First of all, hugs to you OP.

You upended your life to take in your father, and even though you knew it would be hard, you did it out of generosity and kindness.

I think you've got to set some boundaries here or he's going to drive you crazy. At a calm time, sit down with him and tell him he can't tell you what to do. It's driving you a little crazy. You can do it with empathy, but you need to do it.

And if it ultimately drives you too crazy you can let him know that he can't live with you any more if he keeps telling you what to do.

OP, based on what you have said about your father, it seems to me that he is suffering from his world becoming too damned small. Your mother appears to have been the "cruise director" in the relationship, and without her, he has allowed his relationships to languish. He isn't adequately occupied, so his brain turns to his anxieties. Your description doesn't send off dementia alarm bells to me, just idleness and loneliness. OP, your Dad needs a job. Not a paying job, per se, but something to give him purpose and occupy his time. Does he help support the household? Cooking, gardening, grocery shopping, doing small repairs? Can HE take the dog for an evening walk? He really needs to be part of the household, not just a permanent guest if this is going to work.

I stayed with my terminally ill father for a month and it was hard. I cooked everything the wrong way, broke everything and left everything in the wrong place apparently. I just about had a breakdown when a warning light came up on his car dashboard - I would have been blamed for breaking the car. It turned out that the key remote needed a new battery.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, I am a geriatric psychologist, and this comes from two places:

1. What he's saying comes from CARING about you. When is the last time he saw how you lived life up close in this much detail? Before you left for college? You were a different person then. An actual CHILD then, who needed parenting. He hasn't adjusted to you being a full grown competent adult.
2. What he's saying also comes from worrying about what he would do in these situations. He worries what he'd do if he got a flat, if he was walking the dog and got attacked and the dog ran off, if he was out when it was dark and got turned around and lost, if he ate the amount you ate he'd be hungry. It's projection.

I think you are likely a troll. The anxiety is common and can move into psychotic territory. They can also lash out physically over time. it needs treatment. This is not like anxiety in a high functioning 20 something. It has a different flavor as the brain starts deteriorating and if I had a dollar for every person who claimed an elderly person was sharp as a tack during decline, I'd be wealthy. The best thing OP can do is stop analyzing and get it treated and under control stat. I made myself ill with the empathizing and using techniques as her anxiety moved into paranoia and psychotic territory. Meds are what make them tolerable. It's not about making someone a zombie. It's about making someone into a decent rational human who isn't trapped in insanity. Nothing you do or say will calm the anxiety when it is elder anxiety.They still think they know better than you do. The last thing you want to do is reinforce it. Meds.

I think you both are right. My mother would come and stay with me for long periods of time. She was a worrywort and it drove me crazy. Her concern was based on caring and she definitely compared me to her. She wasn't as strong or competent and now was older, less capable physically and vulnerable. But I wasn't her.

Your dad is worried about you - he feels he needs to take care of you. And yes, OP's father may need medicine, though second poster, it sounds as if your elderly person really was becoming psychotic.

OP: your father hasn't been with you for very long. But you do need to have a long conversation about your life and your habits and your boundaries instead of these short sniping drive bys. His criticism is going to make this unbearable and he needs to know that he has to work on getting along with you. He wouldn't want to be constantly criticized by you either. Try to have the conversation to develop clear boundaries. Also, he does need to join something so he is less focused on you. Point out how much you watched his life narrow, understand how hard it is to start over, but that he must start over, but that he needs get something going that he enjoys and wants to do. I also suggest that the two of you find something that you can do together. My mom and I were great movie goers - and it was fun for us and gave us something else to focus on. Can your dad go with you some nights when you are walking the dog? I know it is good to have alone time, but you also need some shared activity with him - whatever you both can come up with.

Wishing you the best.

I am the person you are referring to and I agree with this. If her dad is not far along moving toward say dementia or some deterioration, he may be open to boundaries and creating a life for himself. There was a line my mother crossed where we could no longer have those conversations. She was becoming completely irrational and consumed with anxiety. I hope for OPs sake the conversations help because they need other social outlets just like we all do. Regarding walking the dog it might be good for him once to see how safe it is, though frankly most of us know a German Shepard is a pretty amazing guard dog. Also, it could backfire and make him more anxious as he may perceive things as dangerous when they aren't.

