Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he ordered them for a larger lady and uses the $ex toys with her? Unless, the toys are pro$tate stimulators…

This is another possibility.

OP I could have written a lot of what you wrote, and DH was willing to be dragged into marriage counselling when his options were MC or divorce. It is hard but has helped a little bit. You guys really need to get to a place where you can communicate openly and honestly even if you are in a roommate type of relationship.

Thanks. I’m glad an ultimatum helped at least a little for you. I was there when we were engaged and other thorny issues came up, and he went along with “counseling or breakup” counseling. And it did not help us get closer, sadly. Went for about 2 months pre-wedding, and then he refused to go once we were married. I was ready to call a mulligan a couple of months in when I discovered to my shock that I was pregnant…I’m far older than the usual age where that would happen without trying. So that’s how I ended up staying in a situation that was drastically different once the wedding happened.

PP you are responding to. Marriage counseling serves an additional purpose when you have children. As part of my internal deliberations about divorce and what to do about DH, I realized that no matter what, I would still have to interact with him because of our children. If there was a chance that our communication as coparents could improve, that seemed worthwhile. In addition, I wanted to be able to tell my children that I took every step to try to keep an intact home for them.

I have been somewhat pleasantly surprised by DH’s behavior changes since I gave him an ultimatum. I know that it is less about love and more about his desire as a man to avoid discomfort and preserve the status quo. But I’m not going to analyze his motives if my life is substantially better. Your DH says he loves you and doesn’t want to divorce. Go with that, for now. You’ve already invested over a decade with this person, and believe me I know what it’s like to be told to invest even more in what looks like a losing stock, but it’s worth it for the sake of your kid and your stability. Go to individual therapy too, to start working out your steps. My therapist and I have discussed all the possibilities including divorce.

Somewhat similar to you, DH does a lot of housework and has a low libido, and issues with his temper. He says he loves me and is a decent father. Also similar, we make enough for a terrific lifestyle together but it would be much harder apart. I just read a lot of my own feelings while reading your OP and I wanted you to know you’re not the only person who has felt those regrets and loneliness with your marriage. Me too, girl. Me too!

Third woman here whose DH has a low libido, does a lot of housework and has issues with his temper. What is with these guys? Mine gets defensive at the drop of a hat, which escalates to rage in 2.3 seconds.

DP. If this behavior is a change from how he was when you met him/dated/first married -- even if it's been an incremental change -- is there a reason you haven't worked with him to see if there are mental or physical health issues behind the low libido plus temper plus (most worrying) sudden rages?

If you have already considered that and he's been checked out etc., my apologies, but so often on these threads there's the issue of someone (DH or DW, doesn't matter) posting about things like you mention but there's nothing said about "This is a change from the person I used to know/got married to" or "This change began around the time that...." kids were born, or the spouse's parent died, or there was a career derailment, or....etc. I just wonder sometimes if folks don't consider that there can be low-level mental or physical issues for years that manifest -- especially in some men -- as temper and anger, when at the root are depression or hormonal issues. I am NOT downplaying the fact that the day to day impact can be truly awful; a spouse and kids should not have to excuse the behaviors away. But if this is a change, have you thought, "Maybe there's something wrong beneath his being a massive defensive jerk I have to tiptoe around"?

This isn't intended as a diagnosis by an online stranger; it's just some of the things to at least consider, and again, sorry if you've been here already:
"Reactive" depression (sometimes called situational depression)--a death, loss/downgrade of a job, discovers parenthood is more stressful than anticipated (I know, too bad, right? But it can throw some people into problems when they feel they don't "get" their kids or they think kids should act like adults)
Clinical depression
Bipolar (though that likely would have clearer "highs" as well as lows and anger)
Low testosterone --it can take more than one test, at different times, to get a clear picture
Thyroid -- My own good-natured DH was becoming more short-tempered which was a clear change; turned out he had a treatable thyroid condition and is back to himself.
And so on.

OP here. For me, the reason I haven’t “worked with him” on these issues is that he absolutely will not let me. He refuses to see a physician, refuses to acknowledge any kind of a problem, and will say nothing is wrong. He literally gets angry immediately any time I bring up anything about his mood or behavior or anything, regardless of time of day, gentleness of approach, etc. DH definitely has medical issues that cause discomfort and I’m sure that’s part of it, but he will not see a doctor, period. And he absolutely will not entertain a suggestion that he has any kind of mental health condition (except years ago he did go to see an NP for ADHD because he wanted Adderall…which did help his productivity but made him even crankier…and he actually stopped taking it because he acknowledged that it made him angry…but that was years ago now.)

