Reply to My Dad is Living With Us and I Lost It Tonight

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]So, I am a geriatric psychologist, and this comes from two places:

1. What he's saying comes from CARING about you. When is the last time he saw how you lived life up close in this much detail? Before you left for college? You were a different person then. An actual CHILD then, who needed parenting. He hasn't adjusted to you being a full grown competent adult.
2.  What he's saying also comes from worrying about what he would do in these situations. He worries what he'd do if he got a flat, if he was walking the dog and got attacked and the dog ran off, if he was out when it was dark and got turned around and lost, if he ate the amount you ate he'd be hungry. It's projection. [/quote]

I think you are likely a troll. The anxiety is common and can move into psychotic territory. They can also lash out physically over time. it needs treatment. This is not like anxiety in a high functioning 20 something. It has a different flavor as the brain starts deteriorating and if I had a dollar for every person who claimed an elderly person was sharp as a tack during decline, I'd be wealthy. The best thing OP can do is stop analyzing and get it treated and under control stat. I made myself ill with the empathizing and using techniques as her anxiety moved into paranoia and psychotic territory. Meds are what make them tolerable. It's not about making someone a zombie. It's about making someone into a decent rational human who isn't trapped in insanity. Nothing you do or say will calm the anxiety when it is elder anxiety.They still think they know better than you do. The last thing you want to do is reinforce it. Meds.[/quote]

I think you both are right.  My mother would come and stay with me for long periods of time. She was a worrywort and it drove me crazy. Her concern was based on caring and she definitely compared me to her. She wasn't as strong or competent and now was older, less capable physically and vulnerable. But I wasn't her.

Your dad is worried about you - he feels he needs to take care of you.  And yes, OP's father may need medicine, though second poster, it sounds as if your elderly person really was becoming psychotic.

OP:  your father hasn't been with you for very long. But you do need to have a long conversation about your life and your habits and your boundaries instead of these short sniping drive bys.  His criticism is going to make this unbearable and he needs to know that he has to work on getting along with you.  He wouldn't want to be constantly criticized by you either.  Try to have the conversation to develop clear boundaries.  Also, he does need to join something so he is less focused on you.  Point out how much you watched his life narrow, understand how hard it is to start over, but that he must start over, but that he needs get something going that he enjoys and wants to do.  I also suggest that the two of you find something that you can do together.  My mom and I were great movie goers - and it was fun for us and gave us something else to focus on. Can your dad go with you some nights when you are walking the dog?  I know it is good to have alone time, but you also need some shared activity with him - whatever you both can come up with.

Wishing you the best. 
[/quote]

I am the person you are referring to and I agree with this. If her dad is not far along moving toward say dementia or some deterioration, he may be open to boundaries and creating a life for himself. There was a line my mother crossed where we could no longer have those conversations. She was becoming completely irrational and consumed with anxiety. I hope for OPs sake the conversations help because they need other social outlets just like we all do. Regarding walking the dog it might be good for him once to see how safe it is, though frankly most of us know a German Shepard is a pretty amazing guard dog. Also, it could backfire and make him more anxious as he may perceive things as dangerous when they aren't.

I do still stand by the idea of thinking long term, especially if there is any family history of dementia. Both my parents, my grandparents and one of inlaws crossed that threshold from worry that could be managed with strategies, boundaries to worry that was out of control moving into scary territory. In all cases it was the road to Alzheimer's or other forms of dementia and eventually like I said med changes were needed and the best setting was residential. Regardless, OP I wish you the best and I hope with your father it truly is just adjusting to aging, loss, moving, etc. I also hope you never have to deal with dementia.[/quote]

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