I do still stand by the idea of thinking long term, especially if there is any family history of dementia. Both my parents, my grandparents and one of inlaws crossed that threshold from worry that could be managed with strategies, boundaries to worry that was out of control moving into scary territory. In all cases it was the road to Alzheimer's or other forms of dementia and eventually like I said med changes were needed and the best setting was residential. Regardless, OP I wish you the best and I hope with your father it truly is just adjusting to aging, loss, moving, etc. I also hope you never have to deal with dementia.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, I am a geriatric psychologist, and this comes from two places:

1. What he's saying comes from CARING about you. When is the last time he saw how you lived life up close in this much detail? Before you left for college? You were a different person then. An actual CHILD then, who needed parenting. He hasn't adjusted to you being a full grown competent adult.
2. What he's saying also comes from worrying about what he would do in these situations. He worries what he'd do if he got a flat, if he was walking the dog and got attacked and the dog ran off, if he was out when it was dark and got turned around and lost, if he ate the amount you ate he'd be hungry. It's projection.

I think you are likely a troll. The anxiety is common and can move into psychotic territory. They can also lash out physically over time. it needs treatment. This is not like anxiety in a high functioning 20 something. It has a different flavor as the brain starts deteriorating and if I had a dollar for every person who claimed an elderly person was sharp as a tack during decline, I'd be wealthy. The best thing OP can do is stop analyzing and get it treated and under control stat. I made myself ill with the empathizing and using techniques as her anxiety moved into paranoia and psychotic territory. Meds are what make them tolerable. It's not about making someone a zombie. It's about making someone into a decent rational human who isn't trapped in insanity. Nothing you do or say will calm the anxiety when it is elder anxiety.They still think they know better than you do. The last thing you want to do is reinforce it. Meds.

I think you both are right. My mother would come and stay with me for long periods of time. She was a worrywort and it drove me crazy. Her concern was based on caring and she definitely compared me to her. She wasn't as strong or competent and now was older, less capable physically and vulnerable. But I wasn't her.

Your dad is worried about you - he feels he needs to take care of you. And yes, OP's father may need medicine, though second poster, it sounds as if your elderly person really was becoming psychotic.

OP: your father hasn't been with you for very long. But you do need to have a long conversation about your life and your habits and your boundaries instead of these short sniping drive bys. His criticism is going to make this unbearable and he needs to know that he has to work on getting along with you. He wouldn't want to be constantly criticized by you either. Try to have the conversation to develop clear boundaries. Also, he does need to join something so he is less focused on you. Point out how much you watched his life narrow, understand how hard it is to start over, but that he must start over, but that he needs get something going that he enjoys and wants to do. I also suggest that the two of you find something that you can do together. My mom and I were great movie goers - and it was fun for us and gave us something else to focus on. Can your dad go with you some nights when you are walking the dog? I know it is good to have alone time, but you also need some shared activity with him - whatever you both can come up with.

Wishing you the best.

Hi OP,

1. Study up on reflective conversation. It is used with alzheimer's patients. It is a technique that works well.
Dad--"You should not be walking the dog at 9:00."
OP--"I do this every night. What are your plans for tomorrow Dad? The weather looks really good."

If he gets on a loop of 11 stupid questions simply stop engaging. Dad" The tv is too small." OP "you are right, what do you want to have for dinner tomorrow?

Reflective conversation is a really strong tool that helps in the endless loops that come up in conversations with seniors

Another thought...can you have him join you for the 9:00 pm dog walk? PS. NOTHING IS WRONG ABOUT A WOMAN WALKING A GERMAN SHEPHERD AT 9:00 PM.

2. Start setting a lot of boundaries. Have some nights or time on the weekends that is private time for you and your husband in your living room/family room dining room area.
"Dad, our pastor says we need to have some private time for Larlo and I for our marriage. Thursday and Friday nights are our nights to have our date night dinners. I'll prepare something you can warm up in your microwave downstairs." Set certain blocks of days/time as your private time.

3. Give him chores. People want to feel needed. Can he rake leaves? Wash and wax the cars? Do the dishes? Load the dishwasher? Make one meal for everyone once a week?Try to give him regular daily or weekly chores. Does he drive? Send him out on grocery runs. Can he swiffer the floor with a dry mop? Can you give him one or two meals a week in which he does the cooking? Even if he repeats the same meal each week? Can he fold the family laundry? Can he cut the grass? Many 80 year olds cut the grass.

4. What is the set up of the inlaw suite? Does he have his own couch or lazyboy? Does he have a personal coffee maker down there? Does he have access to running water?
If not give him gallon jugs of water to use with his keurig. A microwave? A dorm frig? A big screen tv (they are cheap now) Pick up a used lazyboy from somewhere and spend $90 on a big screen tv for him in his inlaw suite.

