Reply to Found alcohol- about to bring it up to my DH

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here- if you can't already tell I am also the child of an abusive alcoholic father and am going down the rabbit hole[/quote]

OP, you know what you know.  Don't let anyone gaslight you.  Of course you are terrified.  The situation is scary.  Your DH is lying to you.  Someone on this board wrote a wise comment about not asking questions to people in situations like this which you already know the answer.  How can you take care of yourself right now instead of arguing with your DH?  If you don't want to leave your kids alone with him, then don't.

Yes, a conversation should be had with your DH, but confronting him won't change him.[/quote]

Agree. Don't let people make you feel like this is you OP or that you're being controlling. You know something isn't right here. He is sneaking and hiding. That is a huge flag for concern and you are RIGHT. I say this as someone whose partner has struggled similarly (though with marijuana) and hid it and that was a big flag it had gotten to a bad place. He could see that too. Yes your gut may react more strongly to this given your experience as a kid but it doesn't mean you're wrong. I highly doubt you are. 9 days ago, hidden in the freezer, smells like peppermint. there aren't many explanations that would make sense then he is sneaking alcohol and that is a serious concern.[/quote]

I will share that in my case the thing that was the most helpful in dealing with this was approaching my husband with understanding and trying to figure out together what is going on and come up with a plan together. Getting angry at him just leads to more hiding. I had to tell him it's ok we can figure this out, we have to do it together, I know you feel ashamed, I'm not leaving you etc. Shame is powerful, so powerful. My husband in these situations in the past has been extremely defensive at first. Denied. It made me much angrier. But it is a defense mechanism related to shame. be there with him, tell him you know it's hard to admit something whenyou haven't been sharing the full truth but you are his partner and you want to know all of him and worth through it together.[/quote]

OP, it is not on you the wife to come up with a plan about your husbands drinking. It is not on you to control the drinking. You have two young children and a demanding job that requires travel.  I highly recommend  personal therapy for you and also check out Al Anon.  It is your husband
who ultimately has to decide how he wants to live his life.[/quote]

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