If he won’t talk about it, won’t acknowledge any problem, stonewalls any attempt at discussion, refuses therapy, refuses to see a doctor….I’m open to suggestions of any other way I could “work with him” on it. I hate to see him so miserable, and not just because he spreads it, but because I am his friend. It is horrible to keep reaching a hand out to help and have it slapped or bitten, like wanting to help a wounded animal who you know is suffering but won’t let you get close. I’m open to whatever might help and I’m delighted that a treatable thyroid issue made a difference for your DH.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he ordered them for a larger lady and uses the $ex toys with her? Unless, the toys are pro$tate stimulators…

Or to send to those women who will dress up online for you.

Regardless, you sound like a shell if whoever you once were.

That cannot be a healthy home to model for your child. Please please persist in your quest for therapy. Find a way out, so you have a home that is happy and safe. Does not matter if it is smaller, or furnished more sparsely.

You need to start living again, because your child will learn how to live by watching you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like your writing style OP

Hey, thanks! I aspire to be a writer and love to write and get feedback on my writing, so this was an unexpected but much welcomed dopamine hit! DCUM’s anonymity allows me to be much more open and honest than anything I could write for an audience IRL, since I don’t want the world knowing our private business. So it’s nice to hear my pathetic mess was engaging, at least! 🙂

yep yep, there's a lot you can say about DCUM, but we seem to universally admire good writing, and yours is evocative and funny, even in a difficult situation.

To the pp who asked about chat GPT - are you kidding? You can sniff out chat GPT in its currents state- it's like Barry in the office explaining something to you in dry language with utmost confidence in his own answer. OP should TRAIN AI. Then we'd be in big trouble.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you still have sex together? If not, which of one you rejected sex first?

OP here. Fair question. We technically have had sex a handful of yikes in the past couple of years, but I know my definition that would qualify as a “sexless” marriage.

He’s always had a lower sex drive than me but it drastically, drastically went down after the wedding. Like nearly immediately after. I initiated 9 times out of 10 and was rejected maybe 7 or 8 of those 9 times for the first year, then we had a kid and it just stayed that low and has been that way for years. Interestingly the last few years he has initiated much more (as in, a few times a year) but he’s now very crude about it, nothing like actually being physically affection in general and then building up to it. He’s also picked a lot of fights for years and been very argumentative, veering from picking fights to the silent treatment when I engage and actually make a point, so when he started to initiate a couple of years back, I just wasn’t feeling it at all. Plus, menopause. I accept out of obligation sometimes and to not hurt his feelings, or hoping it will improve his mood. But a decade of rejection leaves me with little enthusiasm.

The PP who said gay/trans is looking pretty smart now.

DP. It's so very DCUM to jump to the assumption that any man who says he's straight, but who doesn't want much sex, simply must be gay or trans. It's as if some people here cannot possibly believe a straight man could be less than rampantly interested in sex all the time. And before you say the lingerie must mean he's trans, well, it could, but it ain't necessarily so. A lot of assumptions going on there, none of which helps the OP anyway.

I mean, sure, he might totally be a straight, cisgender guy. But there are a ton of clues here to be considered. He sounds like he hates his appearance. He has had low libido since Day 1 and they are now sexless. And there is some strong evidence that he enjoys wearing women’s lingerie. So yes, he may not be gay/transgender/etc. But there is a much higher likelihood that he is than a husband who likes to have sex 1-3 times a week with his wife and has shown no signs of wearing women’s lingerie. She can do whatever she wants with these clues.
But it would be silly to think that his sexuality/gender might not be what she thought it was.

I mean, if I found 12 empty liquor bottles stashed around my yard, there could be many explanations. But, I might want to check into whether my husband was secretly drinking. I mean, sure, maybe some teenagers used my backyard for a party. But I would absolutely be talking to my husband.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he ordered them for a larger lady and uses the $ex toys with her? Unless, the toys are pro$tate stimulators…

This is another possibility.

