Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A good friend of mine’s DD is a mean girl. I’ve known her since she was a baby and the tendency was always there but her parents really contribute to it by giving a ton of positive feedback and attention for external “achievements” (looks, sports, anything where they can point out that she’s better than someone else). I have never heard them compliment her being kind, or acknowledge when she’s less than the best. It has given me a new understanding of how some people become mean girls. They believe they are only valuable in comparison to someone else. It’s a sad way to live.

There's something to this. I know kids like this with parents like this and I think these kids feel good a lot (because they are successful at meeting they standards their parents have set) but that this good feeling is very shadow and must be fed all the time.

One thing I struggle with in regards to my own DD is that she sees how these kids get lots of validation for their looks and athletic success and she also wants that validation, and doesn't always feel good when we praise her for being kind, patient, working hard, or helping others. She appreciates it, but she wants to shine like those other kids. And I get it, it's how I felt at that age, too.

She has her own strengths and I'm hoping as she gets older and those pay off more (right now being cute and good at sports is huge but as they get older, other things do start to matter), she will develop more confidence and feel less envious of those kids who are always in the limelight for looking the right way and having athletic skill. But it's so hard now, knowing she fantasizes about being the girl with the perfect, shiny hair who always looks pulled together and scores the winning goal and gets fawned over by all the adults, when she's the very kind, artistic and creative but painfully shy kid in the corner who always looks a little messy despite our best efforts. I think she is wonderful and smart and interesting and funny, but she doesn't shine like the other kids do and she gets overlooked a lot.

It's hard to have empathy for the kids getting constant praise in that context, even if I can see how it's hard for them, too.

Anonymous wrote:My girls are in high school and college. Thinking back, the other girls from grade school and middle school who were the worst to them had parents who eventually divorced. Looking back, it's like they were projecting the negative energy on the home front on to their peers at school. Perhaps as a means of control, or seeking assert some sort of control, over what was happening behind the scenes at home with unhappy, checked-out parents. The girl who was worst of all to one of my daughters had parents hating each other and divorce during the middle school years. Suddenly, everything made sense to me.

Anonymous wrote:A good friend of mine’s DD is a mean girl. I’ve known her since she was a baby and the tendency was always there but her parents really contribute to it by giving a ton of positive feedback and attention for external “achievements” (looks, sports, anything where they can point out that she’s better than someone else). I have never heard them compliment her being kind, or acknowledge when she’s less than the best. It has given me a new understanding of how some people become mean girls. They believe they are only valuable in comparison to someone else. It’s a sad way to live.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd is on the receiving end of mean girl behavior in high school from a former friend. My dd is a sweet, empathetic kid and didn't do anything to deserve it. I know that people say there's always two sides of a story, but other people who know my kid and this situation say the same. And my dd isn't the only target of this particular girl. One parent commented to me that their daughter who is still friends with this girl is afraid to essentially be unfriended by said queen bee so she walks on eggshells around her.

So while I'm not happy that my dd is targeted, I'm relieved that they're no longer friends. I sometimes wonder about this queen bee mean girl in particular but also other mean kids. Is she happy because she is at the top of the social totem pole? Is she happy because she has this control and other people know it? Or is she deep down sad and insecure? Does she feel remorse for the way she's acting or does she justify it? Are bullies bullies because they are hiding something?

There are many sides to every story. Just because you think your DD is an angel and that those girls are bullies doesn’t mean that that’s even close to the case.

+1000 your perception is very unlikely to be accurate. Especially since you seem to be looking to validate that your DD’s frenimy is unhappy/miserable so as to make your DD superior, which is really pathetic. They are still kids. Lots of growth for all still to come.

Op here. I'm not trying to create a narrative that they're unhappy. My dd mentioned that ex friend is always happy because she appears to in school. That's what triggered my question, it made me wonder if she truly is happy, and if mean kids are secure or insecure. I've mentioned before my dd is not her only "victim".



[/quot

OP hopefully it’s not my child you are talking about? We really try hard to instill good values and kindness but our child has had to stand up on multiple occasions to defend herself - and sometimes standing up appears mean to others

This is not what most of us are talking about so if that's all your DD is doing, we're probably not talking about her.