakes'.

And OP said the kids eat snacks after dinner, not that they refuse to eat dinner. And if they do, big whoop. I don't parent my teens like I did when they were 8.

Ok. It clearly doesnt bother you. It WOULD bother me and it obviously bothers OP. So coming in telling OP to simply accept it isn't very helpful.

But heads up, when they only experience natural consequences, it's very limiting.

What would you do if DS forget to pick up a sibling from soccer practice? Natural consequence was that sibling had to stand alone in the cold for an extra. And that mom or dad had to go out of their way to get them

There is no natural consequence there for DS. They sat at home and ate their snacks. No natural consequences.

NP. But the people that talk about the "natural consequences" always make me SMH.

"Oh you drove home tipsy? But nobody dies, and no accidents? Welp, I guess there were no natural consequences..."

3. Every time you are compelled to criticize your child or harp on some thing they are doing, switch the focus to yourself and ask yourself what little thing you could do to improve yourself at that moment. For example, perhaps you were drinking too much caffeine. Perhaps you should do some task you have been putting off. Perhaps you should go for a walk instead of sitting and reading a magazine and not getting exercise. Whatever. I find that adults often focus on improving their children, when really it’s their *own* lives that need some work. What’s more, this way you lead through example, which is much more convincing than mere words. If you were not thinking about all the ways your kid could act better, what would you be thinking about?

What? I mean, I am not a perfect person, but I turn in work (for my job) when it is due, and don't leave a giant pile of my dirty underwear and clothes for other family members to pick up. I'm not asking for perfection, just to have school work completed and turned in, and not to impose on other members of the household by leaving the place a mess.

Here are my suggestions for avoiding harping on your kid.

1. Invite your husband or kid to spend a day/week harping on you. Ask them to respond to everything you do with a little suggestion for improvement or a criticism. See how the relentless accumulation of little remarks and comments makes you feel about yourself, about them.

2. Every time you find yourself compelled to harp on your kid or say some thing that is a criticism or suggestions or an order, Substitute a positive comment about some thing you really like about your child or some thing you notice them doing well. It has to be a sincere appreciation, not some criticism disguised as a complement. Instead of “pick up your socks” say “Have I mentioned that I love you today” etc.

3. Every time you are compelled to criticize your child or harp on some thing they are doing, switch the focus to yourself and ask yourself what little thing you could do to improve yourself at that moment. For example, perhaps you were drinking too much caffeine. Perhaps you should do some task you have been putting off. Perhaps you should go for a walk instead of sitting and reading a magazine and not getting exercise. Whatever. I find that adults often focus on improving their children, when really it’s their *own* lives that need some work. What’s more, this way you lead through example, which is much more convincing than mere words. If you were not thinking about all the ways your kid could act better, what would you be thinking about?

4. Substitute silliness. If you find yourself compelled to make some little remark or criticism, instead do something ridiculous. Grab your kid and ask them to dance with you to Safety Dance. Make up an opera about your child and start singing it. They will think you are ridiculous but you will be discharging your urge to say/do something related to them without harping on them.

5. Focus on what you want in the long term, which is presumably a close supportive relationship with your child. There are many ways your child can learn to properly use a fork. It is very likely that if you refrain from making a comment, your child will nonetheless be influenced by society and reform their slovenly childish ways over time and observe how other people use forks, etc. Many times we make comments out of anxiety and/or fear and/or desire to control. Take responsibility for managing your own anxiety. Your kid is basically fine. Shut your mouth.

6. If you say less, your child will listen more. By providing a steady stream of minor comments about things that don’t really matter, you are teaching your child to stop listening to you. They have to stop, for their own preservation, because who can go through life with someone harping on them all the time? Choose your words carefully and only speak about things you really care about. Most of what you say should be serving the purpose of fostering a loving connection.

If you run out of snacks for lunches, you can pack dinner leftovers for lunch. That is the natural consequence.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would stop buying snacks. That's the easiest method for you right now. No chips, no ice cream, no candy, whatever it is you don't want him to eat, stop buying it.

Also, have him help cook dinner for the family. 1) he'll have a say in what the meal is and be invested and 2) he'll understand how much goes into preparing food for the family and appreciate you more

This.

This is how as a different PP noted, you ACTUALLY help get him ready for college in 4 years.

It's not to throw your hands up in defeat. It's to teach him the work it takes to prepare a meal, and to shoulder some responsibility (like "I have to get your sister from practice. you are in charge of boiling the water and cooking pasta tonight") for feeding the gamily

My 13-year-old helps plan one meal a week, which we cook partially or completely together. It needs to fill the same basic requirements I keep in mind when preparing family meals: plenty of non-starch veg, maybe a small bit of fruit, some protein, and some starch/whole grain. Has to include a protein option for everyone, as we have one vegetarian.