OP I could have written a lot of what you wrote, and DH was willing to be dragged into marriage counselling when his options were MC or divorce. It is hard but has helped a little bit. You guys really need to get to a place where you can communicate openly and honestly even if you are in a roommate type of relationship.

Thanks. I’m glad an ultimatum helped at least a little for you. I was there when we were engaged and other thorny issues came up, and he went along with “counseling or breakup” counseling. And it did not help us get closer, sadly. Went for about 2 months pre-wedding, and then he refused to go once we were married. I was ready to call a mulligan a couple of months in when I discovered to my shock that I was pregnant…I’m far older than the usual age where that would happen without trying. So that’s how I ended up staying in a situation that was drastically different once the wedding happened.

PP you are responding to. Marriage counseling serves an additional purpose when you have children. As part of my internal deliberations about divorce and what to do about DH, I realized that no matter what, I would still have to interact with him because of our children. If there was a chance that our communication as coparents could improve, that seemed worthwhile. In addition, I wanted to be able to tell my children that I took every step to try to keep an intact home for them.

I have been somewhat pleasantly surprised by DH’s behavior changes since I gave him an ultimatum. I know that it is less about love and more about his desire as a man to avoid discomfort and preserve the status quo. But I’m not going to analyze his motives if my life is substantially better. Your DH says he loves you and doesn’t want to divorce. Go with that, for now. You’ve already invested over a decade with this person, and believe me I know what it’s like to be told to invest even more in what looks like a losing stock, but it’s worth it for the sake of your kid and your stability. Go to individual therapy too, to start working out your steps. My therapist and I have discussed all the possibilities including divorce.

Somewhat similar to you, DH does a lot of housework and has a low libido, and issues with his temper. He says he loves me and is a decent father. Also similar, we make enough for a terrific lifestyle together but it would be much harder apart. I just read a lot of my own feelings while reading your OP and I wanted you to know you’re not the only person who has felt those regrets and loneliness with your marriage. Me too, girl. Me too!

Third woman here whose DH has a low libido, does a lot of housework and has issues with his temper. What is with these guys? Mine gets defensive at the drop of a hat, which escalates to rage in 2.3 seconds.

Pp you are responding to… honestly I think it’s the same profound sense of entitlement that leads other men to be lazy in the house, just a different manifestation. DH is simply not lazy, he can’t just sit around while someone waits on him, but he also thinks he has a right to rage at me and the children when he is frustrated.

I wish, as another pp suggested, that this was some sort of physical health issue, but it wasn’t. He turned himself right around when it became clear that I was getting ready to leave him. I also wish I could say that he was such a sweet, gentle man before, but nope, all the red flags were there and waving and I was coming from a dysfunctional home life and loved him enough to ignore it.

Unfortunately he really did get me to the end of my rope, and I’m not sure I can just set the past several years of misery aside because he is behaving himself, finally.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hugs, pocket friend OP. I'm sorry you're going though this. You seem really cool and I wish you happiness.

+1!

+2. Good luck, OP. Rooting for you over here.

Same. I agree on building a rich life with friends work travel. How old are your kids?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he ordered them for a larger lady and uses the $ex toys with her? Unless, the toys are pro$tate stimulators…

This is another possibility.

OP I could have written a lot of what you wrote, and DH was willing to be dragged into marriage counselling when his options were MC or divorce. It is hard but has helped a little bit. You guys really need to get to a place where you can communicate openly and honestly even if you are in a roommate type of relationship.

Thanks. I’m glad an ultimatum helped at least a little for you. I was there when we were engaged and other thorny issues came up, and he went along with “counseling or breakup” counseling. And it did not help us get closer, sadly. Went for about 2 months pre-wedding, and then he refused to go once we were married. I was ready to call a mulligan a couple of months in when I discovered to my shock that I was pregnant…I’m far older than the usual age where that would happen without trying. So that’s how I ended up staying in a situation that was drastically different once the wedding happened.

PP you are responding to. Marriage counseling serves an additional purpose when you have children. As part of my internal deliberations about divorce and what to do about DH, I realized that no matter what, I would still have to interact with him because of our children. If there was a chance that our communication as coparents could improve, that seemed worthwhile. In addition, I wanted to be able to tell my children that I took every step to try to keep an intact home for them.