5. Partner with your spouse on solutions. You've only had Dad 8 weeks. At some point this will affect your marriage/relationship. Plan one or two date nights a week out of the house with your spouse. It does not need to be expensive. Walk the mall (free) Go out to starbucks with your spouse or go to Denny's for their $10 salmon, potato and broccoli meal.

6. While you are going through this rocky stage plan some overnights/weekends away with your spouse so that Dad has to function on his own. Maybe plan one weekend away with your spouse or even one overnight away with your spouse a month.

Good luck,

Both: Understanding AND Meds
Get him on meds as soon as possible, if possible. Meanwhile, yes it is interesting the know "the why".

The geriatric psychologist poster gave an extremely thoughtful response. Great knowledge. Thank you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, I am a geriatric psychologist, and this comes from two places:

1. What he's saying comes from CARING about you. When is the last time he saw how you lived life up close in this much detail? Before you left for college? You were a different person then. An actual CHILD then, who needed parenting. He hasn't adjusted to you being a full grown competent adult.
2. What he's saying also comes from worrying about what he would do in these situations. He worries what he'd do if he got a flat, if he was walking the dog and got attacked and the dog ran off, if he was out when it was dark and got turned around and lost, if he ate the amount you ate he'd be hungry. It's projection.

+1 plus he doesn't know how to help you (now that he is older) should something bad happen

Do you see how irrational that is? She is a grown up who is independent. His thinking is not clear and he is suffering. No amount of reassurance or empathy will make that better. He cannot manage his thoughts. it's one thing to worry like this about a young adult who is naive. It is irrational and disturbing to be so lost in worry about a complete grown up. He needs help. This is not in the normal range of worrying and will get worse.

It's not irrational. It's the sad reality for an older parent who can no longer protect their child - he is worried about her and for himself if he lost her. The realization is sad and traumatic to them and he is in the midst of processing the loss of that part of his identity and role in the world and accepting it. Will anxiety meds help? Probably. Is the old guy off his rocker? Nope.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, I am a geriatric psychologist, and this comes from two places:

1. What he's saying comes from CARING about you. When is the last time he saw how you lived life up close in this much detail? Before you left for college? You were a different person then. An actual CHILD then, who needed parenting. He hasn't adjusted to you being a full grown competent adult.
2. What he's saying also comes from worrying about what he would do in these situations. He worries what he'd do if he got a flat, if he was walking the dog and got attacked and the dog ran off, if he was out when it was dark and got turned around and lost, if he ate the amount you ate he'd be hungry. It's projection.

+1 plus he doesn't know how to help you (now that he is older) should something bad happen

Do you see how irrational that is? She is a grown up who is independent. His thinking is not clear and he is suffering. No amount of reassurance or empathy will make that better. He cannot manage his thoughts. it's one thing to worry like this about a young adult who is naive. It is irrational and disturbing to be so lost in worry about a complete grown up. He needs help. This is not in the normal range of worrying and will get worse.

Anonymous wrote:So, I am a geriatric psychologist, and this comes from two places:

1. What he's saying comes from CARING about you. When is the last time he saw how you lived life up close in this much detail? Before you left for college? You were a different person then. An actual CHILD then, who needed parenting. He hasn't adjusted to you being a full grown competent adult.
2. What he's saying also comes from worrying about what he would do in these situations. He worries what he'd do if he got a flat, if he was walking the dog and got attacked and the dog ran off, if he was out when it was dark and got turned around and lost, if he ate the amount you ate he'd be hungry. It's projection.

+1 plus he doesn't know how to help you (now that he is older) should something bad happen

Anonymous wrote:For those of you who had parents who were anti-therapy, anti-meds, what made them switch to being ok with it? Forcing my parent to do either “you do this or you’re out” won’t work. Did a trusted doctor get them to do it?

In our experience it was framed in such a way that it's a very small dose, nothing like what "the crazies" take. Doctor did not say "the crazies" but that what parent hears. Like you are too special to need a full amount...but it was worked up to full amount.

The problem then becomes when the parent feels better sometimes he wants to get off the meds because he thinks he no longer needs them rather than the meds make him feel better.Sometimes meds need to be increased or changed or new ones added as the brain for lack of a better word erodes. It's so much easier to have the staff at a facility do this then to be the one making sure dad takes his meds or hearing him argue with an aide in your home.

