Anonymous wrote:OP, the culture socialized you to feel that way and so you do. It’s good that you don’t feel awful but perhaps you can look for some ways to add balance.

Anonymous wrote:^^tl;dr = be rich

Anonymous wrote:I have been a SAHM for the last 20 years. My advice for transitioning successfully to being a SAHM is below. YMMV

1) Finances
Make sure that your financial future is rock solid secure. I do not have a prenup, I manage all the money, we own everything jointly, I also have my own money, I have put away money in trust for our kid's education, college, wedding, seed money to help with house purchase etc. I have managed the wealth that we have built up. Make sure your retirement is on track. Make sure you have lots of insurance so that you are never ever forced to go back to work in case of your spouse's death or disability due to financial reasons Make sure that you do not become poor due to divorce or DH losing his job. Two working spouses is a whole lot of financial security for the family and if you are now dependent on a single salary then you have to be very smart financially.

2) Chores
If you have the money (and because you have a large brood), please continue to outsource the domestic chores. You want your children to benefit from having an educated mother like you home, then the best use of your time for all of you is when you are managing rather than when you are a worker bee doing chores. This also takes care of any resentment that you may harbor towards your DH for not being hands-on, and it frees up the weekends for your spouse so that he can spend time with the kids.

3) Childcare and enrichment
Yes, continue with the Montessori, preschool, gym classes, mommy and me classes etc. It keeps the children engaged and it will give you breaks and space/time for planning and organizing. And if you ever return to work or are incapacitated or unavailable - you will have a structure for childcare and your kids will be used to having other caregivers.

4) Your health
Get all your checkups, eat nutritious food, get enough sleep and exercise first thing in the morning.

5) Your family's health
Get them all on a schedule and at the very least get all their wellness visits done in the first 2 months of the year to meet all and any deductibles. Make sure that your DH and you are in the best of health. Health should be a priority.

6) Keep your feet in the door in your field
Whatever very part time way you can be engaged in your industry, keep the doors open. One day you may decide to go back to work.

7) Declutter your house, organize your stuff, keep paperwork current, go minimalistic with possessions.
You cannot be a super anything if your health sucks and if you have a cluttered house.

8) Socialize, call people over, have a streamlined plan to have people over, simplify your entertaining and make it formulaic.
No need to become all IGworthy and to do a lot of fancy activities. Just keep calling people over for playdates, coffee, pizza dinners, cocktails etc. You need to build your tribe.

9) Have a weekly menu. Have a daily, weekly chore list. Then get it done.
Simplify, simplify.

10) Nail down the first 2 hours of the day for yourself and your kids.
Yes. First two hours of the day will determine how the rest of your day will unfold for you and your kids. Nail that shit down and make sure that everyone knows what needs to be done.

11) Get dressed. Get out.
Every day if you can help it. You and your kids need to get dressed first thing in the morning. It is very, very, very easy to get into a funk and things to spiral down.

12) Therapy
Have a therapist on standby. You may need help in navigating your new identity as your old identity gets erased. It is hard when people think you have no brains because you are home with your kids. Get a therapist, take meds if you are depressed, get exercising, get a life coach if needed.

Anonymous wrote:I first heard this term on dcum and it definitely applies to me. I’m a sahm with no help (but a great dh) and I always put my kids’ needs ahead of mine, without exception. It usually doesn’t occur to me to consider another option. I take great joy in them, love most parts of parenting and am not depressed, but am burned out and ground down. Feels like I’ve been running on empty for years. I can’t bring myself to do CIO, rarely turn to screens and funnel what money we have into enrichment. I see real benefits from all of this for my family but my personal physical and emotional health keeps getting worse. I do take baths and have coffee with friends now and then but no extras or anything that requires a babysitter.

Lately I’ve tried to really look at what is behind this. It’s not performative– –I’m not on social media and no one asks or cares about my specific parenting choices. I’m not trying to meet some societal or cultural standard. What I’ve come up with is that I’m scared of a slippery slope. That if I start, say, prioritizing exercise, then soon it’s massage and acupuncture appointments, and then PT and therapy. And then it’s girls nights and then trips… and then suddenly it’s a significant amount of time away from kids and $ that should be set aside for their future. I crave all of this stuff so much I don’t want to start down the path and give myself a “taste”.