I have been somewhat pleasantly surprised by DH’s behavior changes since I gave him an ultimatum. I know that it is less about love and more about his desire as a man to avoid discomfort and preserve the status quo. But I’m not going to analyze his motives if my life is substantially better. Your DH says he loves you and doesn’t want to divorce. Go with that, for now. You’ve already invested over a decade with this person, and believe me I know what it’s like to be told to invest even more in what looks like a losing stock, but it’s worth it for the sake of your kid and your stability. Go to individual therapy too, to start working out your steps. My therapist and I have discussed all the possibilities including divorce.

Somewhat similar to you, DH does a lot of housework and has a low libido, and issues with his temper. He says he loves me and is a decent father. Also similar, we make enough for a terrific lifestyle together but it would be much harder apart. I just read a lot of my own feelings while reading your OP and I wanted you to know you’re not the only person who has felt those regrets and loneliness with your marriage. Me too, girl. Me too!

Third woman here whose DH has a low libido, does a lot of housework and has issues with his temper. What is with these guys? Mine gets defensive at the drop of a hat, which escalates to rage in 2.3 seconds.

DP. If this behavior is a change from how he was when you met him/dated/first married -- even if it's been an incremental change -- is there a reason you haven't worked with him to see if there are mental or physical health issues behind the low libido plus temper plus (most worrying) sudden rages?

If you have already considered that and he's been checked out etc., my apologies, but so often on these threads there's the issue of someone (DH or DW, doesn't matter) posting about things like you mention but there's nothing said about "This is a change from the person I used to know/got married to" or "This change began around the time that...." kids were born, or the spouse's parent died, or there was a career derailment, or....etc. I just wonder sometimes if folks don't consider that there can be low-level mental or physical issues for years that manifest -- especially in some men -- as temper and anger, when at the root are depression or hormonal issues. I am NOT downplaying the fact that the day to day impact can be truly awful; a spouse and kids should not have to excuse the behaviors away. But if this is a change, have you thought, "Maybe there's something wrong beneath his being a massive defensive jerk I have to tiptoe around"?

This isn't intended as a diagnosis by an online stranger; it's just some of the things to at least consider, and again, sorry if you've been here already:
"Reactive" depression (sometimes called situational depression)--a death, loss/downgrade of a job, discovers parenthood is more stressful than anticipated (I know, too bad, right? But it can throw some people into problems when they feel they don't "get" their kids or they think kids should act like adults)
Clinical depression
Bipolar (though that likely would have clearer "highs" as well as lows and anger)
Low testosterone --it can take more than one test, at different times, to get a clear picture
Thyroid -- My own good-natured DH was becoming more short-tempered which was a clear change; turned out he had a treatable thyroid condition and is back to himself.
And so on.

Anonymous wrote:I like your writing style OP

+1 I was going to add that OP should include writing in her "new life" she needs to create for herself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he ordered them for a larger lady and uses the $ex toys with her? Unless, the toys are pro$tate stimulators…

This is another possibility.

OP I could have written a lot of what you wrote, and DH was willing to be dragged into marriage counselling when his options were MC or divorce. It is hard but has helped a little bit. You guys really need to get to a place where you can communicate openly and honestly even if you are in a roommate type of relationship.

Thanks. I’m glad an ultimatum helped at least a little for you. I was there when we were engaged and other thorny issues came up, and he went along with “counseling or breakup” counseling. And it did not help us get closer, sadly. Went for about 2 months pre-wedding, and then he refused to go once we were married. I was ready to call a mulligan a couple of months in when I discovered to my shock that I was pregnant…I’m far older than the usual age where that would happen without trying. So that’s how I ended up staying in a situation that was drastically different once the wedding happened.

PP you are responding to. Marriage counseling serves an additional purpose when you have children. As part of my internal deliberations about divorce and what to do about DH, I realized that no matter what, I would still have to interact with him because of our children. If there was a chance that our communication as coparents could improve, that seemed worthwhile. In addition, I wanted to be able to tell my children that I took every step to try to keep an intact home for them.

I have been somewhat pleasantly surprised by DH’s behavior changes since I gave him an ultimatum. I know that it is less about love and more about his desire as a man to avoid discomfort and preserve the status quo. But I’m not going to analyze his motives if my life is substantially better. Your DH says he loves you and doesn’t want to divorce. Go with that, for now. You’ve already invested over a decade with this person, and believe me I know what it’s like to be told to invest even more in what looks like a losing stock, but it’s worth it for the sake of your kid and your stability. Go to individual therapy too, to start working out your steps. My therapist and I have discussed all the possibilities including divorce.

