Anonymous wrote:I really think you need to let your adult son make his own life choices. I think you should try to relax, maybe get some therapy for a place to vent and get perspective. If he takes one year off, staying rent free should be okay, but maybe set some limits like you will pay for his schooling if he returns in a year, but if he stays out longer he needs to pay rent or move out and needs to contribute a certain portion of his $$ to his future schooling.

I also think it is fine if your younger son wants to work in a restaurant for awhile.

The tone of your post sounded very controlling. If your DH thinks you are out of line, and you think you are the only sane one, you have a marriage problem too.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are right, 100%, but are going about it the wrong way.

First, apologize to your son. Tell him you are sorry about how you reacted, but you were surprised, and scared by his decision. Now that you've had some time to think, you'd like to talk about it.

Tell him you are proud of him considering all his choices, and you recognize he is at an age where he makes these choices for himself. But you need to make sure he understands what those choices are.

One choice is to return to school, and you and your DH will continue to pay for school and his expenses, because you know it's not realistic for him to study and work a full time job at the same time. He can return to the restaurant over breaks.

Another choice is to not return to school and work at the restaurant for a year. However, if he does that you will expect him to pay for his expenses, which include a portion of rent, utilities, car, insurance, phone, whatever. You are not doing this to punish him, but, rather, you want him to understand that adult choices require adult responsibilities. You can sit down with him and talk through each expense. If your DH is not on board with this, suggest that you all collect the money but secretly plan to return it to DS later in his life.

The key is to be calm and nonpunitive. Don't tell him is travel idea is bull. Don't tell him you think he just wants to goof around and blow his $300/night while you pay for his expenses. Just offer him these choices and be open to what he says. If he says he still wants to take a year off, at least you will know he'll have a more realistic picture of what life will be like without a degree. Also, if there is something else going on here (e.g., mental health issues) at least the lines of communication will still be open.

There is no way you can make him go back to school, especially if your DH is not on board with it. And it is not helpful for you to be mad at him for wanting something different than what you want. But it is reasonable, and desirable, to set some boundaries around your financial support of him.

Anonymous wrote:DS (19) completed his first year of college and things seemed to go fine. He made friends, did well in his classes, and the transition seemed to go smoothly.

He came home in May and got a job as a server at a restaurant that had been open for a few months. He'd never worked in that setting before. His only other jobs were scooping ice cream and lifeguarding. He didn't want to lifeguard this summer because his last 2 summers he was assigned to pools that were pretty much not used so he just sat bored for 8-10 hours each day.

He really enjoys the restaurant where he works and from what we've heard from the owner the times we've been in there to eat, he's fairly good at his job. She said he's very personable and knows how to connect with all types of customers which is key in a good server. That was interesting to hear because he's always seemed a bit reserved around new people but hey, maybe is the personal growth and independence from college, right? We were just happy he had a job and wasn't coming home grumpy each evening from boredom.

Since maybe mid-June, his hours have been increasing. He's worked doubles for weeks and then decided in early July to not go on the family vacation. He said that he'd rather stay and make money and he also didn't want to leave the restaurant short staffed. I told him that staffing issues was a management problem not an employee problem and that I thought he should go on vacation to have some downtime before school started back. We argued a bit but nothing major and in the end, DH said he's an adult so if his adult decision was to stay, we needed to respect that. Ok, I did.

But now the other night he sat us down and told us he doesn't want to return to school in a few weeks. He said he emailed his program advisor to find out his options and he can take 1-year off and keep his spot at the university. I feel so blindsided and disappointed that he's done all this without consulting us (we pay for his schooling) but DH was PROUD of DS for exploring his options and collecting the necessary information on his own. DS said he wants to keep working at the restaurant and possibly do some traveling. He and I fought, of course, because I think he's just seeing this instant cash each night and being blinded by it. Why go to college for 3 more years when he's making around $300/night! And his claim to want to travel? Pfft just smoke to me because he didn't want to travel (for free!) with us a few weeks ago because work was too busy and important. I think he'll keep working at this job for the fast cash and never go back to school or travel or do anything else he's dreamed of. I hate that he took this job and I can't even stand to hear him talk about his days there now.

What's worse, is that now our younger son has seen the money his big brother has made and wants to get a job there when he turns 16. Again, DH just sees that as being a responsible teen. Now way I'm letting that happen!

Oldest DS and I have not talked much. I voiced my displeasure with his sudden choice and he's been avoiding me much of the time since then. I told DH we should try to sway him to go back by telling him we'll charge him rent to live here and rent on his car plus make him pay for his insurance and cell phone. Let him get a real taste of adulthood and see that $300 a night isn't that much money when you have adult bills to cover. DH said that I was out of line and being petty and that would just cause our DS to do something drastic like move out. Again good! If he wants to skip his schooling in favor of being an adult for a year, he should experience it fully. DH told me I was crazy to think that way because the last thing we need is him outside of our house where he could get a girl pregnant all because I was so upset about him taking a year off. DH really thinks this will be a 1-year break and not permanent like I do. I think I'm the only sane one in my house right now!!

What should we do??

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s asking to take a break not to quit. Who knows where it will lead. I think your husband is so sane here. Hes taking a year off. No one has a crystal ball.

What I’d do if your husband agrees is to develop a savings plan with your son. He sounds like he’s a really responsible young adult. But don’t blow up your relationship over this.

This 100%.

Anonymous wrote:Let him take a break. At some point the charm will wear off and he'll be ready to return to school. And if not that means he has found fulfilling work. Keep the funds available and keep the relationship open. Persisting through school when you are not into it is a waste. Let the 16 yr old work there now too bc then they will see the charm wear off too.

Anonymous wrote:I would let him have a year off given that he can return without penalty. Let him work and travel. I would only charge rent if he didn't return the next year. I would lay this all out for him in advance.

Anonymous wrote:He’s asking to take a break not to quit. Who knows where it will lead. I think your husband is so sane here. Hes taking a year off. No one has a crystal ball.

What I’d do if your husband agrees is to develop a savings plan with your son. He sounds like he’s a really responsible young adult. But don’t blow up your relationship over this.