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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]There are quite a few who come out of it with a much better marriage.  I stayed and we are very happy.  We always had an active sex life and still do.  I guess the type of cheating matters, the circumstances and the quality/love/happiness of the marriage prior to cheating.  We lost ourselves in the kid heavy years and both carried some unexpressed resentment had communication issues—it was largely a byproduct of kids taking all our focus and the different ways we dealt with that.  Spouse was deeply, deeply remorseful and did a ton of work and still lists it as his biggest regret in life.  I’m not sure we would have addressed our issues and just kept chugging along growing more dissatisfied if the infidelity hadn’t cracked everything wide open.  I would never want anyone to go through that because it is absolutely brutal, but we have a beautiful family and are very happy and I’m glad I ultimately didn’t leave.  Of it happens again, I would leave and that is known as well as ways to communicate clearly if one of us is unhappy.[/quote]

How did you start the healing (?) process and how long did it take for the relationship to turn around (to start even slightly for the better of couple/family)?  I was just told that one of my sibling is going through this right at this moment (brother-in-law may have started to see other woman)...  I just could not come up with any good word to console her.  From the way I (and even my husband) see it is that the brother-in-law has been sending multiple cues to her over the last few years that he is unhappy in the current situation (as a couple, first) and she flat out ignored those cues, believing relationship between them is smooth as before.  There was no abuse or anything to speak of from either side but we know that what brother-in-law went through, especially during COVID, was mentally tough (I cannot blame him cuz we even felt what she did was unfair to him, no infidelity just emotional damage) and my sibling is now faced with the consequences.

As a woman, I sympathize with my sibling for living in a constant fear of losing him (so she thinks) and made to watch how he is becoming an untrustworthy spouse, but at the same time I do sympathize my brother-in-law for putting up with my sibling for the longest time we could remember.  Of course, my sibling deeply regrets her actions and wants to work out the relationship with him.

This is the very first time the brother-in-law is behaving like this (first offense, sort of speak).  And, we believe he is in the "honeymoon" period right now.  I don't think initialing couples therapy and all that is useless at this particular timing because it just goes to a deaf ear and is one-way.

What would you suggest?  I feel both sides of pain...[/quote]

Former betrayed wife who has reconciled here . . .

You're right that couple's therapy is a waste at this point. They have to both be committed and the cheater needs to be willing to do the heavy lifting.

It's very natural for your sibling to want to secure her husband, so to speak. As in, it's an actual primal instinct designed to make sure the young you've had with your mate aren't abandoned. One of the many reasons that cheating sucks is that is not only have you been cheated on, but now your partner is sitting there all high and mighty with two potential partners to choose from, while you've maybe got one or, depending on what he decides, zero. It's natural to want to flip that around and become the person with the choice(s) again.

But you have to live in reality. A relationship is a two way street and you can't force someone, even your spouse, to want to be with you. And in fact, doing the "pick me dance" just makes you LESS appealing in the cheater's eyes. There are many reasons why it's best to detach and start moving forward as though the marriage can't be saved. It may wake up the cheater and they'll put in their best effort to fixing things. Or it may not, in which case you've already started focusing on yourself. There's no downside to it. It's just hard to convince your primal urges to take a back seat.

It sounds like you sympathize with your BIL, probably based on seeing how your sibling acted and treated him all these years. Just remember that he had agency to speak up, move out, lay down boundaries, etc. An affair is NOT an understandable or rational response to things not being great in a marriage. Your sibling has been traumatized by his actions and you should focus on supporting her. Part of that is supporting her in becoming a healthy person who treats other people well (and that includes not trying to force an unwilling cheater to reconcile with you). But your angle needs to be because she deserves someone who isn't running in the opposite direction from her, not that she's paying for prior crimes.

To answer your original question, my husband was in "the fog" for a few days at most. He claimed it was just an emotional affair, which gave him cover to act indignant and like I was making a big deal over nothing. As the days passed and I was like, "Um, you do actually need to unfriend her" and I required he let me see his phone (and then found out it was a physical affair), he suddenly realized he was in deep sh*t. Meanwhile I had gone from somewhat understanding to outraged. So over the course of about two weeks he went from indignant and obnoxious to terrified and scrambling. But it still took a long time (better part of a year) for him to get into therapy and get past his most basic defenses against shame. In the meantime, at least he was really invested in saving the marriage and following me around like a sad puppy.[/quote]

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