Somewhat similar to you, DH does a lot of housework and has a low libido, and issues with his temper. He says he loves me and is a decent father. Also similar, we make enough for a terrific lifestyle together but it would be much harder apart. I just read a lot of my own feelings while reading your OP and I wanted you to know you’re not the only person who has felt those regrets and loneliness with your marriage. Me too, girl. Me too!

Third woman here whose DH has a low libido, does a lot of housework and has issues with his temper. What is with these guys? Mine gets defensive at the drop of a hat, which escalates to rage in 2.3 seconds.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hugs, pocket friend OP. I'm sorry you're going though this. You seem really cool and I wish you happiness.

+1!

+2. Good luck, OP. Rooting for you over here.

Anonymous wrote:Hugs, pocket friend OP. I'm sorry you're going though this. You seem really cool and I wish you happiness.

+1!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Leave your H alone. Try not to wallow in the misery of your marriage but rather build a life for yourself.
No you don’t “need” to leave. It’s ok to stay. Just don’t ruminate. Maybe go take a trip alone or with your kid and have fun.

This. Also OP, what you’ve done here is make up your own version of an explanation and then get mad at him for it. Why would you NOT ask him about this? For all you know he’s using them to jack off to you. You are making assumptions and then getting upset over your own assumptions.

Huh? She would know if this were the case.

And she's already come back and said she likely is going to talk to him about what she's found out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you still have sex together? If not, which of one you rejected sex first?

OP here. Fair question. We technically have had sex a handful of yikes in the past couple of years, but I know my definition that would qualify as a “sexless” marriage.

He’s always had a lower sex drive than me but it drastically, drastically went down after the wedding. Like nearly immediately after. I initiated 9 times out of 10 and was rejected maybe 7 or 8 of those 9 times for the first year, then we had a kid and it just stayed that low and has been that way for years. Interestingly the last few years he has initiated much more (as in, a few times a year) but he’s now very crude about it, nothing like actually being physically affection in general and then building up to it. He’s also picked a lot of fights for years and been very argumentative, veering from picking fights to the silent treatment when I engage and actually make a point, so when he started to initiate a couple of years back, I just wasn’t feeling it at all. Plus, menopause. I accept out of obligation sometimes and to not hurt his feelings, or hoping it will improve his mood. But a decade of rejection leaves me with little enthusiasm.

The PP who said gay/trans is looking pretty smart now.

DP. It's so very DCUM to jump to the assumption that any man who says he's straight, but who doesn't want much sex, simply must be gay or trans. It's as if some people here cannot possibly believe a straight man could be less than rampantly interested in sex all the time. And before you say the lingerie must mean he's trans, well, it could, but it ain't necessarily so. A lot of assumptions going on there, none of which helps the OP anyway.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you still have sex together? If not, which of one you rejected sex first?

OP here. Fair question. We technically have had sex a handful of yikes in the past couple of years, but I know my definition that would qualify as a “sexless” marriage.

He’s always had a lower sex drive than me but it drastically, drastically went down after the wedding. Like nearly immediately after. I initiated 9 times out of 10 and was rejected maybe 7 or 8 of those 9 times for the first year, then we had a kid and it just stayed that low and has been that way for years. Interestingly the last few years he has initiated much more (as in, a few times a year) but he’s now very crude about it, nothing like actually being physically affection in general and then building up to it. He’s also picked a lot of fights for years and been very argumentative, veering from picking fights to the silent treatment when I engage and actually make a point, so when he started to initiate a couple of years back, I just wasn’t feeling it at all. Plus, menopause. I accept out of obligation sometimes and to not hurt his feelings, or hoping it will improve his mood. But a decade of rejection leaves me with little enthusiasm.

The PP who said gay/trans is looking pretty smart now.

Anonymous wrote:Leave your H alone. Try not to wallow in the misery of your marriage but rather build a life for yourself.
No you don’t “need” to leave. It’s ok to stay. Just don’t ruminate. Maybe go take a trip alone or with your kid and have fun.

This. Also OP, what you’ve done here is make up your own version of an explanation and then get mad at him for it. Why would you NOT ask him about this? For all you know he’s using them to jack off to you. You are making assumptions and then getting upset over your own assumptions.