Can anyone relate? I feel like the amount of self care I would ideally need is just out of the realm of possibility logistically and financially so why bother.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I first heard this term on dcum and it definitely applies to me. I’m a sahm with no help (but a great dh) and I always put my kids’ needs ahead of mine, without exception. It usually doesn’t occur to me to consider another option. I take great joy in them, love most parts of parenting and am not depressed, but am burned out and ground down. Feels like I’ve been running on empty for years. I can’t bring myself to do CIO, rarely turn to screens and funnel what money we have into enrichment. I see real benefits from all of this for my family but my personal physical and emotional health keeps getting worse. I do take baths and have coffee with friends now and then but no extras or anything that requires a babysitter.

Lately I’ve tried to really look at what is behind this. It’s not performative– –I’m not on social media and no one asks or cares about my specific parenting choices. I’m not trying to meet some societal or cultural standard. What I’ve come up with is that I’m scared of a slippery slope. That if I start, say, prioritizing exercise, then soon it’s massage and acupuncture appointments, and then PT and therapy. And then it’s girls nights and then trips… and then suddenly it’s a significant amount of time away from kids and $ that should be set aside for their future. I crave all of this stuff so much I don’t want to start down the path and give myself a “taste”.

Can anyone relate? I feel like the amount of self care I would ideally need is just out of the realm of possibility logistically and financially so why bother.

How old are your kids, OP? I feel like some people would have thought of me that way when my kids were really small - I didn't do CIO, breastfed for more than a year, didn't use babysitters until the youngest was 1yr because the kids weren't reliable sleepers. However, now that the youngest is 2 and they are both good sleepers we have started using babysitters for occasional nights out, and we are doing a weekend away in about a month.

Honestly, I feel like when the kids are little it feels natural to be a bit of a martyr. The effort of being away from them (pumping milk, the meltdowns when you leave, communicating all the routines) sometimes seems not worth it. And "self-care" (which I sometimes feel is more of a marketing tool to sell us things) feels like just another chore.

However, it also feels natural to me to pull away a bit as they get older. Now it's relatively easy to leave them with my DH, and the effort required for a babysitter is less. I'm really enjoying being able to prioritize myself and my marriage a bit more, with exercise and date nights and meeting friends and such. I don't feel the need to do girls trips or spa days but maybe that will come in time. I trust my instincts and try to worry too much about how it looks to others.

Anonymous wrote:I first heard this term on dcum and it definitely applies to me. I’m a sahm with no help (but a great dh) and I always put my kids’ needs ahead of mine, without exception. It usually doesn’t occur to me to consider another option. I take great joy in them, love most parts of parenting and am not depressed, but am burned out and ground down. Feels like I’ve been running on empty for years. I can’t bring myself to do CIO, rarely turn to screens and funnel what money we have into enrichment. I see real benefits from all of this for my family but my personal physical and emotional health keeps getting worse. I do take baths and have coffee with friends now and then but no extras or anything that requires a babysitter.

Lately I’ve tried to really look at what is behind this. It’s not performative– –I’m not on social media and no one asks or cares about my specific parenting choices. I’m not trying to meet some societal or cultural standard. What I’ve come up with is that I’m scared of a slippery slope. That if I start, say, prioritizing exercise, then soon it’s massage and acupuncture appointments, and then PT and therapy. And then it’s girls nights and then trips… and then suddenly it’s a significant amount of time away from kids and $ that should be set aside for their future. I crave all of this stuff so much I don’t want to start down the path and give myself a “taste”.

Can anyone relate? I feel like the amount of self care I would ideally need is just out of the realm of possibility logistically and financially so why bother.

Anonymous wrote:Whenever I wonder if I'm doing the right thing balancing taking care of myself and taking care of my kids, I think about when my kids are grown and have kids. Would I want them to follow my example in how they take care of themselves and their kids (my hypothetical future grandkids)?

I wouldn't want my future grown kids to feel like they can't go to the gym or to a PT or therapy appointment without neglecting their kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you ready to hear from a therapist that you ARE getting something out of this? Because I suspect one would tell you that you are getting:

a) Validation that you are "the center of the universe" and "the only one who can do" and "the only one who can make the world turn" for your family

b) Trying to heal your own childhood trauma or pain by Being The Mom You Never Had

c) Justifying your lack of a job by making it So Important That You Be the One to Do Anything...like, you feel inadequate that you're not making your own money or using your degree or whatever. You're essentially making motherhood and homemaking caregiving be the hardest it can possibly be so that you are justified in your SAHM choice because "the universe would fall apart if I didn't Mommy Martyr." Maybe because you never really cut it in the workforce?

You're doing this to yourself because you are getting some form of justification or validation or benefit from it. Explore that.

You had me until #3. I sincerely hope you are not an actual therapist because if you said that to a person in therapy, I'd consider it malpractice. Hello, judgment and disdain!

