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[quote=Anonymous]I agree that the mean kids don't always come from the mean parents. I think it's because "meanness" is a lot more situational than people are willing to admit. Especially when it comes to the kinds of relational aggression people are talking about when they talk about "mean girl" behavior (which is not limited to girls but is more common in girls than boys) -- gossip, exclusion, teasing, isolation, etc.

The truth is that these are group behaviors that emerge from hierarchical relationships. We want to believe it's just one bad apple that creates these dynamics, but it's not -- it's a toxic culture with many components and people who are otherwise "good" can be "mean" within that context.

So yes, you can have a good kid who seems to have a good head on their shoulders and be kind and thoughtful within the family, but who engages in bullying, aggressive behaviors at school or in a group activity, because at home they feel loved and accepted, and at school they may feel threatened and insecure. Or at home they might not have trouble standing up for what is right, because they know it will be rewarded, but in a friend dynamic where gossip or nastiness is rewarded, that's what they do instead.

I think the best guard against these behaviors is raising kids who are independent minded and unafraid of going their own way. Even if it means disagreeing with YOU. When you teach kids that the most important thing is to get along and "be nice," I think it encourages group think and ingroup/outgroup dynamics that can easily lead even an otherwise "good" kid to engage in "mean" behaviors in order to protect their social position as a member of the group.[/quote]

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