Some people on here make it sound like taking a scared rescue dog into your home and all you need is patience and love and some ways to calm the anxiety. The problem is the aging brain can create some really awful behaviors and the anxiety can turn so obsessive and even into paranoia which is why you want to think long term. If you think he will fade enough he won't care when you move him, I have rarely heard that. They never want to move out. You may want to work with an aging professional if you do go that route. They often do a therapeutic lie like "the house is being painted/fumigated so we need you to live here for a few weeks."There are cases where that happens and the person actually likes it there. Often it takes more time to adjust. Sometimes it's like what happens at daycare. They are happy and adjusted when you aren't there visiting, yet when they see you they share sob stories and guilt trip you for not being with them all the time.

Assisted livings CCRCs, etc aren't perfect, but you can find good ones.

For those of you who had parents who were anti-therapy, anti-meds, what made them switch to being ok with it? Forcing my parent to do either “you do this or you’re out” won’t work. Did a trusted doctor get them to do it?

My mother's anxiety drove me so mad I requested medication from my doctor. I figured clearly it was my fault the techniques weren't enough and I could not stand to be around her and I could not cope. Yet, I coped with a highly stressful work situation well, my own health issue and many other things. My doctor made it clear I was not the one who needed medication and my mother's anxiety was debilitating, would likely get worse and she was suffering internally greatly. Medication changed her into a person who could with life and I could actually e4njoy being around her for a while. (The problem is as the brain further deteriorates sometimes antipsychotics are even needed and my sibling-POA refused until she had to take over dealing with mom. Suddenly she understood after just a few days and that was just visiting her, not having her in the same home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, I am a geriatric psychologist, and this comes from two places:

1. What he's saying comes from CARING about you. When is the last time he saw how you lived life up close in this much detail? Before you left for college? You were a different person then. An actual CHILD then, who needed parenting. He hasn't adjusted to you being a full grown competent adult.
2. What he's saying also comes from worrying about what he would do in these situations. He worries what he'd do if he got a flat, if he was walking the dog and got attacked and the dog ran off, if he was out when it was dark and got turned around and lost, if he ate the amount you ate he'd be hungry. It's projection.

I think you are likely a troll. The anxiety is common and can move into psychotic territory. They can also lash out physically over time. it needs treatment. This is not like anxiety in a high functioning 20 something. It has a different flavor as the brain starts deteriorating and if I had a dollar for every person who claimed an elderly person was sharp as a tack during decline, I'd be wealthy. The best thing OP can do is stop analyzing and get it treated and under control stat. I made myself ill with the empathizing and using techniques as her anxiety moved into paranoia and psychotic territory. Meds are what make them tolerable. It's not about making someone a zombie. It's about making someone into a decent rational human who isn't trapped in insanity. Nothing you do or say will calm the anxiety when it is elder anxiety.They still think they know better than you do. The last thing you want to do is reinforce it. Meds.

How on earth are you reading this as a troll response? It sounds exactly right to me.

OP, you can understand the source of his anxiety to respond kindly without engaging

Because someone who works with this population and is trained in the latest research and techniques understands how anxiety often manifests itself with a deteriorating brain and understands that is gets worse and is rarely responses for long to little tricks and techniques. On the road to dementia and Alzheimers the anxiety has a different flavor to it and it's easy soothed at least not for long. An expert knows this and has seen it countless times.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, I am a geriatric psychologist, and this comes from two places:

1. What he's saying comes from CARING about you. When is the last time he saw how you lived life up close in this much detail? Before you left for college? You were a different person then. An actual CHILD then, who needed parenting. He hasn't adjusted to you being a full grown competent adult.
2. What he's saying also comes from worrying about what he would do in these situations. He worries what he'd do if he got a flat, if he was walking the dog and got attacked and the dog ran off, if he was out when it was dark and got turned around and lost, if he ate the amount you ate he'd be hungry. It's projection.

I think you are likely a troll. The anxiety is common and can move into psychotic territory. They can also lash out physically over time. it needs treatment. This is not like anxiety in a high functioning 20 something. It has a different flavor as the brain starts deteriorating and if I had a dollar for every person who claimed an elderly person was sharp as a tack during decline, I'd be wealthy. The best thing OP can do is stop analyzing and get it treated and under control stat. I made myself ill with the empathizing and using techniques as her anxiety moved into paranoia and psychotic territory. Meds are what make them tolerable. It's not about making someone a zombie. It's about making someone into a decent rational human who isn't trapped in insanity. Nothing you do or say will calm the anxiety when it is elder anxiety.They still think they know better than you do. The last thing you want to do is reinforce it. Meds.

How on earth are you reading this as a troll response? It sounds exactly right to me.

OP, you can understand the source of his anxiety to respond kindly without engaging