OP, there is truth in the first two comments here though -- I do think you are deriving a sense of validation and, perhaps more importantly, purpose in sacrificing your well-being for your kids. I get it -- when you have kids it can make you realize that a lot of the stuff you used to care about just wasn't as deeply meaningful as this, and the drive to serve that purpose can be very strong. But take to heart some of the other comments about how some of the best things you can do for your kids is to MODEL what it means to take care of your own needs. Ask yourself what you are teaching them about being a parent, a partner, an adult. Don't sentence them to the same martyrdom. Let them have more.

Regarding the comments under #3 above -- ignore. A SAHM does not need to "justify" not having a job -- you are doing something productive and meaningful (I say this as a working mom -- caring for kids is meaningful work and I'm grateful to the teachers and workers who care for my kids when I'm working) and that in and of itself is enough. More than enough. This also has nothing to do with "cutting it" in the workforce. My guess is that you've probably always had a tendency to overcommit yourself to benefit others, and were likely a martyr to your job before you became a SAHM (this tends to be a repeating behavior). I just want to reiterate that this comment from PP is very clearly about her own issues she needs to work through (very deep resentment of SAHMs or perhaps motherhood in general, as well as a belief that the work one does for money is paramount to justifying your life).

The other stuff has some merit though.

My take on the 'therapist' PP's #3 comment was that it's important to dig into the the feelings behind any justification of lack of a job or stuffing down a sense of inadequacy, exploring emotions behind leaving the workforce and what you may be holding on to from that. I did not take it as a blanket statement or judgement on stay-at-home motherhood at all!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you ready to hear from a therapist that you ARE getting something out of this? Because I suspect one would tell you that you are getting:

a) Validation that you are "the center of the universe" and "the only one who can do" and "the only one who can make the world turn" for your family

b) Trying to heal your own childhood trauma or pain by Being The Mom You Never Had

c) Justifying your lack of a job by making it So Important That You Be the One to Do Anything...like, you feel inadequate that you're not making your own money or using your degree or whatever. You're essentially making motherhood and homemaking caregiving be the hardest it can possibly be so that you are justified in your SAHM choice because "the universe would fall apart if I didn't Mommy Martyr." Maybe because you never really cut it in the workforce?

You're doing this to yourself because you are getting some form of justification or validation or benefit from it. Explore that.

You had me until #3. I sincerely hope you are not an actual therapist because if you said that to a person in therapy, I'd consider it malpractice. Hello, judgment and disdain!

OP, there is truth in the first two comments here though -- I do think you are deriving a sense of validation and, perhaps more importantly, purpose in sacrificing your well-being for your kids. I get it -- when you have kids it can make you realize that a lot of the stuff you used to care about just wasn't as deeply meaningful as this, and the drive to serve that purpose can be very strong. But take to heart some of the other comments about how some of the best things you can do for your kids is to MODEL what it means to take care of your own needs. Ask yourself what you are teaching them about being a parent, a partner, an adult. Don't sentence them to the same martyrdom. Let them have more.

Regarding the comments under #3 above -- ignore. A SAHM does not need to "justify" not having a job -- you are doing something productive and meaningful (I say this as a working mom -- caring for kids is meaningful work and I'm grateful to the teachers and workers who care for my kids when I'm working) and that in and of itself is enough. More than enough. This also has nothing to do with "cutting it" in the workforce. My guess is that you've probably always had a tendency to overcommit yourself to benefit others, and were likely a martyr to your job before you became a SAHM (this tends to be a repeating behavior). I just want to reiterate that this comment from PP is very clearly about her own issues she needs to work through (very deep resentment of SAHMs or perhaps motherhood in general, as well as a belief that the work one does for money is paramount to justifying your life).

The other stuff has some merit though.

Anonymous wrote:I always wished my mom had friends (still do!), wished my mom took more care of herself, wished she put her marriage above children. I do love my mom, but she was lax on discipline and it shows with my sibling.

I've tried hard to not be a martyr and would disagree with a lot of your items that you think are "better". I think CIO has enabled my kids to be wonderful sleepers, which is a life long benefit. DH and I have had more time to reconnect at night because of it. You don't need exercise as much as you just need to eat less. You can't outrun the fork. Eating less won't take anything away from your kids or take up any more time. My kids and I hike and walk to playgrounds a lot. I also think that marriage should be prioritized first, not girls trips, but couples trips, date nights and caring for each other. The more love and caring I pour into our relationship, the better a father DH is too.