Reply to He ordered WHAT?!? A lonely yawp to my pocket friends about my pathetic marriage

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "He ordered WHAT?!? A lonely yawp to my pocket friends about my pathetic marriage"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Maybe he ordered them for a larger lady and uses the $ex toys with her? Unless, the toys are pro$tate stimulators… [/quote]

This is another possibility.

OP I could have written a lot of what you wrote, and DH was willing to be dragged into marriage counselling when his options were MC or divorce.  It is hard but has helped a little bit.  You guys really need to get to a place where you can communicate openly and honestly even if you are in a roommate type of relationship.[/quote]

Thanks.  I’m glad an ultimatum helped at least a little for you.  I was there when we were engaged and other thorny issues came up, and he went along with “counseling or breakup” counseling.  And it did not help us get closer, sadly.  Went for about 2 months pre-wedding, and then he refused to go once we were married.  I was ready to call a mulligan a couple of months in when I discovered to my shock that I was pregnant…I’m far older than the usual age where that would happen without trying.  So that’s how I ended up staying in a situation that was drastically different once the wedding happened.  [/quote]

PP you are responding to.  Marriage counseling serves an additional purpose when you have children.  As part of my internal deliberations about divorce and what to do about DH, I realized that no matter what, I would still have to interact with him because of our children.  If there was a chance that our communication as coparents could improve, that seemed worthwhile.  In addition, I wanted to be able to tell my children that I took every step to try to keep an intact home for them.

I have been somewhat pleasantly surprised by DH’s behavior changes since I gave him an ultimatum.  I know that it is less about love and more about his desire as a man to avoid discomfort and preserve the status quo.  But I’m not going to analyze his motives if my life is substantially better.  Your DH says he loves you and doesn’t want to divorce.  Go with that, for now.  You’ve already invested over a decade with this person, and believe me I know what it’s like to be told to invest even more in what looks like a losing stock, but it’s worth it for the sake of your kid and your stability.  Go to individual therapy too, to start working out your steps.  My therapist and I have discussed all the possibilities including divorce.

Somewhat similar to you, DH does a lot of housework and has a low libido, and issues with his temper.  He says he loves me and is a decent father.  Also similar, we make enough for a terrific lifestyle together but it would be much harder apart.  I just read a lot of my own feelings while reading your OP and I wanted you to know you’re not the only person who has felt those regrets and loneliness with your marriage.  Me too, girl.  Me too![/quote]

Third woman here whose DH has a low libido, does a lot of housework and has issues with his temper. What is with these guys? Mine gets defensive at the drop of a hat, which escalates to rage in 2.3 seconds. [/quote]

DP. If this behavior is a change from how he was when you met him/dated/first married -- even if it's been an incremental change -- is there a reason you haven't worked with him to see if there are mental or physical health issues behind the low libido plus temper plus (most worrying) sudden rages?

If you have already considered that and he's been checked out etc., my apologies, but so often on these threads there's the issue of someone (DH or DW, doesn't matter) posting about things like you mention but there's nothing said about "This is a change from the person I used to know/got married to" or "This change began around the time that...." kids were born, or the spouse's parent died, or there was a career derailment, or....etc. I just wonder sometimes if folks don't consider that there can be low-level mental or physical issues for years that manifest -- especially in some men -- as temper and anger, when at the root are depression or hormonal issues. [u]I am NOT downplaying the fact that the day to day impact can be truly awful; a spouse and kids should not have to excuse the behaviors away.[/u] But if this is a change, have you thought, "Maybe there's something wrong beneath his being a massive defensive jerk I have to tiptoe around"?

This isn't intended as a diagnosis by an online stranger; it's just some of the things to at least consider, and again, sorry if you've been here already: 
"Reactive" depression (sometimes called situational depression)--a death, loss/downgrade of a job, discovers parenthood is more stressful than anticipated (I know, too bad, right? But it can throw some people into problems when they feel they don't "get" their kids or they think kids should act like adults)
Clinical depression
Bipolar (though that likely would have clearer "highs" as well as lows and anger)
Low testosterone --it can take more than one test, at different times, to get a clear picture
Thyroid -- My own good-natured DH was becoming more short-tempered which was a clear change; turned out he had a treatable thyroid condition and is back to himself.
And so on.

[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics