Reply to Do you think the mean kids get their comeuppance?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Depends. If they are pretty or handsome and athletic and charming and socially manipulative, probably not. They will sail through life being a bro or mean girl.

But I don't think that should be your focus. What matters is how this is affecting your kid.[/quote]

Agree. The girl who bullied me and several others at school was drop-dead gorgeous and smart. She'd friend you up and then tear you apart in a humiliating way. Some adult women (me included) are still getting over the trauma she caused. She's doing great though. Still gorgeous, got a husband that adores her, has three kids, plenty of money, and travels the world.

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My daughter has a "friend" like this, my daughter hates her but wants to be in the popular group--so there is that, everything has its price--ultimately. This is my daughters price of being one of the popular kids--i ask her if its worth it....only she can decide.[/quote]

I had a number of "friends" like that growing up. The problem is that it's not just about trying to fit in with the most popular group in school. When people form groups, they often instinctively create hierarchies. So even if your group is a bunch of bookish kids who don't care about sports or clothes, there may be a hierarchy in that group and there will be a lot of pressure to be "friends" with the people at the top of that hierarchy. And usually the people at the top have assets the others lack -- they might be the riches or the best looking, or they might have the best grades, or they might have more assertive/domineering personalities -- it can be a lot of things. This is often the price people pay for having the protection of a group.

So your daughter might have this issue even if she wasn't trying to get in with the most popular kids. This is a tribal thing and it can be most brutal in school. I think it gets easier as you get older and your social group is less restricted to school peers or even people your exact same age. It's also easier as an adult to have several friend groups, which diminishes the power of the group and thus the power of any hierarchy in the group. But it still happens sometimes.

I think the best thing you can do to help a kid break the habit of trying to befriend the "top of the pyramid" kids within social cliques is to give them more social options. Enroll them in activities outside of school so they can develop friends there. Spend time in the summer with cousins so they develop those friendships. Give your child multiple outlets for forming friendships and bonds so that if they are in a group at school and someone starts to exclude them, it's less painful and they can simply turn their attention to other groups. It really helps. If school is the be all and end all for a kid, it puts a lot of pressure on them to fit in and belong there, which sometimes means becoming subservient to individuals in power positions. You can diminish that pressure by expanding their horizons outside the schoolhouse walls.[/quote]

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