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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]A good friend of mine’s DD is a mean girl. I’ve known her since she was a baby and the tendency was always there but her parents really contribute to it by giving a ton of positive feedback and attention for external “achievements” (looks, sports, anything where they can point out that she’s better than someone else). I have never heard them compliment her being kind, or acknowledge when she’s less than the best. It has given me a new understanding of how some people become mean girls. They believe they are only valuable in comparison to someone else. It’s a sad way to live. [/quote]

There's something to this. I know kids like this with parents like this and I think these kids feel good a lot (because they are successful at meeting they standards their parents have set) but that this good feeling is very shadow and must be fed all the time.

One thing I struggle with in regards to my own DD is that she sees how these kids get lots of validation for their looks and athletic success and she also wants that validation, and doesn't always feel good when we praise her for being kind, patient, working hard, or helping others. She appreciates it, but she wants to shine like those other kids. And I get it, it's how I felt at that age, too.

She has her own strengths and I'm hoping as she gets older and those pay off more (right now being cute and good at sports is huge but as they get older, other things do start to matter), she will develop more confidence and feel less envious of those kids who are always in the limelight for looking the right way and having athletic skill. But it's so hard now, knowing she fantasizes about being the girl with the perfect, shiny hair who always looks pulled together and scores the winning goal and gets fawned over by all the adults, when she's the very kind, artistic and creative but painfully shy kid in the corner who always looks a little messy despite our best efforts. I think she is wonderful and smart and interesting and funny, but she doesn't shine like the other kids do and she gets overlooked a lot.

It's hard to have empathy for the kids getting constant praise in that context, even if I can see how it's hard for them, too.[/quote]

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