Reply to Today’s young adults want apologies from their parents; parents want a thank you

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My mom who emotionally abused and neglected us: "I tried my best, but I know I was a bad mom and I'm sorry for that."

My dad who was generally a good parent: "I did my best, but I know I was too controlling. I should have let you guys be yourselves instead of forcing you to do what I wanted to do. I"m sorry for that."

Me to both parents: "I'm so grateful for everything you did for me."

I dunno, my family is pretty dysfunctional but this part isn't hard. [/quote]

This is a picture of healthy accountability that enables you to be grateful. The thing is, it is hard for many people. A lot of parents who are abusive or neglectful can never admit it, and continue these behaviors into their kid's adulthood, and any effort to even address or discuss dysfunction gets met with more abuse. In that situation, it's just not really possible, or healthy, for the adult child to say "I'm grateful for all that you did."

The parent-child dynamic has a very big power bias in favor of the parent, who is in charge for the first and formative years of the relationship. If that person never finds the emotional maturity to simply hold themselves accountable for anything, I don't think he child has any obligation to express gratitude, frankly. In that situation, I think the child's first objective should be to find a safe escape from the abusive dynamic and to learn self-love and self-acceptance. They don't owe a parent like that anything, much less a thank you.

But I'm glad your parents are capable of accountability and I'm glad you can express your gratitude toward them. [/quote]

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